GEB-7 Bass Equalizer: Against Me!
You destroy every PA system you play through. Bass amps routinely catch fire around you. Speakers don’t last a song. All in this mad quest for MORE BASS. You bought this pedal only to crank up the lowest frequencies in your hunt for more lows. And I really need you to start reflecting on why. You play in a cowpunk band just ripping off early Against Me! tunes. There is no need for this much bass. Buy yours today
LMB-3 Bass Limiter/Enhancer: 311
Yo, brah! Saturday is gonna be so rad. I’ll pick you up at 5:30 a.m., we’ll cruise down the PCH to my favorite cove, and shred some sick gnar. After surfing, we’ll get fish & chips for lunch at Neptune’s Net. Then I’ll drop you off so you can get your gear ready for the gig later. I think it’s great that we added so many more 311 songs to the setlist- you’re gonna make P-Nut proud with those sick bass tones. Can’t wait to hear that new LMB-3 pedal. Buy yours today
ODB-3 Bass OverDrive: Wu-Tang Clan
We get it, you love the Wu-Tang Clan. You have enough shirts, tattoos, and mugs proclaiming so. You even bought this ODB-3 bass pedal because it has “ODB” in the name. You don’t even own a bass. I think it’s time RZA and the gang puts a restraining order on you because it’s weird for an accountant to love a ’90s rap group so much that it becomes your whole personality. Seek help. Buy yours today
SYB-5 Bass Synthesizer: Gorillaz
Now that you’ve been diagnosed with a horrifying, probably terminal disease, you have decided to take up the cause and hold a 5k in your own honor. It’s only been a few weeks since your therapist diagnosed you with “extreme narcissism” but you figure you still have enough time to spread awareness and garner pity for the unenviable hand life has dealt to you. And hey, if there just so happens to be enough time after the 5k for your band to get on stage, plug your bass into the SYB-5, and play some Gorillaz hits, it will only help the cause. Buy yours today
ME-50 Guitar Multiple Effects: Tool
You’re actually a good musician, unlike the owners of a lot of other pedals on this list. You don’t have time for bullshit- you just want a handful of sick sounds in one device. But what you have gained with determination and drive, you’ve lost when it comes to heart. Remember just playing for fun? You need to go back to those days; rediscover a childhood sense of joy. Don’t worry about how long you’re going to have to wait for another Tool album. Try to enjoy the present. Buy yours today
ME-50B Bass Multiple Effects: Foo Fighters
Your bandmates hate each other but the band stays together because of you. Your personality is wonderful. Sure, no one can agree on a musical direction, but the prospect of having a beer and 2 hours in a practice space with you will always win out. Everyone likes you, to the point that it’s actually a little annoying. Here comes Ol’ Pleasant and Dependable and Talented, up for another day of winning life. It’s kinda like how every Foo Fighters album has at least a few good songs. Buy yours today
ME-90 Guitar Multiple Effects: Turnstile
The ME-90 came out after I already started writing this article, so you are the type of person to wait at the store for new Jordans. You’ll hang in line for a Supreme drop. You have to be at the soft launch of every new restaurant in town. But deep down you know, no matter how new and shiny the thing you just bought, you won’t fill the void within. That could only be filled with an invite to join Turnstile.
