Tech Startup Aims To Disrupt Humanity’s Concept of a Happy and Fulfilling Life

Posted on by Ryan Darrah

PALO ALTO, Calif. — Tech startup Optium will soon launch an app that aims to disrupt humanity’s concept of a happy and fulfilling life by conditioning users to regard their daily doomscroll as an instrumental component of a meaningful existence, according to leaked company documents.

“For too long, the demands of work, family and friendship have interfered with people’s quest for fulfillment,” said Optium CEO Kai Fattum. “But our BlitheHack App is equipped with intuitive AI that can curate user experiences so that no one will ever again feel empty and regretful after spending 95% of their waking hours swiping through nothing but AI-generated content, targeted ads, and social media comments through their VR headsets. As humans, we need purpose and more importantly, digital purpose. To doomscroll is to live.”

Beta-tester and adjunct professor of philosophy Dr. Nolan Mims claims that BlitheHack’s algorithm peppers clichés from the world of positive psychology into users’ feeds to intensify dopamine hits, especially when users engage with rage bait posted by loser incels blasting out content from their parents’ basement.

“I’m generally dubious when some tech startup trashes perennial truths about how to live a happy and noble life,” said Dr. Mims. “But given what the gutting of liberal arts education is doing to my job security, I’m going to hedge my bets and say that Optium won’t do any more damage to people’s sense of reality than what Meta or TikTok or X have already done. And who knows? Maybe Optium will float a six-figure salary to underemployed academics like me who are willing to suffer the indignity of having a pretentious job title like Chief Wellness Optimizer if the gig comes with health insurance.”

Tech stock expert Cody Brayden thinks the Optium app could be a sound investment. 

“Optium’s PR team makes a convincing case that their algorithm will adroitly exploit the psychological vulnerabilities of teens, and thus, their business model should be profitable for years to come,” said Brayden. “Whether the app can truly rewire users’ concept of happiness to the point that folks come to believe the insolent hottakes posted by the dregs of internet society are an enriching part of their day remains to be seen, but if Optium can monetize humanity’s growing aversion to the always perplexing and often arduous search for meaning and fulfillment, then investing in Optium is a true no-brainer.”

At press time, Professor Mims had yet to receive an interview after applying at Optium for the job of Assistant Curator of Digital Bliss.

Opinion: I’m Watching a Graphic Sex Scene on This Flight, and There Isn’t a Goddamn Thing Any of You Can Do About It

Posted on by RJ Atkinson

Well, well, well. The gang’s all here. And by “the gang,” I mean me, this awesome sex scene, and everyone else on the plane. That’s right, we’re floating perilously 30,000 feet above the earth, which means there is a 0% chance any of you are stopping me from getting aroused as I nurse my ginger ale.

I mean, if you’ve got a problem with it, you’re more than welcome to leave. Oh, wait, you can’t. Because we’re screaming through the troposphere at 500 MPH. I mean, you could always ask the people in the emergency exit row if they can help you open the doors. The flight attendants made them promise they would before they sat down. And while that’s a binding legal agreement, I don’t expect any of them to honor it. 

Speaking of legalities, I challenge any of you to try to take my laptop by force. I’ll film it, put it on the internet, and make it seem like YOU’RE the unruly passenger. Then I’ll sue, and we’ll have to play the sex scene in court. Forcing you to watch it all over again, but this time as I take all your money. 

And besides, if HBO didn’t want anybody watching these scenes on a flight, they would have added a warning. So as far as I’m concerned, I’m watching these scenes exactly as the creators intended, and helping them carry out their artistic vision. So let’s face it. You’re fucked. Just like all the people in the sex scene currently blaring through my gigantic 18-inch laptop screen.  

And to those of you wondering why I can’t just wait until I get to my hotel room to watch Caligula, I’d like to say, “Good question. Fuck you.” Because I paid for this flight. And I’ll be damned if I’m inconvenienced for any amount of time by anyone for any reason. 

Go ahead, tell yourself you’re going to do something about this. Sure, just as soon as we touch ground, you’re going to figure out which part of the airport handles passenger conduct complaints and march straight there and give them a piece of your mind! Cut to, we land, and you get up, and the blood rushes to your legs, and your ears pop, and you’re tired, and you’re at the airport, and all you want to do is get the fuck out of there. 

By the time you get your bag, you won’t even be sure if I was real. Trust me, I’ve been doing this a long time. And I’ll be doing it longer still. Now, are you gonna keep whinnying about it, or are you gonna sit down and watch Malcolm McDowell get his fuck on? 

