SAN ANTONIO — Local “good guy” and gun enthusiast Dean Hart admitted today that “constant” rejection and overwhelming loneliness has only increased his bitterness towards women, several long-winded social media posts confirmed.
“Girls always talk about how they want a nice guy, but anyone with half a brain knows that’s a damn lie,” Hart said, while cleaning a 9mm handgun at his kitchen table. “I’m the nicest guy there is… I mean, would a not-nice guy take care of six dogs and three tarantulas every day? Yeah, right. They all just want some dick that’s gonna treat them like dirt — every stupid one of them.”
Jana Stewart, a former girlfriend of Hart, explained why their relationship fizzled when reached for comment.
“We met in high school. He was sort of a shy guy, but opened up when you got to know him,” said Stewart, who has filed three restraining orders against her ex. “But that was sort of the problem — a lot of the stuff he was into was pretty dark.”
“He spent a lot of time on these weird message boards, and was always pointing out anything he thought proved the existence of the Illuminati,” she added. “Last I heard, he was really into cryptocurrency. Plus, his spiders were just creepy as fuck.”
Hart insisted it’s not his own shortcomings responsible for his lack of romantic prospects, but rather, a society that “brainwashed women into ignoring him.”
- Legendary Frontman Proudly Recites Age of Consent in All 50 States
- Five Inspiring Tech Entrepreneurs Who Will Be Hanged in the Revolution
- Nation Finally Comes Together to Ban Guns N’ Roses
“I’ve spent who-knows-how-long reading every book on dating that there is, so when they don’t return my Tinder messages, then, yeah, I get pissed off,” said Hart. “It takes a lot for me to work up the nerve to say, ‘Sup?’ to these women. I put myself out there, and they all just laugh at me. But that’s all gonna change soon.”
Despite numerous warning signs posted over his various forms of social media, local law enforcement officials confirmed plans to follow protocol and not intercede until Hart already put someone in immediate physical danger.
Support The Hard Times by picking up a shirt or two: