AUSTIN, Texas — Texas lawmakers continued their draconian war on reproductive freedom by passing a new law that would immediately sentence any woman accused of causing blue balls to death by electrocution.
“Blue balls are the leading cause of discomfort for males aged 12 to 65 and it’s about time women are held accountable for their actions,” said Senator Robert Nichols, District 3 representative and staunch advocate of blue ball eradication. “There are lots of detractors saying ‘this punishment is too severe,’ that we are ‘unfairly targeting women,’ and that ‘blue balls aren’t real.’ However I live in Texas, and in this state I believe that a woman has a responsibility to bring a man to completion if she is the cause of his arousal or else she gets to have a date with ol’ sparky the electric chair.”
“I’ve heard that if blue balls aren’t addressed that semen can enter the bloodstream and kill a man, and that loss of life would be a tragedy,” added Nichols.
Women’s rights advocates across Texas immediately spoke out against the bill.
“These motherfuckers,” said Amani Clark while clenching her fists so hard she broke three bones in her hand. “I don’t know what’s next. Outlawing menstruation because they think ‘it’s gross’ is probably on the table. They won’t be happy until we are treated like cattle just producing babies, and once we can’t do that anymore they will butcher us and serve our meat at state events.”
The Supreme Court upheld the law in a 5-4 decision made earlier today.
“There have been multiple times in my life where I myself was stricken with blue balls and I always wanted justice. Blue balls caused me to have to sit down for 30 seconds, and then when I walked around I felt a little sore. That’s not America — men should be serviced by their wives, or any other woman they see fit,” said Justice Brett Kavanaugh. “My college buddy ‘Slick’ Rick Douglas, man that guy was a poon hound, he told me he had blue balls so bad once that he tried humping a bowl of ice cream to fix it. Man that dude was funny. He made a freshman eat the ice cream after. You can’t make this up.”
At press time, self-proclaimed liberal, Tristen Goff, was awarded a $25 gift card to Best Buy for being the 1,000,000th person to say “if they don’t like the law then they should just move away.”