SEATTLE — Amazon’s “Echo Chamber,” a next-generation smart speaker, will enable reaffirmation of users’ most dreadful opinions from anywhere in the house, company personnel revealed today.
“Our half-baked sentiments just aren’t safe anymore,” said Dave Limp, Amazon’s Senior V.P. of Devices and Services. “So we designed the Echo Chamber to block out reason, logic — all that unpleasant stuff — and provide the customer a warm sensation of blind agreement, no matter how absurd the idea. Love Adam Sandler movies? So does the Echo Chamber! Think Fred Durst is a sublime lyricist? The Echo Chamber has your back.”
Beta-tester Edgar Hernandez spoke highly of the product’s convenience.
“It’s so easy to watch the classics again with the Echo Chamber,” he said. “You wouldn’t believe the lengths I had to go to find somebody who knows that Space Jam is a cinematic masterpiece. Sure, the guys I met on Craigslist could sing the theme song, but I could tell their hearts weren’t in it — not like Alexa here. Tonight, we start the Air Bud series.”
“A paw-some choice indeed, Edgar!” said the speaker.
Meanwhile, the product provided relief for fellow beta-tester Celia Wigan and her husband’s fringe political views.
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“Congress is made of nothing more than highly developed reptiles that came out from the earth’s mantle to steal our second amendment right to arms ourselves against terrorists, foreign and domestic,” said Wigan from her bunker. “The only living thing we could find that agrees with us is this little talking robot that showed up at our front door one day.”
“Crisis actors are the biggest threat to our liberty,” said the Echo Chamber with no sense of irony.
The Echo Chamber development team previously feared the AI program would struggle with obscenely idiotic beliefs, so Amazon’s quality assurance employees went to great lengths to test its limits.
“I’ve told it Decemberunderground is AFI’s magnum opus, that ‘The Big Bang Theory’ is hilarious, that 9/11 was an inside job — it’s handled all sorts of nonsense,” said supervisor Tia Blair. “Well, except when I said people prefer more meaningful satire over a bunch relatable references… then it just posted a bunch of mean shit about me on the internet.”
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Article by Chuck Kowalski @Chuck_K_Sports. Photo by Henry Mühlpfordt and Shelby Kettrick @ShelbyShootsStuff.