RV-6 Reverb: My Bloody Valentine
You’re an indoor cat. The sun may be shining and the wind may be blowing, but there are bugs outside and you have a/c in here. Why leave? Ever? But just because you never explore or venture beyond the walls of your apartment or the walls of your comfort zone doesn’t mean your guitar tone has to reflect that. Slap an RV-6 reverb pedal on your board, crank the reverb time, and daydream about Kevin Shields from My Bloody Valentine knocking on your door asking to crash for the night. Buy yours today
RV-500 Reverb: The Antlers
Hey, it’s time to move on. Your ex dumped you 9 months ago and they seem perfectly happy with their new partner. I know you hope they’ll wake up one day and realize that their life is hollow and empty without you, but they won’t. Their life is objectively better without you. They’re back on course towards the life they want to leave. You were dead weight. So while you’re meticulously crafting presets on the RV-500 for the shoegaze band you only started in your mind, maybe start thinking about seeing a therapist. No, relistening to The Antlers’ “Hospice” does NOT qualify as therapy. Buy yours today
BF-3 Flanger: GWAR
Every bathroom fears you. You take such massive shits that you have multiple plumbers on speed dial. Friends and family beg you to stop frequenting Taco Bell. You were almost invited to join GWAR but then they heard how much you like flanger. It’s a shame; they were actually into the constant shitting. Buy yours today
CE-2W Chorus Waza Craft: Talking Heads
“Does this look cancerous to you?” you ask as you lean in, spreading the skin around the mole on your forearm. I promise you it looks the same as it did last week. I’m begging you to chill out a bit and stop worrying. Everything is going to be fine. I don’t think it helps that you always have your CE-2W cranked up with a super high rate and depth which gives your guitar tone an anxious, jittery quality. That sort of vibe worked well for the Talking Heads but it’s just leading to your own self-destruction. Buy yours today
CE-5 Chorus Ensemble: Arcade Fire
You giggle with delight every time you read the phrase “heckin’ doggo” online. You have no less than 4 mugs with “The Office” quotes on them. Trader Joe’s merch occupies a few positions in your wardrobe. You are supremely basic and that would be fine if you just accepted it. You’re the Arcade Fire of aspiring musicians. You know what a good chorus tone sounds like, but you’re not quite evolved enough to realize that the CE-5 ain’t it. Buy yours today
CH-1 Super Chorus: Blue Öyster Cult
Next person to talk shit on Marvel movies is getting a fucking fist to the face. You weep at every single one, no matter how vapid or void of meaningful storytelling. If the stakes aren’t the utter destruction of the entire human race, then it isn’t worth your time. You have every Marvel Funko Pop, and those don’t come cheap. You bought a guitar and the CH-1 Super Chorus to learn songs from the Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack. Someone needs to keep the legacy of Blue Öyster Cult alive. Buy yours today
DC-2W Dimension C Waza Craft: Kajagoogoo
You’ve started more New Wave bands than actually existed in the ’80s. Jokes about A Flock of Seagulls haircuts make you genuinely angry. Reagan wasn’t that bad, was he? The ’80s were great and no band embodied the era better than Kajagoogoo. Unfortunately you’re stuck in 2023 where AI is going to replace any job you could qualify for and no one wants to play lawn darts with you because they’re “too dangerous.” Buy yours today
MD-200 Modulation: Bloodhound Gang
You regularly tell jokes that make others uncomfortable. Hey, comedy is free speech and if one person laughs at a joke, it’s worth it. Even if that one person is only ever you. Your childhood friends are clearly trying to distance themselves from you and refuse to let you meet their new partners. Whatever, screw ‘em. At least you still have your bandmates who are clearly joking when they say they’ll kick you out if you keep making the MD-200 make those obnoxious, atonal modulation sounds. Turning every knob up to 100% is the funniest possible option, so you’re going to keep doing it. Why do they care? People didn’t sit there and analyze the Bloodhound Gang’s tone; they just laughed at the jokes about boobies and wieners. Buy yours today
MD-500 Modulation: The Police
You’ll always find a way to ruin a good thing. Board game night? You get too competitive. Potluck? Your chili is full of Carolina Reapers. Guitar tones? You’ll put so many different and intense modulations on that your audience actually gets nauseous and starts vomiting all over the venue. Before you know it, a neighborhood open mic night looks more like a jello wrestling contest, except with vomit everywhere. All because you wanted to sound like Andy Summers from The Police but you took it way, way too far. Buy yours today
MO-2 Multi Overtone: Primus
You’re a weird one. Mom said you could get one Boss pedal of your choice for your birthday, and you went with the MO-2 Multi Overtone. Did you even know what this pedal sounds like? I sure as fuck don’t. But you don’t care. Your decision-making doesn’t fall in line with the normals out there. You lick paper. You wrap your ass with Saran Wrap instead of wearing underwear. You listen exclusively to Primus. But I want you to know that I’m on to you. This is all an act. You’re more normal than you can admit to yourself. Buy yours today
OC-5 Octave: Earth
Your parents once lost you for 45 minutes while on a cave tour during summer vacation. It was terrifying, but it activated something in you. Every day, you yearn to return to the caves. The echoes of the rock walls comfort you. The stray drips of water soothe your soul. But you know that if you ever actually venture back into a cave, you may never leave. It would be your return to the Earth’s womb. That might just explain your obsession with the psychedelic drone legends Earth. Buy yours today
