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We Sat Down With a Polyamorous Couple, and Apparently, They Don’t Fuck Just Anybody

Regardless of your relationship status, the past year of quarantine and lockdown has certainly put added stress on everyone’s love life. It took my partner and I about one week of uninterrupted contact to realize we shouldn’t live together, and I’ve had very little human interaction, romantic or otherwise, since they left.

I was super excited when this polyamorous couple agreed to come by for an “interview.” Unfortunately by “interview,” they meant interview.

The Hard Times: Hey, it’s so good to meet you! You look even better in person. Come on in, make yourselves comfortable. I’m mixing cocktails, what’s your poison?

Poly Couple: Um, hi. Water is fine. What’s with all the candles? Is your apartment always so dungeon-y? It can’t be easy to get journalism work done with this lighting.

Usually it’s brighter, but I had some interns come by and make the place extra sexy for your arrival. That couch cover is real shag, you know.

…Uh-huh. Is that, like, a standard interview practice?

Interview? Oh my god, you’re so funny. [laughing coquettishly] So how does this work? Do you want to map out a game plan, or should we just strip and go to town on each other?

What?! We thought you wanted to have us around to conduct an interview for a piece about alternative relationship styles! Fuck! We’re outta here. We knew it was weird when you said we had to come in person.

No no no, don’t go! This is a regular interview… I was just making a hilarious joke! We’re actually mostly a humor site so, you know. OK. So. How did you first hear about polyamory?

That’s better. Well, we read a few books about ways couples bring excitement back into their relationship and this seemed like a model that would work for us.

Uh-huh, sure, sure. And has it worked?

Totally. We couldn’t live any other way!

Gotcha. Thanks for the fantastic interview!

That’s it?

Yep. Quick and easy! Anyhoo, now that you’re here how about we slip into something more comfortable…

Nope! Hard no! Listen closely. Being poly doesn’t mean we just fuck whoever whenever. Especially not some sketchy punk trying to pass off their apartment as a weird gothy harem. Fuck this “interview” and fuck your publisher for enabling your bullshit! You’re just an extension of the kind of toxic culture we’re trying to move past. Go to hell. We’re outta here!

Oh god, you’re right! This was a stupid idea. It’s just, I’ve been alone in this place for almost a year and you were so nice over email… I just didn’t realize how much I needed to be around other humans. I’m so sorry for making you uncomfortable.

Aww. Are you crying? Hey, it’s ok. This year has been hard on all of us. Just because you lured us into your office under false pretenses doesn’t mean you’re not humans who need to be loved. Come here and give us a hug.

Now we’re talkin!

What the fuck! Did you just grab our ass?! Not cool! Goodbye! This is the last time we agree to an interview from someone on Grindr!