SY-1000 Guitar Synthesizer: New Order
DayGlo clothing. Jheri curl spray. Cutoff tank tops. Ronald Reagan. The good Indiana Jones movies. The ’80s fucking ruled and by golly do you miss them. Ok, sure, you can’t technically “miss” something you never experienced yourself, but that won’t stop you from trying. You say words like “tubular” and “radical” and make your friends dance to New Order, which they don’t mind that much. Enjoy it now before you move on to obsessing over the 2000s next year. Buy yours today
RC-1 Loop Station: Aphex Twin
You’re the type of person to go to an amusement park, enjoy your first ride, then spend the rest of the day re-riding that ride. Why branch out and try something new? Experimentation usually leads to disappointment. So why try coming up with an alternate version of a riff? Just play that shit once, loop it in your RC-1, and let it play for the next 9 minutes. In your mind, you are the guitarist equivalent of Aphex Twin. But Aphex Twin is cool and mysterious. You are just boring. That’s ok- the world needs boring people too. Buy yours today
RC-10R Rhythm Loop Station: Animal Collective
You are a goddamn pervert. You’ve watched porn that would put most people in a mental care facility, but it barely moves the needle for you. You can’t get off without a trip to Home Depot for supplies. And you’ll never stop in your quest to create guitar-based sound collages à la Animal Collective. Buy yours today
RC-202 Loop Station: Reggie Watts
Your brain has been rotted by Adult Swim and Salad Fingers flash movies. Hell, you were already well on the path to totally losing your shit by age 16; things haven’t improved. This all made the RC-202 seem more appealing. You can whisper the word “penis” onto one loop and beatbox into the other. That’s basically what Reggie Watts is doing, right? But why do people enjoy listening to him when people actively call security when your ass shows up? Buy yours today
RC-300 Loop Station: Frank Zappa
Your spice rack is organized alphabetically. Your shoes are ordered according to ROYGBIV. You exert a meticulous sense of control over all you do, and God save the chump who tries to stand in your way. Why find people to start a band when you can just be everyone in the fucking band? They will never share your sense of perfection, which you’ll need to perfectly recreate Zappa medleys by yourself. Buy yours today
RC-5 Loop Station: The All-American Rejects
You made it very clear to the rest of the band- no one else gets writing credits. This shit is coming from your genius brain and no one else’s. You wrote these songs with your trusty RC-5 and if anyone deviates from what you just hummed to them, they will be replaced. You don’t fuck with perfection, which is why your band is run like a Medieval dictatorship. This is all so unnecessary though, since you play radio-friendly pop punk with an emphasis on the “pop” heavily inspired by The All-American Rejects. That sound is never coming back and this band is going nowhere. Buy yours today
RC-505 Loop Station: Prince
You didn’t think we were going to go this whole article without drawing one pedal/foot fetish parallel, did you? Because buddy, you want toes in every hole. You want toes in your mouth, in your ears, in… other places. No wonder you got the one-loop station easier to operate with your bare feet than with shoes. If you ask me, this should probably go on a table and be used with hands. But I know that doesn’t get your engine revvin’ like footplay. I’m fine with whatever you want to do behind closed doors, but please keep the moaning to a minimum. And please stop blasting Prince while you do so. Buy yours today
RC-505mkII Loop Station: Mount Eerie
You wish you trusted your gut. You shouldn’t have gotten married at 20 but divorce is a sin and this is your life. Your only outlet of solace is when everyone else in the house falls asleep and you get to sneak down to the basement, plug a mic into the RC-505mkII, and loop your whispers and sparse mini acoustic guitar into something resembling a song. Hell, it actually sounds pretty good. Mount Eerie would get emotional listening to this. Too bad you can never do anything with this or show your creations to anyone. Buy yours today
RC-500 Loop Station: Daniel Johnston
In time, the viral video of you freaking out on the drive-thru worker will die down. Or maybe it won’t- maybe footage of you crying and pouring Dr. Pepper on your head because someone forgot your sweet & sour sauce will live on in public freakout compilations. You have no one to blame but yourself. The therapist recommended you pick up hobbies to stop from dwelling on your embarrassment all the time. So you got a guitar. But no one is going to play with your unhinged ass, so plug into an RC-500 and play along to Daniel Johnston albums until you figure out how to reintegrate into society. Buy yours today
RC-600 Loop Station: Beck
Why is everyone so down on nepotism anyways? If your parents were massively successful, it should stand that your genetic material is superior in a few ways to others. So yeah, they bought you the RC-600 when you were just starting out playing guitar. And you don’t really know how to work it and you only use like 2 features on it, but your songs are decent enough. Your daddy is friends with a few higher-ups at Capitol Records. Whose dad isn’t? Fuck it, you earned this record deal. Anyone who says otherwise just doesn’t have the chops. You fully deserve opening for Beck on his summer tour. Buy yours today
TU-3 Chromatic Tuner: Pedro the Lion
You did your homework. You only missed school when you were sick. You went to church when your parents demanded it. And now you’re in your 30s with anxiety, depression, and a soul-sucking job that doesn’t pay nearly enough. You take comfort in the fact that you wouldn’t make much more money playing in Pedro the Lion but it’s nice to think about. Buy yours today
TU-3S Chromatic Tuner: Autechre
