“I’m About To Be So Annoying” Announces Person Who Was Already Annoying

Posted on by Sarah Cortina

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local insufferable man Mitch Roberts announced recently that he was “about to be so annoying,” a sentiment confusing to those around him who already found his presence essentially intolerable, confirmed sources who recently blocked him on Instagram.   

“I can’t believe Harry Styles released a dance album and is doing a residency at Madison Square Garden. 30 days. It’s so amazing. I’m about to be so annoying about this. Wait, I’m literally screaming, it’s tears. I’m literally gagging. This is me if you even care,” Roberts squealed as he flipped his phone to display an AI-generated meme and scrolled past dozens of texts he’d sent to his friends that had gone unanswered. “Lowkirkenuinely, I’m like so sorry. Talking to me must be so brain rot. It’s giving irritating.”

On-and-off friend Taylor Jones had a difficult time associated with Roberts at times. 

“I can literally only hang out with him in one-hour increments. He’ll ask me to come over and he will just sit on his phone and talk about pop culture references,” said Jones ignoring eight straight texts from Roberts. “Genuinely, I don’t think he has a personality. I don’t understand how someone can be online as much as he is. We are all in our 20s. We all have jobs. How is your personal phone screen time nine hours when you have a full-time job? He makes good matchas though, so the friendship isn’t a total waste of time.” 

Despite the devotion of fans like Roberts, even singer Harry Styles finds them incredibly fucking infuriating. 

“Honestly, these bitches are fucking insufferable, but getting them to pay top dollar for nosebleeds at Madison Square Garden is like taking candy from a baby that won’t stop crying during a flight,” said Styles. “Wait, is this on the record? Delete that. Delete that shit right now. My fans can find out where you live in 30 seconds flat. It’s so exasperating.”

At press time, Roberts was found asking friends if they’re mad at him despite not even knowing that his friends had been mad at him for days.

My Life is Just Like ‘Euphoria’ Except for All the Sex, Drugs, and Friends

Posted on by Doug Kolic

I’ve heard of people getting their identities stolen, but what I just experienced takes it to a whole other level. It was another Saturday night when I was watching the HBO show Euphoria alone at home, like I always do, when I realized that what was depicted on screen was basically my entire friggin’ life. Not counting all that sex, drugs, and general camaraderie between characters, of course. 

I’m not much of a conspiracy theorist, but when presented with irrefutable evidence about the network co-opting my life, there’s no other conclusion I can make. Did they have a TV executive follow me around for the past decade, documenting all my movements, or have they been Truman-Showing me without my knowledge after installing hidden cameras everywhere? Because that’s the feeling I’m really getting watching this show, by myself in my basement apartment like every other night of the year, pounding back bottles of Monster Energy, because everyone else sucks.

Sydney Sweeney, who plays Cassie Howard, looks and acts exactly like a girl I was hot and heavy with back in college. Her name was Polly, and she was the spitting image of this character, and more importantly, she had the same insatiable sex drive. At least she did when I fantasized about her in algebra class, as I was too chicken shit to ever approach her.

Then there’s Zendaya’s character, Rue, fighting her way through horrible addictions to opioids, fentanyl, and coke, which feels oddly familiar to my own history with substances that I can’t seem to control, like my compulsion for Red Bull, Rockstar, G Fuel, Ghost, Gorilla Mind, Bang, and the aforementioned Monster. 

If that wasn’t bad enough, now I’m watching The Pitt, and yup, all my concerns were just validated because yet another HBO program is stealing from my life! It’s so plainly obvious that Noah Wyle’s Dr. Rabinavitch was based on me. Sure, I may not be as handsome or as medically informed, but I have logged an absurd number of hours in the ER thanks to chronic nosebleeds from all those tasty energy drinks.

Visionary Photographer Tells Band to Look as Bored as Possible

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

LOS ANGELES — A visionary photographer told the band Murder Muffin to look as bored as possible during a photo shoot for an album cover, sources confirmed.

“I told Murder Muffin to get on board with my vision or I’ll take my art somewhere more deserving,” said Dean Chapman, legendary music photographer. “I need everyone looking bored. Look off in the distance and disassociate, like you’re walking out of an airplane bathroom you just nuked. Be bored and you’ll look bored. Not high-bored. Not too-cool-for-this bored. I need bored-bored. Ever see an album cover or a show poster where each member of the band is dressed differently and looks vaguely disappointed about it so they look away from the camera? Of course you haven’t, but you will after today. Start getting bored right now or I’ll tell you about the dream I had last night or show you the AI art I made or have you smell my candle collection. I have fucking thousands of candles.”

The members of Murder Muffin did their best to live up to Chapman’s vision.

