CHICAGO — Local baseball fans and metalheads discovered that they shared an affinity to drink in parking lots, while one group was pregaming for death metal band Sepcis at the historic music venue The Metro and the other at a nearby baseball game at Wrigley Field, sources from both sides confirm.
“These guys rolled up and I thought we were going to have a problem, but then we realized, holy shit, they’re just like us—trying to get as much booze in our system as possible before we go inside and have to pay fourteen bucks for a Coors Light,” said local metalhead Jake Mallory after doing a beer bong brought by a Cubs fan. “They also had a full grill setup and a tent, and we were like, ‘Okay, this is new.’ It makes sense to get some food in your stomach and not get heat stroke before having to stand for three hours. I don’t think I’m going to puke today!”
The sports fans, who were initially wary of the long-haired, black-clad figures chugging whiskey from innocuous apple juice bottles, quickly embraced the opportunity to learn.
“These metal dudes had it down to a science,” said Cubs season ticket holder Mike Taglieri, who had been pre-gaming since 9 a.m. with Bud Light and bratwursts. “I thought I knew how to drink in a parking lot, but man, they took it to another level. They taught us about sneaking flasks past security, how to run back to your car to do shots, and how to hide a bottle behind a dumpster by the exit. Honestly, I’m never paying stadium prices again.”
Experts say this rare moment of camaraderie shows how even groups that often seem opposed can find common ground.
“Historically, sports fans and metalheads have been at odds—one group idolizes the thrill of competition, the other worships musicians who sound like they’re gargling nails,” explained Dr. Karen Holtz, a sociologist at Northwestern University. “But what we see here is a classic example of how shared rituals—like aggressively consuming alcohol in an acre of asphalt—can bridge cultural divides. Sure, the sports fans can’t name the lead singer of Slayer and the metalheads have no clue who plays first base for the Cubs, but at least they have each other’s company.”
At press time, the peace was shattered when one sports fan attempted to bond further by declaring their love for metal bands like Linkin Park.