Help! My Therapist Claims There’s Not a Diagnostic Code for Repeatedly Listening to the Metallica Version of Whiskey in the Jar, So These Sessions Are Getting Really Expensive

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

Folks, am I ever in need of some serious help. I finally found the Holy Grail: an in-network therapist. And wouldn’t you know it? My condition of “I Can’t Stop Listening to the Metallica Version of Whiskey in the Jar” isn’t covered! 

Now, I know this isn’t a unique issue to have in these United States. We’ve all heard the stories. The man who wasn’t approved for chemo despite his stage 4 cancer diagnosis, the woman who was about to get surgery for breast cancer when her insurance called the doctor in the OR to cancel, and now me, a person who can’t stop listening to the Metallica version of Whiskey in the Jar. And because of this despicable lack of awareness, I’m expected to shell out $150 per therapy session.

Before we’re able to overhaul the United States healthcare system, we at least need the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders to accurately reflect the landscape of mental health struggles, so we can get our therapy covered by insurance. Homosexuality wasn’t removed as a disorder from the DSM until the ‘70s. This shows they can make a change with enough public pressure. It’s time we come together and force them to recognize this serious condition. Just the other day, I walked by a group of kids on their iPads. Except, they weren’t watching their typical brainrot YouTubers. They all had on an endless loop of the Metallica Whiskey in the Jar music video. That was when I realized this issue is bigger than just me.

But it’s also about me because I’m really broke, and $150 is a lot. I thought about going cold turkey, but the only thing that makes me feel better about my finances is listening to the Metallica version of Whiskey in the Jar. I did manage to find a job that lets you have one earbud in while working, but I just started going unevenly deaf because you can’t not put that song on full volume. I handed in my two weeks, and they said “We don’t do that here. This is a Waffle House. Please just leave.”

I don’t know what I’ll do until we make a change. All I know is that some men like a fishin’ and some men like the fowlin’. And some men like to hear, to hear the cannonball roarin’. Me, I like sleepin’. Especially soundly because I haven’t just sent all of my money to Cheryl Grisham, LMFT.

Festival-Goers Not Sure Whether Bluegrass Band From Appalachians or Brooklyn

Posted on by Jason Clemence

BURLINGTON, Vt. — Local attendees at the Champlain Americana Festival struggled to determine whether bluegrass quintet Green Label Blues hailed from deep in the Appalachian Mountains or from Brooklyn, confirmed sources who “could really go either way on this one.”

“On the one hand, these guys definitely know their stuff. I mean, no wonder they got a headlining slot, they’re crushing it up there,” said audience member Stellan Wright. “And the banjo player [Christine O’Neil] is playing faster than that kid in ‘Deliverance.’ No way she learned that anywhere outside of West Virginia. On the other hand, I’m pretty sure the guitarist [Adam Wolfe] is wearing American Apparel jeans, so that definitely makes you wonder. And is that a pack of cigarettes rolled into his sleeve? That’s a bit much. My biggest suspicion came during the jug solo. It was sick, but the guy used a Carlo Rossi bottle; no way that thing’s ever seen a drop of real moonshine. There’s a good chance it’s just hipsters cosplaying as hillbillies.”

Green Mountain Blues’ tour manager Buck Freehold was unable to shed any light on the matter.

“I couldn’t care less where these guys are from,” Freehold said while adjusting his bolo tie. “I saw them play a little bar in Utica last year and, even though I don’t have any experience in the music industry, I convinced them to let me be their manager. They’re as naive as the day is long; I mean, I somehow manage to get a 50% cut of everything they make, and they don’t bat an eye. They get mainstage gigs at festivals, move a ton of merch, and usually don’t make a mess when they spit their tobacco juice, so who gives a shit where they started out? That being said, I actually think they’re from rural Oregon. Or maybe Silver Lake. And yet I think they have Midwestern accents. Your guess is as good as mine.”

Music-Ethnocologist Dr. Mary Hartwell confirmed that most fans have a hard time appreciating bands if they can’t identify where they’re from. 

“As my last peer-reviewed article explains, Geographic Poserism is very real,” Hartwell explained. “Back in the late ‘80s, you could be playing death metal on par with ‘Altars of Madness,’ but if you weren’t from the greater Tampa area, you might as well have been doing Poison covers. If you want to succeed in a niche genre, your zip code is a lot more important than your songwriting.”