GX-100 Guitar Effects Processor: Death Grips
You kinky, kinky little dirtball. You have outfits in your closet that make Michelle Pfeiffer’s Catwoman suit seem puritanical. You prepare for date night by heading to Home Depot and buying some new lengths of rope and chains. Sex isn’t an activity for you, it’s an event. You’re so depraved, you don’t even turn your GX-100 around to face the wall when it all goes down- it gets to watch. What’s worse is that you insist on blasting Death Grips throughout the whole process. Buy yours today
GT-1000 Guitar Effects Processor: Cannibal Corpse
You are O.J. Simpson. Now that you’re out of jail for trying to steal back your sports career memorabilia, you have decided to take up the guitar. You’re pretty good friends with Slash who recommended you the GT-1000 just to get a taste of what tones you may enjoy. He was a little surprised at how insistent you are on learning Cannibal Corpse riffs. Buy yours today
GT-1000CORE Guitar Effects Processor: Tracy Chapman
You have no intention of ever playing in a band. Your guitar hobby exists solely for TikTok. There is no artistry; you spend your days making videos like “What if blink-182 Wrote ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’?” and get so many likes that the dopamine receptors in your brain are fried. The GT-1000CORE exists to provide you with all the tones your shitpost memes need. But I can see the future, and someday a Tracy Chapman song is going to pierce your heart in the grocery store and you will turn towards a life of deep, soulful music. Buy yours today
Pocket GT Pocket Effects Processor: No Use for a Name
You lie to your therapist about enjoying your job. You lie to your therapist about loving your spouse and kids. You lie to yourself that you didn’t mind quitting the band to settle down. But ever since you bought the Pocket GT, it’s getting harder and harder to lie to yourself. Relearning one No Use for a Name song has reignited your spark for punk, and it’s only a matter of time before you need to escape this charade of a life. Buy yours today
GT-1 Guitar Effects Processor: Good Riddance
“Guys, we have to finish practice by 6 p.m. because that’s when Mom says dinner is going to be ready!” I have some bad news for you- it’s time to cut the umbilical cord. You’re a grown-ass adult and while you still live at home because the job market is shit and you’re hopelessly in debt, you need to start rebelling. If not now, when? You went with the economical choice by buying the GT-1 but you need to start learning lessons from all the Good Riddance songs you listen to. Buy yours today
GT-001 Guitar Effects Processor: Symphony X
Look, this isn’t really a pedal by any stretch of the imagination, but I know if we left devices like this off the list all the comments would say “BUT BUT BUT YOU FORGOT THE UB-003A” or some shit like that. And that says a lot about you, the owner of a GT-001. You love correcting people online, commenting that they aren’t hot or smart, and snidely trolling people with a huge dollop of cynicism. Well, the joke’s on you because my mom told me I’m very hot so your insult means nothing. Go back to listening to Symphony X you joyless fucker. Buy yours today
GT-100 Guitar Effects Processor: Ween
You’re still baffled at how you hired the worst divorce attorney in the tri-state area. The divorce was finalized and your spouse now has your three guitar amps. It was clearly a vindictive act of revenge- they don’t even play music. But they cite the constant loud chugging in the house as one of the primary reasons for separating. Little do they know that you can still do everything you need to with your GT-100. Now you have your own “fortress of solitude” apartment and you can blast Ween and play along to your heart’s content. Things are starting to look up. Buy yours today
GT-1B Bass Effects Processor: Bad Religion
You brought your bass to college, but other than one jam during freshman move-in weekend, you haven’t touched it. Your GT-1B sits in the gig bag silently. In high school, you had daydreams about being in a political punk band like Bad Religion and finding like-minded radicals to surround yourself with. But over time, your sensible parents wore you down. You’re majoring in business. You can feel the midlife crisis in your future, and it’s going to be a doozy. But that’s a problem for 44-year-old you, not 22-year-old you. Buy yours today
GP-10 Guitar Processor: Sublime
This Full Sail Music Academy degree ain’t gonna pay for itself- you need to accept every fucking gig that comes your way. You had a buddy write a computer program that automatically replies to every Los Angeles Craigslist “Looking for Bandmates” post. You busk on the Venice boardwalk. And you’re behind on rent by about 4 months. The GP-10 allows you to fit into all these gigs, but you’re starting to wonder if a music degree was even worth it when all you really wanted to do was strum along to Sublime and chill with your friends. Buy yours today
