Peter Woods, Author at HARDTIMES

Opinion: For the Last Goddamn Time, We’re Not a Ska Band. We’re the London Philharmonic Orchestra

October 29, 2021

Alright, listen. I’m sick of dealing with this over and over again, so I’m setting the record straight for good…

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Local Creep Inspired to Run Marathon After Seeing Woman With Visible Tattoos 26.2 Miles Away

October 11, 2021

HOPKINGTON, Mass. — Local creep Brad Hinton announced his plans to run a full marathon, moments after seeing a woman…

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Oblivious Mom Turns Old Band Shirts Into $26,000 Quilt

October 2, 2021

CHATTANOOGA, Tenn. — Local punk Matthew Verne reportedly suffered an immense financial loss after his mother repurposed over $26,000 worth…

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Noise Musician’s Ex-Girlfriend “Totally Fine” Letting Break Up Ruin Noise Music for Her

September 28, 2021

EUGENE, Ore. — Local actuary Kelly Freeman reported that her recent breakup from noise musician Floyd Harrell has “completely ruined”…

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New Reunion Special Features All 7 Actors Who Have Played Andrew W.K.

September 22, 2021

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Representatives from HBO Max and the creative team behind Andrew W.K. announced plans to air a…

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Desperate High School English Teacher Starts Calling Symbolism “Easter Eggs”

September 13, 2021

IOWA CITY, Iowa — Local high school teacher Valerie Kaur is attempting to improve student engagement by referring to symbolism…

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It’s Tragic That Jimi Hendrix Didn’t Stay Alive Long Enough To Make a Shitty Synth Record in the ‘80s

August 31, 2021

It’s always a tragedy when a monumental artist is taken from us too soon, but in my opinion, none of…

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My Journey: How Masturbating Helped Me Feel Less Horny By Myself

July 26, 2021

The journey I took to finally feeling happy when I’m completely alone started with a simple problem: whenever I was…

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Post-Rock Band Teams up With Netflix Programmers to Offer “Skip Intro” Feature on Upcoming Album

May 5, 2021

TORONTO — Local post-rock band To Lay in a Store of Sucking Stones unveiled a “Skip Intro” feature designed by…

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joe biden, bernie sanders, debate, politics, republican, democrat

Bernie Sanders Accidentally Tells Joe Biden “Nice Set” After Debate

March 15, 2020

WASHINGTON — Democratic Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders accidentally told former Vice President Joe Biden “nice set” after tonight’s democratic debate,…

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