PALM BEACH, Fla. — The recently reelected Donald Trump announced that he was most excited to return to the White House in order to locate the 18-piece bucket of fried chicken that he hid, according to nearby sources.
“We have so much unfinished business!” stated Trump as he forced J.D. Vance to taste test his Pretzel Baconator in case it was poisoned. “We need to close the border and fix this horrible economy that Biden left us, but my first act as leader of the free world will be to figure out where the hell I stashed that delicious bucket of the Colonel’s finest I hid somewhere in the floors before voluntarily leaving office in 2020. I’d ask Melania if she remembers, but she didn’t really spend much time here. Maybe one of her body doubles knows.”
White House security guard Danny Wales explained his interactions with Trump while he was out of office.
“Mr. Trump was caught numerous times over the past four years trying to sneak back in,” stated Wales. “But instead of secret documents that we figured he was trying to smuggle out, he always had some old fast food items that he was trying to scurry away with. We once caught him trying to dig up a box of McRibs that he hid under the North Lawn. And just a few weeks before the election, he showed up pretending to be the cable guy, in hopes of finding some Crazy Bread he put somewhere in the Lincoln Bedroom.”
Presidential historian Dominique McKenna revealed that outgoing presidents often hide important personal items before leaving office.
“It’s a well-known secret that all one-term presidents leave something behind,” said McKenna. “These men hope that one day they’ll return, similar to how tourists toss a coin into Rome’s Trevi Fountain. Franklin Pierce left behind his favorite bottle of Kentucky Bourbon, while rumor has it that George H.W. Bush hid a pair of his whimsical socks that he was known for wearing. Bill Clinton stashed used condoms for some reason. But I’ve never heard of anyone doing anything like that with food. That’s pretty gross.”
At press time, custodians announced that they had located the container of KFC under a floor tile in the bathroom, but confirmed that the bucket was empty except for leftover chicken bones and a few grease-smeared classified documents labeled “National Security.”