15. The Rat King
The rat king is no stranger to fringe politics, initially believing that all world leaders should be replaced by rats. Once he was able to get Fox News down in the sewer he expanded his favoritism to include white alpha males.
14. Tempestra
She’s a pro-life hard-liner who believes life begins when lightning strikes a video game.
13. Donatello
Donnie is the brains of the bunch, a tinkerer who is always on YouTube trying to figure out how to convert common home appliances into defensive weaponry. Unfortunately, this causes the algorithm to put a lot of far-right influencers in front of his large white eyeballs. He doesn’t drink the Kool-Aid, but he’s become the sort of “free-thinker” who champions privatization and takes a stand against the vaccine.
12. Burne Thompson
As a news editor he claims to be impartial, but he hates liberals just as much as he hated the turtles and age-appropriate relationships.
11. Pinky McFingers
As a mafioso with routes in the open mic comedy scene, you better believe Pinky has a lot to say about the vaccine and all this “woke shit.”
10. Zach
Zach grew up with parents who were totally fine with him hanging out in a sewer with a bunch of literal mutants. He only took more wrong turns as he grew up and was easily radicalized into The Proud Boys.
9. Groundchuck and Dirtbag
Having previously aligned themselves with Herman The Horrible, the villainous dragon of planet Shell-Ri-La, falling behind Trump was the next logical move.
8. Vernon Fenwick
April’s rival has basically completely remodeled his entire persona after Tucker Carlson. His spineless, rank-and-file bootlicker approach to broadcasting has made him a favored anchor among right-wingers, a reputation strongly bolstered when he claimed Kyle Rittenhouse was just doing “doing the Turtles job for them.” Current net worth, 240 million dollars.
7. Dr. Baxter Stockman
Inspired by the likes of Ben Shapiro and Matt Walsh, Dr. Baxter Stockman escaped techno-limbo and started making the circuit as a Fox News fake smart guy/smart fly. His latest documentary, “Bvvvwhat is a Bzzzzwoman” has been well received by the Christian right.
6. Leatherhead
As a mutagenically enhanced alligator and bayou survivalist weirdo, Leatherhead can’t be said to have really been brainwashed by far-right propaganda. It’s more like he just found his tribe.
5. Bebop and Rocksteady
You don’t become underlings to The Shredder without being in desperate need of a surrogate father figure. They were Tucker Carlson’s security during the Putin interview.
4. Casey Jones
Casey first picked up “12 Rules for Life” because he believed it would fulfill his court-mandated 6 months of participation in a 12-step program for anger. It didn’t and arguably made his anger much worse. Nevertheless, the book inspired a complete overhaul of Casey Jones’s lifestyle. The van in which he lives is meticulously cleaned and organized. He is clearly mindful of his posture at all times. He’s developed a habit of asking people if they know who Marcus Aurelius was and, even if they say “yes,” explaining who Marcus Aurelius was. Currently, he’s on week 8 of semen retention, and he’s standing down, but standing by.
3. Shredder
Shredder’s devotion to pure cartoon villainy made him dismiss all politicians as “good guys” who must be “crushed,” but when Donald Trump started to gain momentum and Fox News pundits started talking about arming teachers and gutting the EPA he knew something really exciting was happening. He became heavily involved in the GOP, and given his criminal record, they decided to build him up as a candidate. He had a campaign run, but he ended every speech with “Together, we will crush the turtles!” He just couldn’t help himself, and it was confusing to elderly voters.
2. Lord Dregg
His defining attribute is “More evil than The Shredder.” We’re going to go out on a limb and say he voted for Trump.
1. Michelangelo
Though the turtles are all presumably the same age, Michelangelo has always come off as the youngest, and the most impressionable. He fully adopted a ’90s California surfer dude persona despite being born and raised in a New York City sewer. It’s no surprise his specialty is nunchucks, the Monster Energy Drink of weapons. If you can convince Mikey something is cool, he’s all in, and that’s exactly what far-right YouTube bros did. Thanks to Jordan Peterson’s scammy pseudo-philosophy. He’s setting his sewer in order, he’s being precise with his words (especially “no anchovies,”) and telling April to smile more. He’s living that #PrimalLife, adding raw meat to his pizza, avoiding cardio in favor of gains, and defending Elon Musk online with everything he’s got.
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