VE-1 Vocal Echo: DIIV
Inside you are two wolves. One daydreams incessantly about being interviewed on Pitchfork’s “Over/Under.” The other is so self-conscious, it prevents you from even singing in the shower. Thank heavens you found this VE-1 so you can just rely on reverb to make your voice sound almost palatable. Just because you lack skill and confidence doesn’t mean you can’t go for it anyways. Before long, maybe you’ll open for your favorite indie band DIIV. Buy yours today
VE-2 Vocal Harmonist: The Polyphonic Spree
“Hell is other people.” Ever since you read this Sartre quote, you knew at least one person out there understood you. Unfortunately, no one else does so it’s a hermit’s life for you. But just because you hate everyone else on planet Earth doesn’t mean The Polyphonic Spree doesn’t tug at your heartstrings. So you plug in the VE-2 in your little hut in the desert, and sing as if other people are singing with you. But thankfully, you don’t have to interact with them in any way. That may require vulnerability, which is for cowards. Buy yours today
VE-20 Vocal Performer: Imogen Heap
Simon Cowell will pay. Ever since he humiliated you during your American Idol audition, you’ve developed an unhealthy obsession with getting revenge on Britain’s snarkiest judge. I really think you need to let it go. Your apartment is covered in magazine photos with his eyes gouged out. It’s pretty fucking creepy. And to be honest, you never really had a chance. That doesn’t mean you can’t still make great music, but maybe it should be more Imogen Heap than Adele. You just don’t have those sort of powerful pipes. Buy yours today
FS-5L Foot Switch: War on Drugs
The feds are after you. They know you’ve committed numerous acts of treason against the US in cooperation with our adversaries, but they just don’t know where you are. You’re smarter than the average Benedict Arnold though- you’ve been hiding in a country with no extradition agreement with Uncle Sam. So enjoy your new life while you practice War on Drugs songs with your new host family and use the FS-5L to switch the tremolo of the old Fender Princeton on and off. Buy yours today
FS-5U Foot Switch: pageninetynine
You are so unhinged, you can’t be tied down with things like laws or latches on your footswitches. You are a feral beast. People fear you, yet they are drawn to your primal essence. It’s the unpredictability that excites them. It only makes sense that you would try to start a powerviolence band in the year 2023, and dare I say the project may be even more caustic than pageninetynine. Buy yours today
FS-6 Dual Footswitch: Peaches
Holy fuck, you have both latch and momentary switches in one unit? Please, let me go down on you. I beg. I am your sex doll. Is there a sexier combination of words in the english language than “latch” and “momentary?” Nope. I just made a list of every word combined with every other word. “Latch + momentary” is the most erotic. If Peaches knew about you, you’d be in the backing band playing along to “Fuck the Pain Away.” Buy yours today
FS-7 Dual Footswitch: Weather Report
I’m going to be totally honest. Despite spending nearly every free minute watching gear demos on YouTube, I have no idea what this pedal does. Does it rock back and forth? I don’t know. But you do. And you love talking peoples’ ears off about amp switching, A/B/Y configs, wet/dry/wet rigs, and all that good stuff that kills libido within a half mile radius. Your music taste is equally as unsexy. Please, stop trying to put on Weather Report albums to set the mood. Buy yours today
FV-500H Volume Pedal: Explosions in the Sky
You are a musician of taste and restraint. Flashy solos aren’t your thing; you’re a soundscapes type of player. All your friends roll their eyes at your frequent mentions of the word. If your cheapskate parents would have paid for piano lessons like you wanted, you’d be knee-deep in modular synthesizer debt right now. But you only know how to play basic cowboy chords on a guitar, so you need a volume pedal for those swells a la Explosions in the Sky. Buy yours today
EV-5 Expression Pedal: At the Drive-In
In a past life, you were a church organist. You sat in the back during mass, listened to the gossip in the choir, and snitched to the priest. People were hung because of you, and that power felt good. Today, you wish you could have been in At the Drive-In so you could do wacky effects controlled by the EV-5 and point out people moshing too hard to Cedric, who would have them removed by security. Buy yours today