Last night America witnessed the first and possibly only debate between two presidential hopefuls. One of them, former president Trump, came down pretty hard on illegal immigrants who have abortions after birth and eat dogs. His opponent, and actually both moderators, immediately denied that such a demographic even exists. Well, I can assure you, there is at least one of us.
I am one of the child-killing dog eaters who entered the country illegally, and despite his harsh words against people like me, Trump has my vote. Is it because he makes me feel seen? Partially, but in order to fully understand my reasoning, you need to know a bit about my journey.
I came to this country seeking asylum, by which I of course mean a mental institution that would terminate the pregnancy I just gave birth to, then escape and eat your beloved family dog like the late great Michael Myers. Imagine my surprise when I got to America!
Just getting here was a nightmare, it took me a dozen attempts and I was coming from Canada for fucks sake! I made my way to what I was told was an illegal immigrant hotspot hoping someone could point me to the nearest baby disposal facility, hoping it would be right next to your beautiful white picket home, 2.5 children, and your well-fed and clearly delicious dog. Everyone I met however was just some loser looking for back-breaking labor so they could send money to their families. I began to wonder if this was even the right America.
Then there was the hospital, where I demanded my abortion and was simply asked “How long have you been pregnant?” Like, hey genius, I’m clearly holding a newborn, do they not teach math at med school? Then when they finally did take my baby they just gave it a bunch of food and medicine, the opposite of what I ordered! Couple that with the fact that I’ve yet to eat a single animal with a name-tag and I am one PISSED illegal immigrant!
So why am I voting for a man who essentially tricked me into thinking this was the land of the free and home of illegal baby-killing dog eaters? Because we can help each other out.
As Kamala Harris poignantly pointed out, Trump would rather run on a problem than fix it. By supporting him, it is my hope that he will provide avenues for me to murder my son and slow roast your labradoodle so he can point and say “See?”
Mr. Trump is a businessman after all, and he will recognize that this is a fantastic deal. He scratches my back (allowing me to murder my child and eat an animal you love like a member of your family) I scratch his (becoming a living avatar of his fear-mongering lies Twilight Zone/monkey’s paw ironic-twist style.) He’s already cozied up to Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un without losing one ounce of support from his “patriotic” base. Surely the MAGA crowd can forgive a bit of backroom dealing with one lowly baby-killing dog eater?