New Aaron Lewis Album Crowdsourced From r/Conservative

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

WORTHINGTON, Mass. — Country musician and patriot cosplayer Aaron Lewis admitted this week that he crowdsourced his new album, “I’m Not Racist, You Are,” from the popular right-wing subreddit r/Conservative, impotent rage-fueled sources confirmed.

“Yeah, it’s true. I used it as a source of inspiration for my new album,” said Lewis, strumming an American flag guitar. “I didn’t have time to write a record by myself because I was too busy catching up on my Daily Wire podcasts. And let’s be honest — r/Conservative is chocked full of real American values like the right to bear arms in a Starbucks but not during a protest, freedom of speech except when you disagree politically, and AI images of Jesus wearing a MAGA hat.”

Longtime Lewis fan Ken Hammond defended the musician’s decision to borrow from the subreddit.

“Apparently, I gotta stand with Aaron on this one,” asserted Hammond. “Initially, I wasn’t sure how to feel about the issue, but r/Conservative convinced me which side to take. For example, I was fully against that mask-wearing shit in 2020 because masks were killing us with our own recycled oxygen. But thanks to that sub, now I understand that they’re life-saving tools for law enforcement. Similarly, I supported the Second Amendment by bringing my AR-15 to every protest I ever went to, but after Minneapolis I see that guns are fuckin’ dangerous and were clearly the problem all along.”

Political scientist Chris Soochey discussed how the subreddit is a soothing echo chamber for conservatives.

“American conservatives are a truly fascinating bunch,” observed Soochey. “They currently control all three branches of government, and yet they’re still unhappy. The reason is that they have a collective persecution complex, making them inherently miserable people who are incapable of experiencing joy. Naturally, the closest thing to happiness they’ll ever get is logging onto r/Conservative to celebrate the administration’s gleeful cruelty and unbridled hatefulness in a hall-of-mirrors circlejerk. Similarly, conservatives’ abhorrence towards the humanities is causing a lack of media literacy, so it’s no wonder they like ‘Star Wars’ but took the wrong message from Emperor Palpapine saying, ‘Let the hate flow through you.’”

At press time, Lewis clarified that his decision was either a brilliant songwriting shortcut or a Democrat hoax, depending on which option is the better narrative.

Centrist Historian Claims Death Toll at Auschwitz Could’ve Been Mitigated if SS Guards Had Better Training 

Posted on by Ryan Darrah

WASHINGTON — Centrist historian Milt DeWalt claimed that opponents of the Nazis should have been willing to reach across the ideological aisle to ensure that guards at Auschwitz received better training, confirmed sources. 

“My concern is that the ‘Never Again’ lens for thinking about the Holocaust ignores the fact that a few simple tweaks to SS guard training protocols could’ve triggered an incrementalist solution,” said Professor DeWalt. “Radical elements of the Nazi Resistance petulantly demanded Rohr full liberation of all concentration camps, but my research suggests they should have sought out compromise. Persuading the Führer to invest in commonsense reforms would’ve forced SS guards to adhere to best practices in prison camp sanitation and typhus abatement. If that era’s moralistic fanatics got out of the way, sensible centrists could’ve found common ground with Himmler and Hitler and a problem-solvers caucus could have emerged to rein in some of the Nazi’s worst atrocities.”

Seth Cowann, a former aide to New York Senator Chuck Schumer and current Domestic Policy Fellow at the center-left Third Way think tank, defended DeWalt’s moderate take on lessons to glean from Holocaust studies.

“Our Third Way mission is to boost the kind of scholarship that polls favorably with the Beltway elite,” said Cowann. “While giving more money to Nazi guards would likely have seemed counterintuitive to opponents of fascism during the World War II era, creative consensus builders of the 21st century understand that outside-the-box thinking may have increased worker productivity at forced-labor camps while also slightly mitigating the mass slaughter of innocents at death camps.”

Holocaust scholar and human rights activist Norm Fierstein blasted DeWalt’s revisionist history. 

“Sadly, this type of lazy reasoning and hollow grandstanding can get you a column in The Atlantic or The New York Times,” said Fierstein. “So perhaps this centrist historian is just a worthless sellout and not truly the kind of milquetoast moderate who truly believes the mealy-mouthed bullshit he espouses. But whether it’s in a reexamination of Nazi thugs carrying out a genocide or in contemporary commentary on ICE goons violating people’s constitutional rights and murdering protestors, self-proclaimed ‘enlightened centrists’ always make fools of themselves by fetishizing an eagerness to compromise even when doing so makes them complicit in crimes against humanity.”

