OKLAHOMA CITY — Scientists announced that the ashes of a cremated punk were so toxic that it would likely poison the entire local ecosystem for generations, according to nearby sources gasping for breath.
“We knew that these types of individuals were infamously noxious, but we didn’t expect just how much of a negative impact their deceased bodies would have on everything around them,” stated a very concerned Dr. Jacoby Kinsley. “Normally when a person croaks and gets incinerated, their ashes pose no external threat, but what we witnessed with this one particular scumbag was a fallout worse than what happened after Chernobyl’s number four reactor exploded. And those people had a better chance of survival.”
Local resident Carly Leung described the impact that the poisoned ashes had on her family.
“One day we woke up and it looked like the apocalypse,” said Leung. “My prized vegetable garden suddenly shriveled up and turned a putrid black without any warning, then all of our livestock began foaming at mouth before committing mass suicide by jumping off the cliff. At first I thought there must have been a leak at the nearby sewage treatment plant, but then I heard on the news that some stupid punk had his burnt up leftovers tossed off the bridge and into the main river. I’m a devout Christian and I know he’s already dead, but I wish he was even deader.”
Keith Forge, a mortician with over 30 years of experience, weighed in with his thoughts.
“Most people don’t realize that a punk, in any form—whether solid, liquid, or gas—is one of the most dangerous elements known to man,” Forge explained. “Never scatter a punk’s ashes into the air. Instead, try to bury their remains as quickly as possible after they expire as deep down into the earth’s core as you can. Then pour all the cement you can find on top, before encasing it all in an airtight titanium chamber. Then pray that God exists. And if he does, hope he can protect you from the evil that you just messed with, because you’re very likely going to be cursed.”
At press time, the airborne particles of ash were reportedly seen raising the dead of a nearby graveyard.