COLTS NECK, N.J. — 40-year-old Luke Childers grew increasingly despondent as his birthday party came to a close, realizing for the third decade in a row that he would not be receiving a pair of Nickelodeon Moon Shoes, family members have confirmed.
“I don’t ask for much, save for a pair of goddamn Moon Shoes so I could feel one fleeting moment of weightlessness. It’s been on my birthday wishlist for thirty years straight, you’d think somebody would pull through and get me a pair. It’s not like I haven’t been hinting at it seconds after I saw the commercial during an episode of ‘Hey Dude,’” said Childers. “Yes, I know I’m a grown man but I was the only kid on my block without mobile trampolines and it’s hard to let it go, okay? I just hope my parents bought them and just lost the box somewhere in the attic. Then I’ll show those little shitheads from elementary school that I was just as cool as they were.”
Childers’ mother was bewildered that he was still bitter after all these years.
“I’m not sure why he’s been holding on to this for so long. I never bought them because they looked shoddily made and he’d probably break his ankles trying to run with them, which would be a crappy way to spend a birthday. He can keep waiting because this year I got him socks,” said Carol Childers. “I guess this explains why he’s always so mopey on his birthday. I got that ungrateful little shit a new car and a PlayStation 2 for his 17th birthday. He has no reason to act like he’s never received anything cool. I can’t believe I raised such a dork.”
Former Nickelodeon marketing executive Ron Sheridan was surprised by his creation’s longevity.
“It’s wild how many ‘90s kids are still yearning for our version of the Moon Shoes. They already existed, all we did was slap the Nick logo on it and added wacky-looking crap like we did with the other toys. But when you combine it with sugary cereal and ‘Ren & Stimpy,’ these damn shoes became the pinnacle moment of many millennials’ lives,” said Sheridan. “I’m surprised there are adults out there hunting them down like addicts who need another hit, but I guess if everyone got a pair except for me, I too might have a shitfit well into adulthood.”
As of press time, Childers was throwing a massive temper tantrum after momentarily believing his wife was surprising him with Moon Shoes, only to find that she confused them with moon boots.