NEW YORK — Independent Presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reminded voters that he also keeps a monkey with a gun next to his bed for self-defense if they’re interested in that story since they seemed to love the one about dumping a bear carcass in Central Park, confused sources confirmed.
“So there I was in the Amazon rainforest when I saw the most virile monkey I had ever seen, this thing had such a huge penis and he was playing with it like it was a guitar. I knew I had to adopt it as my bodyguard and valet. I traded this shrunken head I had plundered from a tomb for the monkey and trained him in the art of marksmanship and Filipino stick fighting. Ever since that day, RFK Jr. Jr. has watched over me, vigilantly perched on my nightstand,” said Kennedy Jr., handing the monkey a box of bullets. “Night after night, the political establishment sends their deep state assassins to silence me, but RFK Jr. Jr. is always there to protect me. Anyways, that’s why we must expand 2nd amendment rights to all New World primates as well. Hey let me get an apple, you gotta see him shoot it off the top of my head!”
Local school teacher Paula Clarke was reportedly confused why the Presidential hopeful thought that was an appropriate story to tell to her 4th grade class.
“When his campaign manager said he wanted to visit the school and speak to my students I thought he was going to talk about what a President does, not tell them about how his monkey once bit the testicles off a Laotian drug lord over gambling debts,” said Clarke, consoling a crying student. “And I don’t care if it was ‘in self defense’, I’ve been getting calls all day from parents who say their kids are afraid that RFK Jr. Jr. is going to shoot their family and eat their faces while they’re sleeping!”
RFK Jr. supporter Ned Blomkvist says his support for the presidential hopeful is growing with each bizarre anecdote he tells.
“This is why this country needs a bold leader like Robert F. Kennedy Jr., he’s the only candidate out there with the balls to tackle the issues that no one else will, like monkey armament and ghost suffrage,” said Blomkvist, shouting into a megaphone. “And of course both sides of the political aisle are rushing to misrepresent this inspiring story for their own gain. You say he illegally smuggled a monkey out of the Amazon and trained it to shoot a gun, I say he’s well-traveled, is a 2nd amendment advocate, and an equal opportunity job creator. Personally, I think it’s pretty damning that Vice President Harris has yet to appoint a single exotic animal to a campaign position.”
Not to be one-upped, Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump announced he has imported a collection of rare monkeys and will display them as soon as they’re plated in gold.