PH-3 Phase Shifter: David Gilmour
You can’t stand when guitarists overplay with legato runs, sweep picking, and obvious talent. You’re more of a David Gilmour fan. He could convey more emotion in one note than these practicin’ yokels can with 40. And if there’s one thing you’re good at, it’s playing just one note per bar. Buy yours today
PS-6 Harmonist: Rage Against the Machine
Bill O’Reily’s famous “FUCK IT! WE’LL DO IT LIVE!” speech perfectly describes your approach to life. There’s no planning, no caution, just vibes. You’ll figure it out when you get there. And when you don’t, it’ll be a great story to tell down the line. People like being with you except when things get scary which is frequently. Your Rage Against the Machine tattoos belies a recklessness that has no limit. Buy yours today
TR-2 Tremolo: Johnny Cash
You play guitar to pass the time until you can buy a ranch. It will be so big, you won’t even know where your neighbors’ houses are. Peaceful solitude, for the rest of your years. You’ll work the land and watch Clint Eastwood western movies. Maybe you’ll keep the guitar around and the ghost of Johnny Cash will strum a few chords alongside you. Buy yours today
VB-2W Vibrato Waza Craft: Mac Demarco
Just because your parents paid for your art school tuition doesn’t mean you can’t make an artistic statement. And let’s be honest, you’ve lied to everyone you’ve ever met that you worked minimum wage jobs to pay for it all. They won’t care once your dealer finally makes good on his word and introduces you to Mac Demarco’s roadie. It’s only a matter of time until you’re in the band. Buy yours today
AW-3 Dynamic Wah: Parliament/Funkadelic
You give great oral. No, “great” doesn’t do it justice. Everyone you’ve ever sucked off considers you the best oral they’ve ever received. They talk about your nights together and stare off wistfully into the distance for a few moments before coming back to Earth. They write about your hookups in diaries. If they didn’t have a diary before, they go out and get one. You are a true master of your craft. And there’s no good reason you weren’t jamming this pedal in Parliament/Funkadelic. Buy yours today
CP-1X Compressor: Charlie Daniels Band
Gen Z snowflakes are ruining the country. With their vegan burritos, electric cars, and acceptance of people of all races and sexual identities, they are defecating on the flag at every opportunity. But there’s one thing they can’t take away from you- chicken pickin’ licks on your ’70s Telecaster through a spanky compressor pedal. Let’s see how you like this Charlie Daniels cover, you hippie babies. Buy yours today
CS-3 Compression Sustainer: Wilco
You spend way too much time on Reddit. You flame people for not knowing what microphones George Martin used to record the Beatles. Even The Gear Page users roll their eyes when your name pops up in a forum post. But who gives a shit, you’re right and you’d make a sufficiently adequate substitute in Wilco if they needed one. Buy yours today
EQ-200 Graphic Equalizer: Propagandhi
You have a hard time admitting you were wrong. Case in point: that used Gibson SG you bought. Your favorite bands play SGs. You thought an SG would be your dream guitar, but you’re now out $700 with a guitar that sounds like Kermit the Frog. Well, you don’t want to look like an idiot to all your friends after you made a dozen Instagram posts proclaiming it the greatest guitar ever built. So you shelled out even more money for an EQ pedal to scoop some of these mids and reduce the honkiness that rivals a Republican family’s Thanksgiving dinner conversation. But seriously, you need to start researching how Propagandhi got their Gibson SGs to sound so good. Buy yours today
GE-7 Graphic Equalizer: Blink-182
Uncle Ted means well, but he really biffed it with this one. He was so excited that you started playing guitar that he ran down to the Guitar Center downtown and bought the cheapest used pedal he could find. And that’s why your first effect pedal is a goddamn EQ. He’s not the healthiest guy around, so worst-case scenario: you’ll have to keep this on your pedalboard for about a decade until he dies, then you can sell it on Craigslist. In the meantime, try not to accidentally kick it on while you’re playing along to Blink-182 in your bedroom. Buy yours today
PW-3 Wah Pedal: Mastodon
Please take a shower. You smell like death. When you walk by, people think a rotting corpse just fell out of a body bag. You think you’re sticking it to society by not conforming to their norms, but you’re just making everyone hate you. This is why you eschewed the top 20 more popular wah pedals to go with this Boss one. Sure, Mastodon looks like they smell like shit-covered hot feet but they actually don’t. You do. Buy yours today
SL-2 Slicer: Dillinger Escape Plan
You’re so close to dying, but you have no idea. This fast-living, hard-driving lifestyle is going to catch up to you by year’s end. But fuck it, you had a blast while you were here. And you’ll go out with a bang, all while blasting “43% Burnt” by Dillinger Escape Plan. Buy yours today
SY-1 Synthesizer: Architects
You hate yourself. You wish you could disappear and reappear somewhere else tomorrow with a new name, family, and brain. But no matter how hard you yearn, you’re still just here. No matter how many mornings you wake up, you still aren’t in Architects. Buy yours today
SY-300 Guitar Synthesizer: Pharmakon
When coworkers ask you about your hobbies, you don’t even mention that you play guitar. Because they don’t deserve to know. They don’t deserve to hear the Pharmakon-like intensity of the notes you can conjure, with your boutique delay pedals and your analog flangers and your SY-300 synth. You have no desire to share your gift with the world, but it makes you wonder sometimes if art kept hidden from an audience ceases to be art at all. Buy yours today