At press time, the centrist historian was booked to share his perspective on the podcasts of Steve Bannon and Gavin Newsom. 

Five Episodes of “Bill Nye the Science Guy” That Did Nothing To Prevent Me From Putting Dry Ice Directly on My Pubic Razor Burn

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Ow! Fuckshitfuck, that burns. People put ice on razor burn all the time, so I just figured dry ice would basically do the same thing, but, you know, better. I would’ve thought that all those science education shows that I watched growing up would have prepared me in some way for situations like this. Looks like I got burned in more ways than one, though, because here are five episodes of “Bill Nye the Science Guy” that didn’t do a goddamned thing in preventing me from applying this slab of dry ice directly onto my pubic razor burn.

  1. Season 1 Episode 11: “The Moon”

OK, cool, using a baseball diamond to illustrate the cycle of the moon is helpful if you want to learn more about space or whatever, but what if you just shaved your pubes because your best friend Samuel told you it makes your dick look bigger, but the razor you used wasn’t sharp enough, and you got razor burn? Where is the helpful visual metaphor explaining what should and should not be used to treat it? 

  1. Season 2 Episode 10: “Communication”

Learning how much the written word revolutionized the way human beings communicate is fascinating, and under normal circumstances, I would show more interest, but the razor burn is like, right at the base of my penis and creeping into my scrotum, so you can imagine how painful that is. I honestly think the burns from the dry ice are causing the skin to flake off, and I have no idea what to do.

  1. Season 3 Episode 12: “Marine Mammals”

Not to be weird, but can you take a look at this? What do you think, should I go to the hospital? At the very least, I should go to a MedExpress, right? I’m at a loss, but guess what I do know? The dolphin is a mammal, even though it lives underwater. Great. Sooooo helpful. Thanks, Bill Nye.

  1. Season 4 Episode 2: “Pollution Solutions”

What, so Bill Nye is saying I deserve this agony because I used aerosol shaving cream on my pubes? Good God, does he not have any empathy? I’m doubled over in pain, struggling to write this, and he apparently thinks it’s prudent to pass judgment because I’ve made some decisions that were environmentally destructive. Fuck you, Bill Nye. Fuck. You.

  1. Season 6 Episode 1: “Comets and Meteors”

Oh great, we’re back in space. Fantastic. This is really applicable to me and my inflamed dick and balls. You know how much better off I’d be if Bill Nye had released one episode entitled “Do Not Put the Dry Ice That Comes In Your ButcherBox Order Anywhere Near Your Pubic Region” and then decided to call it quits? Like, so much better off. I hope he feels awful for having taught me all that unhelpful bullshit instead.

Mirror in Venue Bathroom Fucking Useless

Posted on by Tyler Roland

LONG BEACH, Calif. — The mirror in the men’s bathroom of local venue Harlux is absolutely fucking useless, sources with arguably washed hands confirmed.

“Jeez, where do I start?” began patron Graham Frazer while washing his hands in the toilet since the faucet was broken. “The urinal was bad enough. I pissed on enough cigarette butts to line an aquarium. Sure, dives typically have every restroom surface covered in graffiti and STDs, but the scene stickers and grime are just caked on the mirror. I had to lick my fingers and rub out a circle to barely see myself, like a kid does with a foggy window. Not even Windex would make a dent on this mirror. On top of that there wasn’t any soap or paper towels. This whole restroom situation is barely functional.”

Fellow patron and habitual cocaine user Dane Kaiser had fewer criticisms for the subpar reflective surface available in the latrine.

“Oh, yeah, uh, there’s no problem here. I just used the little mirror I brought with me in my wallet!” Kaiser exclaimed while wiping his nose. “I really don’t care that there isn’t a big mirror, like, you just need to pretend to wash your hands in there, yeah? Mirrors are only good for one thing and that’s snortable drugs. Otherwise, they’re pretty useless.” 

Harlux owner and founder Gina Ricardo is adamant that her venue does not need a traditional mirror for the men’s restroom. 

“If you come to Harlux, you already know that you’re one of the best-looking motherfuckers in town. So why the hell would you need a mirror?!” Ricardo declared as she polished a beer glass. “If you need to look at yourself, you could probably check your reflection in the toilet water. Or maybe try the reflective part of the hand dryer that everyone keeps telling me is busted. Or just go to the fucking Ritz-Carlton and use their shitter if I’m not good enough for ya.”

