20. Thom Yorke
The kids would be eager to learn from Mr. Yorke and get inspired by his out-of-the-box teaching. While he’d certainly lead them to become much better musicians by the end of the semester, their show choir adaptation of Radiohead’s “Lotus Flower” music video would be lost on the uncultured audience as a senseless interpretive dance and fail to meet the judge’s scoring criteria.
19. Regina Spektor
If you just add a fun cardigan sweater, Regina Spektor couldn’t look more like a high school performing arts educator. She’d wear a tuning fork on a lanyard around her neck and put the kids through 10 minutes of vigorous and bizarre vocal warmups at the start of each rehearsal. Alas, their musically adventurous championship performance would be well-executed but too avant-garde for the square judges’ taste.
18. Beyoncé
While Miss Bey’s rigorous approach to teaching would lead a few students to excel, many would fall to the wayside and never fully realize their potential to slay. The lack of cohesion in their performance would ultimately place them many spots from the winning title, but they would win “best costumes” for their exquisite outfits that took several car wash fundraisers to finance.
17. Garth Brooks
Very few performances are about impeccable musical talent, but rather humble showmanship and appealing to the everyman—at least according to Mr. Brooks, who would encourage his students to confidently approach their routine with this mindset. After a semester of rehearsals thoroughly enjoyed by all, they’d take fourth place with a performance so unpretentious and unaffected it’d leave everyone wondering what even made it good.
16. Pharrell Williams
Mr. Williams wouldn’t believe how much high schools have changed since he shot the N.E.R.D “Rockstar” video, but he’d face the challenge at hand and get the choir singing in-tune, clapping on the beat, and stepping from side to side with an acceptable degree of finesse. Truthfully, they’d be just a notch above mediocre, but would still ride to the state championships on the back of multiple sponsorships.
15. Brian Johnson
As a wildly famous hard rock frontman and the composer of a musical that’s never been staged, Mr. Johnson would be a superb show choir teacher. He’d succeed in the very difficult task of getting high schoolers to let their guards down, helping them to sing and perform with a fearlessness that would defy any judge’s feedback of, “performance lacked choreography, excessively loud.”
14. Alicia Keys
There’s no doubt this choir would sound incredible. Mrs. Cook would even get the kids interested in music theory and teach them to competently read music. Frustratingly, the school district would not allow Alicia to bring in any outside choreographer who does not hold a public school teaching credential, keeping the choir from bringing a truly competitive performance.
13. Gene Simmons
Given Gene Simmons taught sixth grade—the most ruthless of all grades—prior to joining KISS, teaching high schoolers would be a cakewalk for him. He’d have the kids singing well enough, but it’d be their stage presence and medieval-inspired leather costumes that would give them an edge over rival choirs. Even if in the end they got disqualified for using pyrotechnics in the gymnasium, they really deserved at least third place.
12. Gunter (from “Sing”)
Gunter bleeds show choir. His enthusiasm alone would snap the kids out of their self-consciousness and bad attitudes within a week, leaving them with nine more to perfect the sharpest, spiciest competitive routine. The school administration would probably take issue with his unitards and how he’d always run over rehearsal time and make the kids late for fifth period, but Gunter would be too focused on the drama of the stage to be bothered by the drama of haters.
11. Adam Durtiz
Mr. Duritz would be teaching high school out of love and generosity and not at all because the “Shrek” checks stopped coming. The students would enjoy having such a talented and approachable teacher, and he’d inspire at least one to spend their parent’s money on a music degree from Berklee. Their final performance would honestly be great and feature a super catchy song medley, but the judges would mark it more harshly than it deserved.
10. Bruce Springsteen
Not only would The Mr. Boss be an excellent, energetic teacher, but he’d make show choir cool. So cool that the school district would even consider reallocating some of the money in the athletics budget to the arts. Yes, their championship routine would be a medley of his songs and go over the allocated time limit, but the dads in the audience would unanimously agree it was the best school performance they ever attended.
9. Barbara Streisand
It would take the kids a few weeks to warm up to Mrs. Babs, what with her strenuous rehearsals and no-nonsense demeanor. Winning an EGOT only goes so far with a group of sixteen-year-olds who don’t know what an EGOT is. But eventually the choir would take pride in their drastic improvement and bring their all to the championships, praising Mrs. Babs for being “literally iconic.”
8. Amy Lee
Ms. Lee would be hired because of her classical training and extensive choir experience and for fear of what she might do if they didn’t hire her. Her edginess and baggy skirts would render her extremely cool in the eyes of the Gen Z show choir misfits, who would make swift progress on their singing abilities under her guidance. There’s no doubt this group would garner at least a third place trophy.
7. Bruno Mars
While the other faculty would never stop mistaking him for one of the students, the actual students would consider Mr. Bruno to be the coolest teacher they’d ever had. He would laugh (suavely) in the face of the challenge that is awkward high schoolers, effortlessly teaching them to pop and lock their way through a routine that all the competition’s judges would unanimously deem to be smooth as hell.
6. Elton John
Even in his older age, Mr. Elton exudes an aesthetic and demeanor to which today’s teenagers offer great respect, so from day one this choir would be on board for whatever he had to teach. Lucky for them, they’d be getting a semester-long master class in musical excellence, resulting in the highly competitive, highly sparkly routine they’d bring to the championships.
5. Usher
When it comes to putting on a show, no one does it like Mr. Usher. Given he had a recording contract before he was old enough to be in high school, he wouldn’t relate to these choir kids at all, but he would be able to teach them. After ten weeks of intense daily rehearsals, their final performance would charm the pants off the judges and take home a second-place finish.
4. Freddie Mercury
Mr. Mercury could teach show choir in his eternal sleep. The students’ virtuosic, genre-spanning singing alone would give them a competitive edge over the other choirs, and when backed by their flamboyant and confident showmanship, no other group would stand a chance at winning. Truly regrettable this imaginary show choir will never exist.
3. Lady Gaga
Ms. G would be the kind of teacher who holds her students to exceedingly high standards, but also stays after class to offer a compassionate ear to anyone who wants to talk about why not getting asked to prom is interfering with their ability to sing in tune. Those little monsters™ would give their all throughout the semester and their hard work would pay off when they delivered an audacious and nearly flawless performance, securing the championship win by a slim margin of 1.5 points.
2. Steve Perry
With his iconic vocal technique, refined stage presence, and zero controversies indicated on his Wikipedia page, Mr. P would teach a semester of show choir the students would never forget. Not only would they win the state championships with their energetic and vocally pristine performance, but they’d also be flooded all summer long with requests to perform at local wedding receptions.
1. Lin Manuel Miranda
If you thought any other singer would be ranked as the most capable high school show choir teacher, think again. There is literally no world in which Lin Manuel Miranda would not be the best possible person for the job. Sure, he sounds like Lin Manuel Miranda when he sings, but that’s never stopped him from anything. He’d be quick to win the students’ trust and build their confidence, leading them to victory through a challenging but perfectly paced ten-week practice regime. The final routine would be creatively boundary-pushing, flawlessly executed, and inspire the hearts and minds of everyone in the audience. Winning this state title would be Mr. Miranda’s biggest musical triumph since Hamilton, and years later we’d all get to watch a movie about it on Disney+.