At press time, the mystery persisted as Wright realized that the band’s percussionist [Bill “Scooter” McGraw] was playing an actual drum kit instead of a washboard.

DHS Agent Spying on Reddit Can’t Resist Chiming in on ‘The Golden Bachelor’ Discussion

Posted on by Tim Graham

WASHINGTON — Some Homeland Security agents tasked with monitoring Reddit discussions have a difficult time not commenting, sources within the department confirm.

“This might come as a surprise to some people, but DHS monitors everything that is said and done online, especially when it comes to reality television dating series commentary,” said agent Wilson Beringer. “In the interest of national security and all that, I was assigned to the Reddit beat a few years ago, figuring it would be an easy gig. However, one of the subs they put me on was ‘The Golden Bachelor.’ We’re supposed to maintain a professional distance, but sometimes the users’ takes are so wrong that I have no choice but to fire back. Last week some idiot was saying that Mel and Peg were a bad match! I just had let this person know what an utter moron they were, though I probably shouldn’t have had my full name along with ‘Official DHS Agent’ as my username. I’m in deep now.”

Fellow agent Denise Spalding, who monitors the main “Game of Thrones” subreddit, also has trouble staying out of the fray.

“That sub is full of wild speculation on how ‘A Song of Ice and Fire’ will play out—if it’s ever finished, that is,” said Spalding. “Sometimes I’ll weigh in with a comment about what I think will happen. The thing is, I actually know how it will end because I’m also in charge of monitoring George R. R. Martin himself. He writes on an antiquated word processor, which I can’t access remotely. However, I am able to get into his home security cameras and I’ve taken screenshots of his whiteboard. Wait until those idiot redditors find out I was right about Hot Pie becoming the King of the Seven Kingdoms—not Bran.”

Government watchdogs like the Electronic Freedom Foundation have been warning about the impending surveillance state for decades.

“Certain federal agencies have always done a bit of domestic spying, but 9/11 and the PATRIOT Act really kicked it into overdrive,” said Peggy Fleming of the EFF. “Now law-abiding citizens aren’t even able to engage in conversations about their favorite movies and shows online without the government watching—and in some cases actively participating. Social media is crawling with feds trying to influence discourse. I can’t prove it just yet, but I’m convinced I was arguing with a federal agent about the end of ‘Bugonia’ the other day on Instagram.”

At press time, agent Wilson had been put on paid leave after he swatted a Reddit user who accused Golden Bachelor Mel of being a narcissist.

Aging Scorpions Singer Now Only Able To Rock You Like a Severe Tropical Storm

Posted on by Steve Packosky

HANOVER, Germany — Klaus Meine, longtime frontman of the popular hard rock band Scorpions, announced that he is now only able to rock you like a severe tropical storm, distressed sources confirm.

“I’m getting along in years, and a severe tropical storm is the best I can do,” Meine said sheepishly. “I had the best years of my life rocking you like a hurricane, but I’m almost 80 at this point. I hate to disappoint our fans, but I’ve been in this band since 1969. There are countless hours of video evidence of audiences being rocked by my cyclone-esque performances all over the world. People are just going to have to turn to those if they’re in the mood to be rocked to that designated level of preference, and cut me some slack if they come out to any upcoming Scorpions concerts.”

Scorpions guitarist Rudolf Schenker empathized with his friend’s plight.

“People don’t understand how difficult it is to keep our rocking at hurricane levels of magnitude, night after night, for decades on end,” Schenker explained. “Sure, when we released that song in 1984, we were in our mid-30s and fully capable of keeping up that kind of intensity, but the rock and roll lifestyle can wear down on you with time. I support Klaus in his plight, and will be right next to him on stage as he bravely rocks our audiences to a level that hasn’t quite reached the power necessary to register on the Saffir Simpson Hurricane Wind Scale, and I hope our listeners are open-minded enough to understand that he’s trying his best.”

Scorpions fan Ben Colefield was enraged at the news.