“We respect the artistic process. We do method stuff, too, like how we rented out a rehearsal space that’s haunted by the time the Red Hot Chili Peppers played there. I think the end result will be worth it. No one has ever shot a band like this, where everyone just sort of stands there like they’re waiting for their order at Chik-fil-A,” said Vix Rockwater, rhythm triangle player for Murder Muffin. “This is our way of paying homage to the bands that influence us, like Sonic Youth, The Strokes, and Babes in Toyland. The difference is they only looked bored. We’re doing the real thing, and in another 17 hours, I think we’ll have it.”

Scott Stapp, vocalist for the multi-platinum rock band Creed, cautioned Murder Muffin about taking the artistic process too far.

“We brought in a visionary photographer for the ‘Weathered’ album cover, too. That’s the album where all the band members’ faces are baked into the side of a tree. You’ll never guess how we got our faces into that tree, and you really won’t guess how we got them out of there,” Stapp said. “I’d tell Murder Muffin the same thing I told Turnstile and Viagra Boys: can Creed open for you? We’re looking to get back to it now that ‘One Last Breath’ is a meme.”

As of press time, Murder Muffin’s label opted to use an “even more visionary” solid black square for the album cover instead.

Gunshot Awakens Donald Trump at White House Correspondents’ Dinner

Posted on by Dan Katz

WASHINGTON — Stunned onlookers at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner are still reeling after a gunshot awakened President Donald Trump from a peaceful nap on the dais. 

“I was just feet away from the shooter when he roused the President from his slumber,” recalled a clearly shaken Wolf Blitzer. “I will never forget the terror of seeing Mr. Trump go from a state of adorable slumber to droopy-eyed, half-conscious apathy. He probably thought the Oval Office press conference was over.”

At press time, a delirious Trump was whispering, ”Nap! Nap!” with his fist half raised in the air in a safe room at an undisclosed location.

This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as it develops. 

Doctors Recommend Disappointingly Low Number of Lunch Beers

Posted on by Shane Pauker

SEATTLE — The World Health Organization formally recommended people only consume a disappointingly low number of beers at lunch, citing longitudinal studies, historical recordkeeping, and new data.

“I can’t believe I have to say this, but the typical, recommended number of lunch beers is zero. Two sips tops,” warned hepatologist Dr. Andrew-Bob Coalinga of Seattle’s Swedish Medical Center. “Even beyond liver damage and cancer risk, the social fallout of becoming a lunch beer guy has been linked to psychological damage, worsening from your 20s through 60s before plateauing. I advise all my patients to abstain from beer at lunch in all scenarios, unless maybe it’s a sunny Friday and you don’t have that much work to do and cracking open one or two would really hit the spot.” 

The suggestion is already ruining lunch for beer enthusiasts nationwide.

“I’ve always considered myself a reasonably healthy person, so this comes as a shock,” admitted frequent lunch beer consumer Margaret Lott. “I figured that moderation would be enough: I only eat red meat twice per meal. I only let myself have cigarettes while I’m on the treadmill. I already cut IPAs out of my lunch rotation! But if even if four light beers in the lunch box is too much, what’s left? Only having my PB&Js with Bloody Marys and mimosas?”

Lunch beer specialists, however, maintain their support for its consumption.

“Luncheon ales are the only thing that can keep the morale of this nation up,” preached self-described beerologist and University of Washington Sigma Chi President Gavin DeChambeau. “They’re lowkirkuenly good for you on all fronts. First, let’s look at mental health. Every psych major I’ve let into a party says self-medication is key. Load progressively — breakfast, lunch, and dinner in equal small parts. Next, physical health. Americans already have startling foam deficiencies in their diet; a nice, shittily poured head helps bridge that gap. Finally, spiritual health. How can you and your brothers build a shrine to anything without huge reserves of Natty Ice cans to build it out of? Lunch beers are three for three.”

At press time, the WHO recommended that if you or a loved one needs to safely dispose of any existing lunch beers, store them in a buddy’s fridge until the next Dodgers game is on TV.

Top 5 National Parks My Company Can Destroy To Build an AI Data Center

Posted on by Finn Kobler

I’ve been to all 15 National Parks in the US, 3 in Tajikistan, and a Busch Gardens high on shrooms. Safe to say, I know the majesty of nature when I see it. But my criteria for what constitutes the best piece of land have changed since I’ve gotten older. While I used to prioritize natural beauty, expansive hiking trails, and remoteness so my wife couldn’t call to berate me about spending our rent money on PJ Harvey Funko Pops, things have changed since I got a new job. My work as an AI Ethics Officer at Harold Benis, LLC has reshaped how I see the world. Now I don’t just appreciate Lake Clark for its scenic waters and ability to kill people from Alaska. I see its potential to hold compute clusters for high-speed chatbots. With that in mind, here are the top 5 National Parks my company wants to tear down to build AI Data Centers!

