Culture Archives - HARDTIMES

Polls Show Ken Paxton Performing Favorably Among the Cannibalistic, Chainsaw-Wielding, Human Skin Mask-Wearing Faction of the Texas Electorate

Steve Packosky • July 2, 2026

WASHINGTON — Texas Republican nominee in the 2026 U.S. Senate election Ken Paxton is currently enjoying a wide berth over…

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Depressed Woman Terrified Her Plane Won’t Crash

Dom Turek • July 1, 2026

NEW YORK — An unruly passenger disrupted service aboard Delta Flight 180 flying from LaGuardia Airport to Los Angeles International…

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Co-Worker Who Started Watching Soccer Last Week Already Knows Enough to Mansplain

Cam Berkowitz • July 1, 2026

RALEIGH, N.C. — Local procurement specialist Will Abbott revealed that he spent nearly an entire afternoon skimming the rules, players,…

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Friend Who Says They Don’t Need Therapy Sure Is Talking Your Goddamn Ear Off About Their Problems

Kevin Coutu • June 30, 2026

CHICAGO — Your friend who insists they don’t need therapy, which they describe as self-indulgent bullshit for weak people desperate…

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Cheryl Hines Dies From Sepsis After Kissing RFK Jr. On the Lips

Brett Olsen • June 30, 2026

WASHINGTON — A much-needed romantic night out ended in tragedy after Cheryl Hines finally kissed Robert F. Kennedy Jr. on…

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Quitting Drinking for Attention Leads Man to Relapse for Attention

Adam Frost-Venrick • June 29, 2026

SANTA FE, N.M. — Local man Jacob Wilmer recently gave up drinking for attention, only to relapse for even more…

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‘I Need To Have Kids to Leave a Legacy,’ Says Man Whose Legacy Will Be DUIs

Adam Frost-Venrick • June 28, 2026

ZANESVILLE, Ohio — Local Payroll Specialist and office pest Derek Norton decided to prioritize having children as a means of…

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Chillinoutmaxxing Still Popular Among Willennials

Kevin Coutu • June 28, 2026

PHILADELPHIA — Chillinoutmaxxing reportedly remains the defining trend among Willennials, with analysts noting an ever-increasing interest in the cultural attitudes…

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Eagle Scout Finally Putting Knot Tying Skills To Use as Shibari Instructor

Stephen Bell • June 27, 2026

DES MOINES, Iowa — Highly decorated Eagle Scout Jeff Bronson was excited to finally put his knot tying skills to…

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SpaceX Sets Record for Tallest Overcompensation Ever Built

Finn Kobler • June 25, 2026

STARBASE, Tex. — Aerospace manufacturer SpaceX broke the Guinness World Record for tallest overcompensation ever built, eking out competitors like…

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