“Is he fucking kidding me?” Colefield spat. “I own every Scorpions album, and pay top dollar to see them every time they play Chicago, and this is how they repay me? It was one thing when they stopped playing ‘Sails of Charon’ live, because you can’t have anyone but Uli Jon Roth playing that killer intro solo, but the least they can do is play their hits like they always have. Their ticket prices better reflect the fact that they’re no longer going to be rocking me to a degree akin to that of Andrew hitting Dade County in 1992, or I won’t be in attendance.”

At press time, the band had announced they would now be playing “Breeze of Change” at their live shows.

Here Are Some Bass Tips if You Haven’t Yet Figured Out That You Can Just Play Anything

Posted on by Steve Packosky

The bass guitar can be astonishingly difficult and rewarding if you want to learn how to play it correctly, but why would you want to do that? Sure, you can take the time to develop an actual skill with the instrument after years of lessons from an accomplished instructor, but to what end? Seriously, just pick it up, join a band, and play anything. We guarantee you’ll get away with it. Still determined to master it? Fine, whatever. Here are five tips to help you do that, weirdo.

  1. Pay attention to your right hand’s positioning.

If your right hand is placed over the bridge, the notes will have a tighter sound to them, whereas if it’s closer to the fretboard, they’ll be richer and fuller but a little less precise. Knowing the right times to position your hand will give your songs much more texture if, like, Victor Wooten is listening, but nobody else will give a shit. Go ahead and store this information in your brain, but honestly, just hit any note while your bandmates do their thing. We promise you they won’t notice either way.

  1. Learn basic fingerstyle technique.

Ugh, please don’t tell us you’re going to do this, dude. Just use a fucking pick. Really? You want to learn fingerstyle? Alright, well, plant your thumb on the pickup and alternate plucking the strings with your index and middle fingers. To be perfectly candid, though, you’re wasting our time as much as your own by having us teach you this, and we’re starting to get a little aggravated.

  1. Tap your foot along to the drums as you play.

Yeah, go ahead and do this if you want to learn to stay in time and ensure your band has a dynamic and cohesive rhythm section, or you can do it if you want to just make it look like that’s your endgame. We advocate for the latter. Remember, appearance is everything here, because, and we can’t stress this enough, it does NOT matter what you play.

  1. Learn music theory.

No, no, no, no. Alright, do us a favor. During the first song of your band’s next practice, we want you to just mime like you’re playing your bass. Don’t play a single note. We’ll bet every dollar in our bank accounts that they won’t notice a goddamn thing. Knowing this, you’re still going to tell us that you want to read a bunch of sheet music? Fucking nerd.

  1. Develop your signature sound.

We actually laughed out loud while typing that. Sure, waste your money on a good effects pedal with a compressor, equalizer, and overdrive, or don’t, and achieve effectively the same results, only then you can buy yourself a Switch 2 or something. We’re just making recommendations, though. It’s your money.

Continuity Errors Ruining Porn Scene for Letterboxd User

Posted on by Frederick O'Brien

BOSTON — Undergraduate film student and frequent Letterboxd user Barry Cospin had his afternoon ruined after noticing a slew of continuity errors in an otherwise perfectly good porn film he was watching, confirmed sources.

“It’s just amateurish,” said Cospin while giving a handful of two-star reviews on Letterboxd. “You of course allow for some suspension of disbelief given the genre but the mistakes here are unforgivable. The time on the clock in the headmaster’s office jumps all over the place. In one shot Elaine Knockers is wearing stockings and in the next they’re gone. It totally breaks the immersion. Stellar performances by Ms. Knockers and the ever-reliable Tom Schlong are let down by the production team.”

Members of the production hit back at Cospin’s comments, calling them overly critical and damaging to smut cinema.

“People don’t appreciate the work that goes into making a film. ‘Bad, Bad Girl’ had been in production hell for years before we took it on, because we believed in what it was trying to say,” said director Sly V. Oyeur. “We put our blood, sweat, tears, and several other bodily fluids into this work. Any schmuck can write a bad review but believe you me they wouldn’t last a day in my shoes. I’ve seen things you wouldn’t believe. No really. It isn’t easy on set, especially with the writers’ strike going on for as long as the industry has existed.”

Representatives of the Porn Writers Guild of America noted that this is what happens when you don’t compensate workers properly.

