ORLANDO, Fla. — Disney executives announced today they will be switching to 100% free-range, humanely bred child stars in an effort to turn around the negative image surrounding their live-action children’s television practices, confirmed sources.
“America’s appetite for live-action comedy is as strong as ever, but their appetite for child actors that we breed in giant tubes, exercise on giant running wheels and do weird experiments on appears to be waning,” said Annalise Devereaux, President of Disney Channel Original Programming. “Kids are really responding to performers without that desperate dead look in their eye. While the cost of food and water to raise organic cast members is certainly higher, we’re seeing those investments more than made up for increased viewership. Ad revenue from our comedy division is up 27%.”
Peyton Cameron, star of Disney Channel’s hottest new comedy “Peyton The Town Red,” also appeared to be excited for the change.
“I like the grass; it’s soft like the carpet, but alive like not the carpet!” said Cameron. “It was scary being away from my agent overnight, and it took me a while to realize that the sun comes back every morning, but I think overall it’s been a positive experience. Plus, I’m learning new things every day! Like that the clouds aren’t big fluffy people and water can come from the sky!”
However, the move to free-range children has not been without its critics.
“I didn’t get into the child-star science industry just to increase shareholder value. I wanted to make a difference,” said Professor Heinrich Schwarzfrost, the disembodied brain in a vat of fluid currently serving as Head of Disney’s Child Star Development Program through a tiny speaker attached to the horrific devices keeping him alive. “When I was a ski instructor in a neutral European country during World War II, I had this idea for a two-headed child star. It would star in an ‘Odd Couple’-style show called ‘Better Than One.’ They’re a football coach and a scientist who just can’t see eye to eye…metaphorically, physically for a two-headed person that would be very easy. Ah, so it goes.”
At press time, Disney would not answer questions regarding the island where they breed the monsters for their live-action reboots, claiming it was unrelated and all specimens were secured and accounted for.
