Press "Enter" to skip to content

Newly Sober Punk Vows Never To Drink Again After Experiencing First-Ever Bowel Movement With Single, Clean Wipe

SEATTLE, Wash. — Newly sober punk Dustin Patterson swore off alcohol after he experienced his first-ever bowel movement with a single, clean wipe, confirmed sources who didn’t need a graphic explanation.

“It was euphoric,” Patterson reminisced. “For the first time ever, I wiped and there was nothing that looked like black tar on the toilet paper. I thought this only happened to people who drank green smoothies or water instead of whiskey. I looked in the toilet and just thought, ‘Wow, that’s a good-looking log.’ This single event made me want to stop drinking alcohol altogether. Every morning after binge drinking, I would reap smelly, sloppy consequences that looked clinically upsetting. It was like this for so long, that I forgot what a normal BM was like.”

Dustin Patterson’s AA sponsor Richard Telly says that this specific phenomenon has turned people’s lives around.

“The first clean wipe that a person struggling with alcoholism experiences changes them in a way that the church fails to achieve,” Telly explained. “Yes, the spiritual aspect of AA is helpful in more ways than one, but taking your first perfectly crafted dump is what I’ve witnessed to be the single most profound awakening. We tend to overlook the power of the body performing at its peak. This moment has created more sober punks than any religious experience.”

Gastrointestinal doctor Harold Santos describes Patterson’s experience as shocking, given his regularly heavy alcohol consumption.

“Judging by Mr. Patterson’s daily bottle of Jack, it’s no surprise that his bowel movements have been akin to liquid fire for the past ten years,” said Dr. Santos. “While literally any improvement in his diet would have made a huge difference in his digestion, this particular development is truly shocking. I’m quite pleased to say that Mr. Patterson has achieved what we call a ‘ghost poop,’ or a no-wiper. In the Victorian era, it was referred to as ‘a phantom fecal.’ This kind of life-changing positivity is exactly why GI doctors get up every morning and inspect buttholes for a living.”

Despite Patterson becoming the medical community’s poster boy for bowel health, several local museums have declined to accept his “shit sculptures.”