Our own vanity plays a huge part in making the “body horror” genre of movies so terrifying. One day you’re walking around in your mid-20’s in the prime of your life, and the next thing you know flesh-eating bacteria is melting your face off or hair starts growing out of your eyeballs.
Such is the case of Josh Albertson. Maybe it’s not exactly like the movies but for all intents and purposes he’s become a grotesque caricature of himself, because as of today he’s been alive for exactly 40 years.
“I didn’t even notice until my nephew asked me what the 1900’s were like. Then the changes came all at once. Like head splitting bouts of tinnitus, acute heartburn that felt like something was going to bust out of my chest, and all the like. It wasn’t until I woke up with hemorrhoids this morning that I realized we’d have to change my birthday dinner from Mexican food to something bland.”
Has he tampered in God’s domain with all the supplements and vitamins he’s taken over the years, or did he take his youth for granted and is now trapped inside the prison that is rapidly collapsing health? Surely humans were not meant to exist this long. Somebody get David Cronenberg on the phone!
This poor bastard must’ve made a wish on a monkey’s paw or pissed off a witch in his youth, judging by the way his body is collapsing almost to the minute he exited the womb four decades prior. Either that or male pattern baldness skipped a generation and he’s getting the shit end of the genetic lottery.
“Last month I went to a house show and I swear I only had two beers and hung out in the back of the crowd. I woke up the next day and felt like I’d been in a car accident. What the hell is happening to me? I feel like I’m living out the plot of ‘Thinner’.”
If this is 40, we shudder to think what’s in store for next year. At this rate he’s one violent sneeze away from evacuating his central nervous system through his nasal cavity, that is if he doesn’t pull every muscle in his back blowing out the birthday candles first.
While there’s no telling how much time Josh has left until he starts looking, one thing is certain: his insurance isn’t covering any of this shit.