NEW YORK — Total loser Jay Draboll plans to spend his entire New Year’s Eve partying with friends in what will be deemed an unforgettable night, confirmed sources from their couch.
“I’m going to get blackout drunk so it’ll be an extra memorable evening,” said Draboll while buying novelty 2025 glasses. “There’s going to be friends, booze, games, barnyard animals, carnival rides, candle-making classes, a Danny DeVito lookalike, basket-weaving tutorials, meth, a Gin Blossoms cover band, Settlers of Catan tournament, illegal gambling, Civil War reenactors, Jake Paul’s security guard, bath salts, LARPing, Russian roulette, model train demonstrations, and a live tiger. Sure, it might sound like a small affair to some, but it’s the little things that make me happy. Plus, I get to binge drink and no one is allowed to judge me for it. What a time to be alive and intoxicated.”
Friends of Draboll wished he wasn’t such a nerd when it came to holidays.
“What kind of dork parties on New Year’s Eve with a close group of 50 friends?” said longtime pal Derek Volcan without breaking eye contact with his television. “Me on the other hand, I cannot wait to take an edible, eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and stream ‘Alf’ with my cat before nodding off at 9:30 p.m. and getting a good night’s sleep. It’s going to be the best evening of the year even though it looks identical to every other night of the last 365 days. Besides, the last time I went to a party I accidentally made three or four new friends. Gross.”
Experts highlighted a “to each their own” strategy when it comes to the last holiday of the year.
“Partying is unique to each individual,” said social psychologist Dwayne Mars. “Some prefer the company of as many people as possible to distract from the existential dread of another year’s passing and the realization that we are closer to death. Others actually embrace the nothingness of life and just want to believe that New Year’s Eve is just another day. Either way, we are all losers on the inside.”
At press time, total dweeb Draboll already had plans to sleep in until 3:00 p.m. and order Thai on New Year’s Day to nurse his inevitable hangover.