“It’s all fun and games when clothes are a-flying and desks are a-thumping but the reality is you can’t cut corners in this business and expect to get away with it,” said industry veteran Polly Whirl. “Fans are smart, and the eagle-eyed ones will catch the tiniest inconsistencies. That’s why you need top quality continuity directors on set and experienced editors behind the scenes. Otherwise you wind up with garbage like this. The horndog public deserves better.”

At press time, Cospin submitted his Letterboxd review and moved on to OnlyFans in search of more independent filmmaking.

How to Speedrun Your Panic Attack With Cold Brew and Old Weed

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

Alright, my panicked pals, LOCK IN because it’s time to learn a panic attack hack that your therapist and psychiatrist don’t want you to know. Do they have valid reasons because it’s probably bad for your mental health in the long run and also medically inadvisable? Sure, but we’re not living in some utopia where we can actually get our prescriptions filled in a timely manner and breathing techniques actually work because the worst thing about our day is some light traffic. We live in a world of death and destruction, and that sometimes calls for the Send It option. I’m going to teach you how to speedrun your panic attack using cold brew and old weed so you can get it over and done with in time for Love Island.

Listen, we’d all love it if there were some quick hack for actually stopping a panic attack other than a big ass Xanax, but whether CVS rudely told you it’s too soon to refill your prescription or you’re off it because you were way too on it, chamomile and breathwork aren’t cutting it. Sometimes the best bet is to just go max anxiety to get it over with faster.

You’re going to want the most concentrated cold brew you can find with no ice and no sugar. The goal is not enjoyability; it’s to make yourself have so much anxiety you circle back around to not caring. Next, you’re going to find some old weed you forgot was in the back of your nightstand. No, don’t use the fresh shit you just picked up. That’s for your ‘me time’ later. Right now, we’re trying to knock on the door of mild psychosis. Chug the cold brew, light up the old weed, and pull up “Clown Quartet” on YouTube for good measure. Sure, you increase your risk of a heart attack, but technically that would also bring relief.

You’ve got this. You’ll be so anxious you transcend space and time and enter The Blissful Unknowing in no time.

Best of luck, and please do not blame me if you end up in the hospital.

Metallica Finally Track Down and Sue the Bootlegger Who Sold Beavis His Shirt

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LOS ANGELES — Heavy metal band Metallica proudly announced that they have finally tracked down and sued the bootlegger who sold Beavis from “Beavis and Butt-Head” his signature blue shirt, disgusted sources report.

“It took over three decades, but we finally found the bastard,” said drummer Lars Ulrich. “I can’t tell you how much of a relief it was for me after all those years of seeing Beavis wearing a shirt I knew he did not obtain through legitimate means. Trust me, I sign off on every single t-shirt, jigsaw puzzle, pinball machine, and bottle of whiskey with the Metallica name on it, and we’ve never sold that item that Beavis has been wearing so brazenly while watching music videos from his couch. Rest easy that this selfish bootlegger who took money out of my pocket back in 1992 won’t be able to harm any more musicians.”

Highland, Texas resident bootlegger Harold Butler was distraught over the lawsuit.

“How am I going to make a living now?” Butler despaired as he read the cease and desist letter. “I’ve been selling bootleg Metallica, AC/DC, and Winger shirts since the early ‘90s, and the Metallica ones have composed 80% of my business. Nobody’s even purchased a Winger shirt in decades. I really should’ve known better than to think I could get away with selling fake Metallica shirts, but I thought living in an animated universe would keep me safe from those guys. They’ll sue anything that moves, though, so I suppose I got what I deserved.”

Sandra Ng, professor of law at University of Pittsburgh, weighed in on the situation.

“Most bands wouldn’t stoop so low as to sue a cartoon character, but come on, we’re talking about Metallica here,” Ng noted. “One only needs to listen to any of the albums they’ve put out in the past 30 years to understand that they have absolutely no shame. Honestly, I’m surprised Beavis continued to wear that shirt after the band released ‘Load,’ but then again, he doesn’t appear to listen to much music outside of the videos he watches with Butt-Head. Anyway, they’re so litigious that anyone who rips them off is at risk of legal action, regardless of whether they inhabit a fictional universe, so be warned.”

At press time, Metallica’s legal team had garnished all of Beavis’ Burger World wages until he stopped wearing the shirt.

