LOS ANGELES — Tragedy struck Southern California Wednesday night when a toddler was discovered dead inside a Tesla Cybertruck from an apparent case of massive embarrassment after being seen in such an abomination, sources confirmed.
“I really thought she was old enough to handle it,” said Charles Hazel, the girl’s father. “Her mother and I had the talk with her. We said, if you’re feeling embarrassed, just get out of the Cybertruck and talk about all the cool features it has. We let her know that people will stop pointing and laughing as soon as you show them the state-of-the-art cooling system and the badass automatic glove compartment. I can’t help but think this all could have been avoided if she’d watched the YouTube breakdowns about the creative design features of the truck instead of staring at cartoons all day. I tried explaining that Elon’s ideas can sometimes seem a little out there at first. But if he says the Cybertruck is cool, I think it’s our duty to accept that blindly.”
Officials around Los Angeles are warning parents to be as safe as possible when asking their children to ride in a Cybertruck.
“This latest tragedy has been tough on all of us. When we found her, it was clear she’d been trying to hide her face inside her ‘Bluey’ t-shirt,” said Detective Mike Sanchez at the briefing press conference. “But this is the definition of an open and shut case. She was a perfectly healthy child before entering the Cybertruck and it’s easy to see her parents are complete losers. This kid was never given a fair chance. We always tell parents, they should really think twice about leaving their children in Cybertrucks — especially during summer — when people are out and about, looking for ugly things to laugh at.”
Clarence Withers, an LA county coroner, believes there could be more to the Cybertruck’s lethal embarrassment than authorities are letting on.
“I see two or three of these trucks every day driving around the city. We’re talking weapons grade levels of ugly here. I don’t want to dive too deep into the conspiracy well, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this was some kind of aesthetic warfare deployed by a foreign enemy. All I’m saying is I’ve been doing this job a long time and the scale of pure, unadulterated embarrassment on the faces of these cadavers is unlike anything I’ve ever seen. Ask yourself this: could a design this grotesque have been conjured up by one pathetic man? I just don’t see it.”
While the toddler’s parents say they will not get rid of the vehicle, they have spoken to lawyers about potential negligence inside Tesla’s design department.