WASHINGTON — President Biden sent his longtime friend Benjamin Netanyahu a thoughtful handwritten birthday card with a crisp $5 fresh off the mint, as well as another billion dollars in weapons to continue Israel’s assault on multiple civilian populations, sources confirmed.
“I love the birthday cards I get from politicians around the world, but it really warms my heart whenever American lawmakers take the time to send me well wishes,” said Israel’s Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “Democrats or Republicans, it doesn’t matter I love them all. And I keep a list of everyone who doesn’t reach out and I’ll ensure they are voted out of office soon. Joe’s latest card was really touching. He said he loved me at least a dozen times, male friendships are tough to maintain as you get older and I hope we stay in touch when he leaves office I really do. I’m going to miss having him around. He’s always been so quick to send me all the weapons we need and he always steps in to make sure other countries don’t sanction us for ‘war crimes.’”
President Biden says he spent hours crafting the perfect card.
“Listen Jack, I love arts and crafts. Since I was a boy, a small little boy in a working-class family in Scranton, Pennsylvania I’ve made every birthday card I ever sent by hand. Sometimes I’ll paint some raw macaroni and glue it to card stock, other times I write a nice little poem, but for Bibi I went all out,” said the lame duck President. “This card was a hand-drawn timeline of our friendship. I remember the first time I helped send him missiles back in 1996. Since then I’ve helped authorize hundreds of arms shipments to him. Literally billions in American taxpayer money sent to my close personal friend, I only wish I could send him more. That’s why I sent him the extra $5.”
Political analyst Kimora Phillips was not surprised by Biden’s generosity.
“Every American politician for the past 60 years has had to pledge their undying loyalty to Israel. Netanyahu knows this and takes full advantage of it. I know Senator John Fetterman sent the Prime Minister a few pairs of his favorite sweatpants and a few Steelers Terrible Towels,” said Phillips. “President Trump sent Netanyahu a few boxes of Trump-branded steaks, water, and alcohol which apparently made the Prime Minister very sick. Some people thought it was an assassination attempt at first, but then realized that’s what happens to anyone dumb enough to consume a Trump product.”
At press time, Trump and Harris set aside their difference to send Netanyahu a joint video where they both expressed their love for the genocidal leader.