DAYTON, Ohio — The United States of America was embarrassed to admit it accidentally double-booked two mass shootings within 24 hours of each other, sources close to the situation confirmed.
“Yeah I really stepped in it here,” said the the 243-year-old nation. “Usually we try to spread these things out by like a month so it gives everyone time to make excuses for why shootings keep happening. I must have gotten my dates mixed up and didn’t realize I had two radicalized domestic terrorists booked in the same time slot.”
The shootings in El Paso, Texas and Dayton, Ohio mark the 250th and 251st incidents of gun violence in 2019, but fans of the North American country were quick to defend its booking practices.
“Obviously, my thoughts and prayers go out to everyone affected. Hell, I got thoughts and prayers coming out my ass for all these people ok? But if you don’t like living in constant fear of random attacks by psychopathic little twerps that spend too much time on the Internet, then you can go to literally any other country in the world to be safe, snowflake,” said NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre. “But I can’t stress enough that if more people just wore body armor and carried weapons on their person each time they enter a public facility then these shooters could be stopped sooner.”
“Unless of course they are also wearing body armor, then I don’t really know what to do,” added LaPierre.
Due to the current backlash, the United States plans to delay announcing the lineup and locations for “Shooter Fest,” a three-day gun rampage expected to take place across the country without any intervention by the government.