The Five Most Delicious Venison Dishes I Made Out of That Antlered Kid From the Fall Out Boy Music Video

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Alright, I hope you’re hungry, because I went out hunting yesterday and put a Federal Premium 12-gauge 2 ¾ inch Magnum 00 Buck right between the eyes of this curious-looking fucker with big antlers. Caught a lot of shit from this girl near him, too. She was kneeling down near him and wailing about how I’m a “total monster” who “murdered her boyfriend” or something. Really put up a fuss while I hauled the carcass into my trunk, too, but whatever. She’ll be changing her tune once she tries one of these delicious venison dishes I prepared after cleaning and dressing him.

  1. Venison Stroganoff

The trick here was in cutting the meat into really thin strips before popping it into the slow cooker. It took a while, but was really worth it, and those egg noodles really brought out the kid’s natural flavors. You might give me flak for shooting him while he was strolling on a residential sidewalk, but I think that’s a bunch of beans. A deer’s a deer.

  1. Venison Pozole Rojo

I made full use of the neck on this one, and yeah, come to think of it, the lack of fur was kind of disconcerting. Weird things have been happening in this town since that train derailed and spilled all that ethanol in the creek, though, so maybe that’s it? Eh, I’m not going to lose sleep over it. The red chiles really gave this dish a delectable little kick.

  1. Venison Gyros

Yeah, now that you mention it, it was strange that this particular buck was bi-pedal. I’ve been hunting for over thirty years, and admittedly have never seen that before. I took an ethical shot though. Shouldn’t that count for something? Anyway, try these gyros I made from its rear portions. They’re really something, aren’t they?

  1. Venezuelan-Style Venison Tamales

I know these are more appropriate for fall or winter, but I just couldn’t resist the urge to make them from those great-looking shanks. Oh, you’re asking about the sweater and blue jeans this deer was wearing? I burned those. They seemed kind of extraneous, and I didn’t want them affecting the taste of the meat. Why are you looking at me like that?

  1. Fried Venison Backstrap with Currant Jam

Yes, the currant jam is homemade, too! Fried cornmeal with venison is such an underrated combination, and—wait, why are the cops here? Do you think they heard how good my venison cooking skills are, and they came to sample some for themselves? That’s probably it. I’ll go answer the door.

Woman on Boyfriend’s Shoulders Really Fucking Everyone Up in Pit

Posted on by Bobby Korec

MODESTO, Calif. — A local woman on her boyfriend’s shoulders was really wreaking havoc in the pit at a recent punk show, confirmed primarily unconscious sources. 

“Someone is really going to get hurt in here,” said mosher Vinny Frederick while tending to his fractured jaw. “I guess when someone’s feet are dangling that close to Adam’s apple level it can really do some serious damage. Spin kicks, roundhouses, and windmills are feeble compared to this man-woman amalgamation, who was nothing but a violent 10-foot-tall tornado of swinging appendages. I saw one guy passed out in a pool of his own blood. Another guy lost several teeth on a single kick. Oh, and someone else was brutally murdered as a result, but that’s actually pretty standard in the pit, so no harm, no foul there.” 

Gwendolyn Herman, the woman in question, didn’t quite see the unfair advantage she had.

“It’s not my fault I tower above the pit shorties,” said Herman while hopping down from her boyfriend’s shoulders as if she were dismounting a horse. “Turns out, some people in the pit had a real problem when I stood atop Craig’s shoulders and dove feet first directly into the back of some guy’s head. Or when Craig spun us around with his fists and my legs flailing about, like the Tasmanian Devil. Did 911 really have to be called? Sure, but mainly because of all the blood and broken bones. Let’s be real, there’s nothing that says I can’t do this.”

Experts were quick to check the pit etiquette rulebook on the matter.  

“All’s fair in love and moshing,” said Timothy “Shred Cakes” Baker. “For instance, crowdkilling is highly frowned upon, but not against pit policy. Brass knuckles are also legal in the pit, just not in every state, so check your local government regulations before equipping yourself at a show. Baseball bats, chainsaws, and semi-automatic weapons can also be good fun in the pit. But a woman on her boyfriend’s shoulders? It’s a tough call, but I’ll allow it.”  

At press time, things got even more savage when it was revealed that the couple was polyamorous and another woman got atop Herman’s shoulders, who was still very much on her boyfriend’s shoulders in the pit.

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