BOSTON – A 25 minute Facebook rabbit hole took a depressing turn for local man Pat Kelly when he discovered the Burn shirt he never got back from his ex-girlfriend was currently being worn by her new boyfriend in his most recent Facebook profile picture.
“I couldn’t believe it,” said a sullen Kelly from his dimly lit bedroom. “I just kept thinking ‘Really? This toolbag has my shirt now?’ He is a total fucking dweeb, it’s upsetting. I loved that shirt, I bet he doesn’t even listen to Burn.”
The Burn shirt in question was one of the few shirts Kelly never got back following his tumultuous split from long-term girlfriend Meg Sullivan back in 2013.
“The worst part is the guy is obviously bigger than me and is probably stretching it all out, if I had the option I am not even sure I would want the shirt back if it was going to be all loose and beat up,” said Kelly. “I wouldn’t be able to look at it the same way ever again.”
Sullivan defended her decision to give the shirt to her new boyfriend, Pete Fitzsimmons.
“Pete actually treats the shirt with the respect it deserves OK? Pat never really cared about this shirt, he is just mad seeing it with someone else. It also looks way better on Pete, he fills it out much better. And let’s be honest, Pete probably isn’t going to be the last one inside that shirt,” said Sullivan.
Kelly eventually began to calm down and take a different tone once the initial rush of emotions subsided.
“Listen, when I saw my Burn shirt on someone new I immaturely thought ‘Hey, that’s mine’, but that shirt never really belonged to me. I just hope this guy takes it out more often, and appreciates it more than I did. That shirt deserves the best, I want it to be happy.”
Photo by Chris Dooley.