LOS GATOS, Calif. — Netflix announced plans for a new economy plan that allows users to scroll through the homepage but prohibits them from watching anything, frugal sources confirmed.
“We’re beyond excited to roll out this new, first-of-its-kind option,” said Kim Martinez, a spokesperson for Netflix. “For too long our user base has been limited to people who theoretically have at least some passing interest in watching our content. But now, with our economy tier, we’re expanding the Netflix family to include the millions of people who just want to open up an app and scroll through an infinite series of thumbnail images before getting bored and looking at their phone. And of course, if one program in our library of mindless content happens to stand out, users can easily upgrade to our standard plan and watch as many minutes of it as they can before, again, getting bored and looking at their phone.”
Local man Pierce Halberstam, an infrequent subscriber of streaming services, expressed interest in this new, low-cost plan.
“I don’t pay for any streaming services now because I’ve already watched the three TV shows I like several times,” Halberstam mused. “But I definitely miss the ritual of navigating to the Netflix app, seeing the big red logo pop up, and thumbing through a menu of reality shows, stand-up specials, and $300-million-dollar original movies without ever clicking on any of them. It’s the perfect activity for killing time by myself, or with my friends or my girlfriend. We love to scroll together and point out shows our coworkers told us about, and movies that we definitely want to watch but not right now, and things that have that guy from that other thing. I’m gonna sign up for it, unless my parents do it first and I can get their password.”
Rita Smith-Pelley, an analyst for the prominent investment firm Congruency, says the market is very bullish on Netflix stock after this news.
“The tech markets are responding very favorably to the scroll-only tier,” said Smith-Pelley. “The consensus among investors is that this is a brilliant strategic move by Netflix to bring in new users at a low price point without pressuring them to actually watch any of the instantly forgettable content that occupies the platform. And rumors are circulating that Netflix plans to produce several star-studded thumbnail images– unconnected to any watchable content– to further attract users to this tier. It’s clear that Netflix is positioning itself to appeal to modern audiences who want a smooth, glossy interface but have no real interest in film or television.”
At press time, Netflix issued a follow-up press release announcing a new ultra-economy tier, where user scrolling would be accompanied by ad breaks.
