In Hindsight, I Regret Hiring This Pedal Pub as a Getaway Vehicle October 15, 2021 It really did seem like a good idea at the time. Admittedly I had had a few daiquiris then, so… Read More →
Report: Weird Puddle in Corner of Venue Still There October 13, 2021 BALTIMORE — Latest reports from staff and showgoers at historic venue The Crab Trap confirmed that the strange puddle of… Read More →
Stop Saying I’m in a Toxic Relationship. This Vat of Corrosive Acid Understands Me Better Than You Ever Could October 10, 2021 First of all, its name is Jeremy. And second, I don’t care if it can literally melt my skin while… Read More →
Band Attempting To Buy Back Tour Van From Local Police Auction October 6, 2021 ALBANY, N.Y. — Members of crust funk band the Salt Garglers were desperately trying to repurchase their impounded econoline van… Read More →
Classic Rock Fan Undergoes Experimental Surgery To Have Girlfriend Permanently Grafted Onto Shoulders October 4, 2021 BALTIMORE — Surgeons at Johns Hopkins Medical Center recently performed the first successful procedure to physiologically affix classic rock fan… Read More →
Aging Punk Lies To Doctor To Make It Seem Like He’s Drinking More Than He Really Is October 2, 2021 SAINT PAUL, Minn. — 37-year-old punk Ronald “Buckets” Drearer grossly exaggerated how much alcohol he regularly consumes in order to… Read More →
Oh You’re a Gearhead? Name Three Worthless Things You Squandered Your Kid’s College Fund On September 28, 2021 So you're a gearhead, huh? You think you’ve got a sweet gear collection? Alright, if you’re so sure of yourself,… Read More →
Unclear Whether or Not Punk’s Nickname Intended to be Insult September 22, 2021 DENVER — Local punk John Hesslip’s scene-approved nickname of Slop Boy continues to baffle others in the scene who are… Read More →
I Get High With a Little Help From My Friends and a Lot of Help From These Pills I Stole From My Sister’s Purse September 15, 2021 Man, you guys are great. Seriously, I can’t remember the last time I had such a great — oh look,… Read More →
How To Get More Acid When the Golden Gopher Who Defends the Moon Gate Won’t Let You Speak With the Prince of Stars September 10, 2021 So, it’s all come down to this. Right at the peak of your trip, and just on the cusp of… Read More →