BOISE, Ida. — Roland Gelford, a member of the baby boomer generation, made sure to have his awful ringtone set to maximum volume on his phone before going out to run a few errands, sources who can’t hear themselves even think anymore report.
“I was headed out the door and for a second thought I had forgotten something. I checked to make sure I had my keys and my wallet then it hit me… I had forgotten to make sure I had the most awful-sounding ringtone selected with the sound all the way up. It was a close call!” said Gelford over the quacking duck sound on his phone. “Good thing I checked, can you imagine how embarrassing that would’ve been to be in public and have a normal ringtone set at a reasonable volume?”
Gelford’s wife reports that Roland forgetting to set his ringtone with the most cringe-inducing sound possible has become an issue and that she will leave him notes to remind him.
“I’ve been leaving sticky notes on the door to remind him as he is leaving the house. I’ll usually write something like ‘Don’t forget to turn the volume up on your phone so that everyone around you has their ears bleed’ or ‘Try the dog barking one or the one that sounds like an old-time car horn for a change,’” said Laura Gelford. “I know how important it is for him when he is out of the house to have the most annoying sound ever on his phone so that he can pretend he doesn’t hear it and just let it ring non-stop.”
Apple marketing manager Trent Collumb says the tech giant is working on a system to alert users to check that they will be appropriately annoying in public.
“We’re looking at an update that would detect when someone is about to leave their house and send them a push notification to ensure they have the most irritating ringtone on before exiting their house,” said Collumb. “We’re also working on a new set of ringtones for those who want to further aggravate anyone around them. These new ringtones include the sound of a dentist’s drill, fingernails running along guitar strings, and a child actor singing a Broadway musical.”
At press time, Mr. Gelford was spotted at a local movie theater where he seemed to be completely oblivious to the loud “boing” sound repeatedly coming from his phone.