At press time, Harlux’s men’s bathroom no longer had a mirror, which fell to the ground and shattered seconds after someone affixed the 2,198th sticker to its surface.

Moo Deng Offers Punch the Monkey Advice on Fame, Small Bump of Coke

Posted on by Dan Rice

JAPAN — Former child animal star Moo Deng the hippo paid a visit to the Ichikawa City Zoo yesterday to offer internet sensation Punch The Monkey advice on navigating the pitfalls of overnight success, as well as a small amount of cocaine, zookeepers have confirmed.

“I could hardly believe my eyes!” recounted zookeeper Shiro Kamiko. “I said to my assistant, ‘Oh my God, is that Moo Deng?!’ and she said, ‘Who?’ She’s a bit younger than me, but I showed her a picture, and she sort of remembered her. Anyway, he just strolled right past us, hopped into the monkey enclosure, and approached Punch with a swagger that seemed to say ‘So, you’re the new kid on the block, huh?” 

Footage of the meeting was shown to various animal language experts, including zoologist Agna Heinrich, who was able to shed some more detailed light on the animals’ discussion. 

“Notice here, when Moo Deng chortles and raises his front left paw slightly… that’s hippo talk for ‘You may be hot shit right now, kid, but it can all go away in the blink of an eye. Trust me, I’ve been there.’ And now, here this little grunt and shake Moo Deng is doing, in the animal world, this means ‘Look, the whole schtick you got going with the stuffie and the rejection, it’s cute, it plays at the heart strings, but it’s gonna get old fast. You need to have your next move on deck before that happens, maybe get a girlfriend monkey, maybe become best friends with a golden retriever, something!’ And now see here where Moo Deng takes out a little vial of cocaine and does a bump, and then offers the vial to Punch? That’s her way of offering Punch some cocaine.” 

A representative for Moo Deng offered the following statement to the media:

“As Deng’s celebrity status… winds down, she finds herself more interested in working behind the camera, so to speak. She has expressed interest in managing Punch’s career, and to my knowledge, the animals had a productive conversation. As for this alleged offer of cocaine, I’m sure it’s just a rumor that spun out of control, just like Moo Deng’s alleged instances of handler abuse, the luxury hotel suite she’s accused of destroying in Bangkok, and her on-again-off-again engagement to Ezra Miller.” 

At press time, Moo Deng had barricaded herself in her hotel room, blasting Rush at full volume and claiming to be in the middle of writing “the best fucking screenplay ever.” 

Billy Joel Reveals ‘Piano Man’ Is About a Revolting, Cronenberg-Esque Piano-Human Hybrid Driven by Primitive, Uncontrollable Impulses

Posted on by Steve Packosky

CENTRE ISLAND, N.Y. — Popular singer/songwriter Billy Joel revealed that his 1973 hit “Piano Man” is actually about a nightmarish creature resulting from a piano being fused with a human, sources report.

“Maybe I wasn’t clear enough with the lyrics, because people are getting the wrong idea about what this song is about,” said Joel before giving a live demonstration of the monster’s gait. “It’s not a fictionalized retelling of my experience working as a lounge singer in the Executive Room bar in Los Angeles in the early ‘70s. The song deals with a grown man being joined with a piano a la ‘The Fly,’ but more similar to David Cronenberg’s version, and the shocking, Eldritch horror that he would become. What would this being eat? How would it procreate, were it so inclined? These questions fascinated me, which ultimately culminated in this song. Frankly, I’m surprised it became so popular given how grotesque the subject matter is.”

Fan Zekia Cornell was taken aback by the revelation.

“Oh, wow, that’s what ‘Piano Man’ is about?” Cornell reacted. “I guess the ‘making love to his tonic and gin’ line makes a little bit more sense to me, now that I remember how horny Cronenberg’s version of ‘The Fly’ was. I’m going to have to start reading his song lyrics more closely going forward, because I would’ve expected more detailed descriptions of this guy experiencing the conjoining of his flesh with the wood and ivory of a piano, because that seems like it would be a painful and horrific experience, but I guess Billy Joel just decided to be more subtle about it. That’s why I’m such a fan of his, to be honest.”

Music historian Tom Burke has seen this before.