You watched a handful of documentaries on minimalist living and tiny houses and have been the scourge of your friend group ever since. The joy of stomping on a pedal is one of life’s last great pleasures and you decided you’re better without that. I’m not even sure why you need any pedals at all since you can’t stop wondering what it would be like if you were one of the guys in Autechre. Buy yours today
TU-3W Chromatic Tuner Waza Craft: Steven Wilson
You’ve earnestly looked another human being in the eye while declaring you are tasting notes of clove, coriander, and truffle while sipping a 2019 Malbec wine. No one believes you except for you. And that’s all you care about. Modern prog-rock legend Steven Wilson would understand though- if you could only meet him somehow. Buy yours today
LS-2 Line Selector: Kraftwerk
Fuck you. You actually listen to Kraftwerk and think it’s good music. You subject your friends to Kraftwerk. You put Kraftwerk on collaborative playlists. You first heard Kraftwerk while getting your undergraduate electrical engineering degree, but didn’t really get Kraftwerk until you were getting your electrical engineering master’s. Buy yours today
NS-2 Noise Suppressor: Steely Dan
You clean things with old toothbrushes. Every guitar you own looks brand new because hey, you might need to sell it someday. You separate whites from colors in the laundry. And still no one is lining up to have sex with you, because your boringness eclipses your cleanliness. Only the likes of Steely Dan would have ever appreciated your exacting precision. Buy yours today
VO-1 Vocoder: Daft Punk
There is no drug you won’t inhale. Vice posts some new doc about a terrifying new drug? You put it on your ToDo list. Berlin sex club staff knows you on a first-name basis. And you will never accept the fact that Daft Punk broke up. Dull the pain with some ketamine and get back on the dance floor. Buy yours today
MS-3 Multi Effects Switcher: The Cure
You’re sensible, logical, but also spontaneous. People like being around you. You have interesting thoughts and can convey them in an interesting way. That’s why you’ve been trying to start a band similar, but not too close to, The Cure for years now. Your band may go far. Buy yours today
ES-5 Effects Switching System: The Clash
No one tells you what to do. You’re allergic to restrictions. Boundaries are just the walls of a jail cell. So you’re going to get every guitar tone known to fucking man and gouge his eyes out with them. Your Clash tribute act is going to be a sensation, if you can just make the tiniest compromise and agree on a practice schedule with your bandmates. Buy yours today
ES-8 Effects Switching System: Dream Theater
You have to be right about everything. At bar trivia, you won’t even listen to your teammates’ guesses. You just write down your guesses without consulting with anyone else. You don’t pull up Google Maps because you know the area. And you’ll never be able to see how much you are loathed. Typical Dream Theater fan. Buy yours today
AC-3 Acoustic Simulator: Grouper
You believe in magic and you spell it with a “k” at the end. Your spells will start working any day now. You’ll talk with your dead grandma once again, and your exes will regret the day they abandoned you. Until then, you’ll keep moaning with your acoustic guitar tone like a second-rate Grouper. Buy yours today
AD-2 Acoustic Preamp: Bon Iver
It’s okay to cry. You say this to yourself often while crying. You cry a lot, and to be honest, I’m envious. I’d love to be able to feel the cathartic rush of tears every once in a while. But I’m dead inside, so I’m just gonna lean back and make fun of you. Anyways, are there any Bon Iver songs you haven’t learned yet? Buy yours today
AD-10 Acoustic Preamp: Jars of Clay
Your praise & worship band is not here to mess around, bucko. This is the year you win the Psalmfest Battle of the Bands and no one shall stop you. You swear to G-o-d that if the little Anderson kid tries bringing his Big M*ff Pi pedal on page, you’re gonna throw it in the church dumpster faster than he can say “What the heck?” He better nail the harmonies on your Jars of Clay covers, too. Buy yours today
VE-8 Acoustic Singer: Neil Young
You are one with nature. You speak to the trees, and the trees respond with a “Yo, how’s it hangin’ bitch?” Birds give you a knowing head nod. Flowers bend towards you when you walk down a path. And you honored that felled tree in the woods by making an acoustic guitar out of it. You didn’t know how, but you let the tools guide you. Once you slapped a pickup on it and plugged it into the VE-8, the spirit of Neil Young came to listen to your beautiful tunes of spirit and stayed to watch you shower. Oh wait, he’s still alive right? Eh, maybe he was taking a nap and astrally projected. Buy yours today
BC-1X Bass Comp: Rancid
You keep a bib in your pocket because if the restaurant has ribs, you’re going to order them. Buffalo wings? Of course. Crab legs? You won’t need a to-go box. You are sloppy and messy, so no wonder a compressor will assist your bass playing. Anything to help you nail Rancid’s “Maxwell Murder.” Buy yours today
BB-1X Bass Driver: Blondie
Your older brother got everything. He got to take the car on long weekends. He got a smartphone before you. And he got to pick guitar for the instrument. So you got stuck with the fucking bass. It’s a tale as old as time, but you’ll get the last laugh. While you practice Blondie songs to play in a band with him, you have an ace in the hole- you’re cuter and you’re going to hook up with his current fling. Buy yours today
CEB-3 Bass Chorus: Alexisonfire
You’re the perennial third wheel. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. People seem to like you, but when is something good going to happen? The truth is that you need to start putting effort into yourself. No one ever became a success because they sat around and silently wished to themselves. This is reflected in how you use the CEB-3 Bass Chorus; you have barely experimented with the settings, and people can’t even tell when you turn this on and off. Take some risks and start putting yourself out there if you ever want to achieve a shred of the success your heroes in Alexisonfire have experienced. Buy yours today