DENVER — Local woman Caitlin Baker recently celebrated her fully vaccinated status by dropping her dating standards to an all-time low, concerned friends and family confirmed.
“Dating this past year has been so hard. In addition to watching all my friends in happy relationships quarantine with their stupid partners, I’ve had to completely reevaluate my screening process for potential dates,” said Baker while blindly swiping right on Tinder. “I thought I had low standards before the pandemic, but now it’s truly ‘anything goes.’ Before COVID, I at least tried to date men with jobs. Now I’ll consider any guy even if he’s almost 40 and still wears band shirts, has a Hinge account, and gets all his news from Joe Rogan. No car? No apartment? No problem.”
One of Baker’s dates, Justin Kulp, said he has benefitted from the sudden drops in standards.
“Yeah, dating during the pandemic has been a little weird I guess,” recalled Kulp. “For a while we couldn’t have dates in bars, and I had to wear a mask sometimes. I thought I’d never get laid again. But now the girls I’ve been going out with seem to keep getting hotter, and I haven’t had to do anything. I’ve had multiple dates with gorgeous women and it’s all because a deadly pandemic made them realize how short life can be, and that being alone is actually worse than being with a guy whose gums bleed every time he drinks coffee.”
Willingness to sacrifice standards for the sake of post-pandemic dating is not uncommon, according to public health nurse spokesperson Miranda Newsom.
“The American people are horny and ready to return to their pre-pandemic promiscuity levels,” said Newsom. “We in the healthcare community would like to remind everyone that, although the vaccine is excellent at preventing COVID-19, it does not prevent any sexually transmitted infections or unintentional entanglements. We urge Americans to continue using protection during sexual encounters and to return to their pre-COVID date screening processes. We don’t want anyone to end up in a relationship with someone who was supposed to be a celebratory booty call.”
At press time, Baker was overheard telling her best friend that she’s excited for a date this Friday night with a man who was juggling in his profile picture.