TAMPA, Fla. — Local millennial Stephanie Adams started mentally rebranding their growing number of gray hairs as “natural highlights,” confirmed sources who promptly decided to follow suit.
“I was noticing that my hair looked so much lighter, which was curious because I hadn’t left my apartment in weeks,” explained Adams. “So I realized that I’ve officially entered the phase where plucking my grays would leave me bald. Thus, I have decided to lie to myself, my loved ones, and total strangers in the interest of happiness. Having natural highlights is a hell of a lot cheaper than going to the salon every few weeks. In fact, the older I get, the more I realize how much money delusion saves in general. I saved 400 bucks just last month thanks to tricking myself.”
Christina Featherwood, hairdresser to millennials, shared her experiences on the topic.
“Increasingly, my job has involved a lot of tiptoeing around people’s ‘natural highlights,’” said Featherwood. “It’s a lot of carefully asking things like ‘Are you sure you don’t want to try a more exciting color?’ or ‘Would you like to enhance your natural highlights by perhaps adding some that aren’t gray?’ or ‘Do you know you are fucking old now?’ But they never seem to take the hint. They’re all convinced it’s 2005 and their aging hair is actually chunky highlights. It’s sad, really.”
Elle Nachum, a prominent clinical psychologist, went more in depth discussing the role of denial in the aging process.
“It used to be best practice to discourage denial and delusions in our clients. But as times change, we change our protocols,” said Nachum. “Lately, we’ve actually found that denial is an important part of aging. I recommend that my colleagues no longer discourage it because everything is so goddamn shitty, why not let clients have a little denial as a treat? In a late-stage capitalist society with a tanking economy, we have to encourage our haggard and elderly clients to find affordable joy where they can.”
Advertising brands are now looking into how the hell people found a way around their decades of research into how to make customers hate their ugly selves so much that they buy things.