“A popular song being about Cronenberg creatures is actually a much more common phenomenon than you’d think,” Burke mused. “It gets boring for musicians to constantly write about romance or drug use, so they like to spice things up by conjuring tunes about awful, stomach-churning lab accidents to keep them engaged with their work. Simon & Garfunkel’s ‘The Boxer’ is about a man who became amalgamated to a cardboard box, and Elton John’s ‘Rocket Man’ deals with a NASA spacecraft becoming sentient after an employee accidentally gets melted into its fuselage, just to name a few examples.”

At press time, Joel revealed “The Longest Time” is actually about spending eternity being tortured in the pits of Hell.

That’s Weird: We Thought Our Friends Would Be More Envious of the Fact We Had an 11-Way With the Members of Reel Big Fish

Posted on by Stephen Bell

Reel Big Fish is, without a doubt, the greatest ska band that came about as a result of third-wave ska from the 90s. And I’m not just saying this because I had a debauched 11-way with all of the members of Reel Big Fish. But for some reason, when I told my friends about this encounter, they didn’t respond with envious disbelief. 

I mean a lot of people can say they skanked with Reel Big Fish, but they haven’t skanked the way I have. So you’d think that they’d be super envious and ask for more details, but instead, they had no idea what I was talking about. In fact, at first, they thought I was saying I had sex with some sort of fishing club. 

What’s even weirder is that they didn’t care to hear about every personal detail I learned about the band during this orgy. For example, did you know that Aaron Barrett’s pubic hair is also in the shape of mutton chops? Well, you do now! John Christianson also has three testicles. Or maybe it was just a hernia I discovered that he developed after blowing his trumpet too hard.

While describing how great it is having a tromboner give you a hand job because of their ability to work the slide, my friend decided to inform me that they had sex with Sting once. But who gives a shit about that? That’s just one guy, and I heard he’s a cop or something. But I had an entire horn section run train on me. Yet for some reason, she acted like fucking Sting is cooler than what I did, but it’s totally not.

I don’t know how anyone could look at their discography and not realize the sexual gods that these men are. Everything Sucks? Well, they all sucked me. Why Do They Rock So Hard? They were all super rock hard. Monkeys for Nothin’ and the Chimps for Free? Well, OK, I did have to sign an NDA denying any chimps or monkeys were involved with what we did. 

It is really unfortunate how these uncultured swine don’t understand how significant of an event this was. Now, if you excuse me, I’ve got to go because I’m late for a 311 way with the members of, well, take a guess. 

Bored Conservative Figures He’ll Go Back To Being Angry About Critical Race Theory Just for the Hell of It

Posted on by Steve Packosky

YOUNGSTOWN, Ohio — Local conservative Karl Stokes decided to go back to being angry about Critical Race Theory after realizing he doesn’t have much to complain about, sources report.

“I’ve concluded that I’m happiest when I’m uncontrollably angry. It just makes sense to me,” Stokes admitted. “When Biden was president, I could blame just about everything wrong in my life on him. However, now that Trump is back in office, times have never been better for conservative white men, which sucks because I have nothing to be distressed over. I figure I’ll just go back to being pissed off about CRT, which I vaguely remember being apoplectic over for like two weeks back in 2021 before moving onto being livid about a Black actress in ‘The Little Mermaid’ reboot. That’ll have to do until Sean Hannity gives us something new to get me infuriated.”

Stokes’ estranged daughter commented on the situation.

“Ugh, there’s a reason I’ve long since blocked my father on social media,” Vera Stokes sighed. “I mean, I could only take so much of his shared Candace Owens videos and misspelled posts blaming the latest school shooting on prayer being taken out of public schools, you know? I do remember that he was beside himself with rage over Critical Race Theory back when Tucker Carlson ran that story years ago, but he forgot about it so he could get angry about some trans swimmer winning a medal in a competition he otherwise wouldn’t have given a shit about. He may be mad about CRT again, but I can almost guarantee you he wouldn’t be able to define it.”

Psychologist Deandra Hopkins weighed in on Stokes’ mindset.

“Modern conservative thought is based entirely on persecution fantasies,” Hopkins provided. “This has obviously been fueled by Donald Trump in the past few years, but Fox News has done a really good job keeping its viewers engaged and enraged for decades at this point. With that being said, they were really scraping the bottom of the barrel when they raised the ire of their fans with that Critical Race Theory piece back in the early 2020s, and you can tell because of how quickly they jumped to some other hot button culture war issue. With the myriad topics Republicans have thrown temper tantrums over, I’m actually impressed this guy remembered CRT in the first place.”

At press time, Stokes was hoping NFL players would go back to kneeling during the National Anthem so he could get mad about it.