HAWAI’I VOLCANOES:

The last time I went to Mauna Loa, I heard an ‘io hawk chirp gently over amber magma, I felt the salt breeze in my hair, and I dreamt of a big cube absorbing code right in the middle of it all. Plus, with the recent island floods, our hyperscaler’s use of 3 million gallons of water per day could dry the whole community back up!

YELLOWSTONE:

Speaking of H2O, think about how much prettier the Steamboat Geyser waters would be cooling down a high-density GPU that’s just been prompted to write Naruto-pegging-Hamish-Linklater yaoi fanfiction.

JOSHUA TREE:

This gem of San Bernardino County generally attracts campers who are socially liberal and fiscally conservative. Now, it can expand its demo to include socially technofascist, biospherically barren.

BRYCE CANYON:

I asked 12 different men named Bryce about getting rid of this canyon, and not one of them gave a shit. Plus, the “ Amphitheater” is totally false advertising. I tried screening my child’s middle school production of Seussical Jr. at Paunsaugunt Plateau, but the cider cones made the images super choppy…unlike our Diffusion model, which trains on billions of image-text pairs to create consistent 4K PNGs.

THEODORE ROOSEVELT:

While it’s spellbinding to see prairie dogs, mule deer, and bison up close, the name of this steppe is too problematic to ignore. It’s time to reclaim this land from a controversial president who, according to our company’s LLM, ate Monica Lewinsky.

Anthropologists Discover Uncontacted Metal Subgenre

Posted on by Charles Bill

STOCKHOLM, Sweden — Leading musical anthropologists announced that they have discovered a previously uncontacted metal genre, confirmed sources.

“I was exploring through Sweden, trying to find where those gummy fish come from,” said anthropologist Dr. Erin Weir. “As I’m wandering through the deep woods, I hear some tasty licks, the kind of tasty licks I’ve never heard before. I pushed through the underbrush and found my way to a clearing where a tribe of Swedish youths were playing an entirely new type of metal. I asked them what they called it, and they told me they were Brungo. Thus, I dub this Brungo metal. I get to name it because they made me eat surströmming, so I earned it. Brungo metal is defined by slow chord progression, heavy emphasis on bass, and the drummer shitting himself at the end of each set.”

Weir went on to explain that not only was this a new genre of metal, but it was developed completely independently by Brungo.

“Ja, we make the metal ourselves,” said guitarist and lead screamer, Erik Knutsen. “When we were kids we only had Jimmy Buffet records because our parents were big parrot heads. From there we started experimenting and got to Brungo’s signature sound. Your musicologists tell us it is metal, but we just say it’s Brungo! It is natural musical reaction of seeing your father eaten by a bear, and your mother carried off by a flock of hawks. This is a traditional childhood for the Swedes.”

According to musical historians, this is one in a long line of discovered metal subgenres.

“This really reminds me of when power metal was discovered in a basement in Dayton in 1979,” said Rick Jones, professor of musicology at the University of Phoenix. “An individual reported a strange smell emanating from his neighbor’s house, and the police went to do a wellness check. They found six smelly teenagers who had been spending days figuring out how to play guitar faster and faster. And to this day, it is one of our most popular and cheesiest genres.”

At press time, Brungo was booked at sold out shows in Finland, Hamburg, and the festival from “Midsommar.”

What the Fuck? Glenn Beck Is Playing Synths on the New Ariel Pink Album, and It Sounds Really Good

Posted on by Kyle Donley

When hypnagogic mastermind Ariel Pink was outed for attending Donald Trump’s infamous January 6th rally, he lost it all — his record deal, his fan base, and what little respect still existed from his musical peers. However, for all he’s lost, he’s gained tenfold in the shockingly proficient synth playing of conservative media darling Glenn Beck. 

The unlikely pair hit it off when Beck first interviewed Pink back in 2021, the two bonding over their shared interest in reducing government spending and New Romantic-era synth pads. By the end of it, the interview had devolved into an impromptu Ativan-fueled jam session that seriously concerned the listeners of The Glenn Beck Program. The tapes were ultimately shelved, but the two men kept in touch on Truth Social until another chance encounter at CPAC ‘25 further solidified their chemistry. They ended up recording an EP’s worth of conservative talk radio on a Tascam Portastudio in Ariel’s hotel room that would ultimately get released as “The Home2Suites Tapes” on Heritage Foundation Records.  

