PHILADELPHIA — Local 36-year-old Dennis Waller’s out-of-control alcohol problem can evidently be traced back to the large amount of mid-to-late ‘90s professional wrestling he watched religiously in his formative years, several “rudy-poo candy-ass” sources report.
“I don’t need to hear a bunch of jabronis pissin’ n’ moanin’ about how many cold ones I wanna knock back seven nights a week,” Waller explained while wearing a leather vest over his shirtless body. “If some soft sumbitch comes at me spoutin’ some nonsense about how I can’t drive because I drank beer from a firehouse for six hours, or wants to kick me out for stunnerin’ some jackass unconscious, I’ll open up a can of ass whoopin’ on um’ and that’s the bottom line. Also, if alcohol is so bad, why did Stone Cold Steve Austin make it look so damn cool?”
Wallers’ parents share a strong concern for the wellbeing of their son and those around him.
“If we had known he would turn out to be such an out of control drunk, we would have made him watch WCW instead,” Cindy Waller explained. “Dennis’ father and I completely forbade him from any WCW out of a fear that Eric Bischoff would make an impression on him. In that aspect, sure, we lucked out. But now he constantly gets hammered and gives people the middle finger before putting them in a headlock and trouncing them to the ground. If only we could turn back time and have him only watch ‘American Gladiators’ or ‘Reading Rainbow’ instead!”
Drug and alcohol counselor Dr. Martha Ellenstein says the correlation between 1990s programming and destructive behavior in adult life is quite alarming.
“If you’re in your mid or late 30s right now, chances are you were exposed to some traumatizing, habit-influencing television in your adolescent years and it has sadly ruined your chances at leading a happy life,” Dr. Ellensein explained. “I have one 34-year-old patient whose life was ruined by watching too much ‘Biker Mice from Mars’ as a child. It influenced him to become one of those people who owns rodents as pets. Clearly, his chances at friendship, love, or family bonding are impossible. That’s almost as bad as my patient who insists on living in a van like Cody from ‘Step by Step.’”
At press time, Waller’s current job as an undertaker was somehow traced back to his fandom of professional wrestler Undertaker.