While that project ultimately fizzled out, it was Beck’s surprisingly intuitive sense of melody that earned him a spot in Pink’s post-MAGA backing band, along with members from Damn Yankees and Trapt. His unique playing style — a cross between Gary Numan, shoegaze, and the Blue Collar Comedy Tour — has reenergized Pink’s sound, bringing the music into bold new directions that no one asked for. His remarkable talent for tone and polyphony has especially flourished in a way that ranting about federal overreach for 3 hours straight never could allow.   

For now, Beck has fully devoted his attention to the band as they gear up for a string of small club dates and county fair appearances. In what some are calling his 3rd midlife crisis, the one-time CEO has fully left his family and media company behind in North Texas to wear a dangly earring and just kind of vibe out in Silverlake for a while. And while his wife and kids and longtime listeners may not like it, it’s a big win for millennials everywhere who are just trying to reconnect with their dads in some way.

Produced by Ariel Pink and R. Stevie Moore, Glenn Beck’s debut solo LP Whispers Of Tomorrow is set for release on Jagjaguwar later this year, and critics are already hailing it as the official death knell of both lo-fi electronica and the Tea Party movement.

Groupie Upgrades From Bassist to Merch Guy

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

SEATTLE — Local groupie Ellie Winterman made a significant quality-of-life change by deciding to sleep with metal band Former Oracles’ merch guy instead of their bassist, sources report.

“Look, Sean was a nice guy and all, but it really wears you down to be fucking the lowest dude on the totem pole,” said Winterman while frantically folding size XXL shirts. “It’s embarrassing to come to shows and have other groupies ask me who I’m with and I have to sheepishly go ‘um, the guy on bass who weighs 140 pounds.’ I figure it’s just a better career move to get with Ian here and start slinging cassette tapes and shit. Actually, I bet I could make a killing on the resale market with some of these vinyl variants.”

Merch guy Ian Andersen seems pleased by Winterman’s decision.

“Ellie’s cool, she’s been coming to Oracles shows for like, two years, and started seeing Sean a few months ago. We just kind of let her pile in the van and stuff,” Andersen said, while taking four orders at the same time. “I don’t really know when she and I technically started dating. She just kind of waltzed over here, kissed me on the mouth, and said ‘are you out of mediums yet?’ And man, I fell in love right there and then. I guess someone is gonna have to tell Sean sooner or later.”

Groupie psychologist Dana McPherson offered her professional insight into the situation.

“Ms. Winterman is exhibiting perfectly natural behavior for someone in her community,” McPherson said, nodding her head sagely. “Think of this particular niche of women–and some men, and anyone else, they are very progressive–as a tribal hierarchy. Lead signers are, of course, the most coveted mates, followed by lead guitarists. And then, all the way at the bottom, below sound guys and maybe even venue staff, are bassists. It is a uniquely humiliating position for many groupies to find themselves in.”

As of press time, no members of Former Oracles had told the bassist yet.

Therapist Reassures Patient It Completely Normal for Loser Like Him to Feel That Way

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

NEW YORK — Local therapist Dr. Lauren Mitchell reassured her patient Monday that it is completely normal for a loser like him to feel the way that he does, sources confirmed.

“It makes perfect sense. His thoughts and emotions are entirely consistent with who he is,” Mitchell said gently, after her patient described his persistent loneliness and depression. “When you take into account your looks, social status, history of underachievement, terrible personality, and complete lack of any redeeming qualities, these thoughts are not only understandable, they’re expected for someone like you. You can’t expect to not feel worthless if you have no worth.”

The patient, 32-year-old Ryan Harlan, said the session was helpful in providing clarity around his emotional state.

“It was nice to have my feelings validated,” Harlan said. “I always thought there was something wrong with me, but she was able to explain that what I am feeling is completely normal, and I should be feeling this way given how what a piece of shit I am, the kind of a burden I’ve been to anyone who has ever known me, and how much better off I would be if I weren’t around anymore. She was even able to articulate flaws and patterns I didn’t even know I had, including a few things I honestly thought were just bad luck or out of my control and had nothing to do with who I was as a person.”

Experts in clinical psychology note that such approaches reflect a broader shift in how therapists engage with patients.

“Modern therapeutic practices emphasize meeting patients where they are, rather than where they might prefer to see themselves,” said clinical psychologist Dr. Aaron Feld. “In many cases, that involves acknowledging the full scope of how much of a fucking loser they really are. Recognizing how closely a patient’s emotional state aligns with how the rest of the world sees them can provide a clearer understanding of why those feelings persist over time, without introducing false hope or unnecessary reassurance when they clearly don’t deserve it.”

At press time, Mitchell was reportedly preparing to help Harlan further explore how what he liked, his taste in entertainment, the way he talked, and even the way he looked just sitting there made everyone hate him, and how that will continue to shape his emotional experiences moving forward.