CHICAGO — A poll of citizens leaving a nondescript brick building today gave no new information on which to gauge election results, but instead revealed…
Mindfulness meditation, the practice of remaining present and aware in the moment, has been sweeping America as 2020 only seemed to get worse and worse.…
IRVINE, Calif. — Fastidious and strict Irvine Public High School Principal Gene Jensen was assaulted at work yesterday by the hair metal band Goldenrod while…
I have always been sensitive to the emotions of people around me. When a baby cries, I cry. When someone is hurt, I hurt. When…
For generations, scientists have attempted to assess the intelligence of chimpanzees. We have discovered they are able to use tools, communicate via sign language, and…
BURBANK, Cali. — A protest was held outside Disney headquarters earlier this week by the organization Kids of Two Loving Parents (KoTLP) demanding that the…
SEATTLE — Local guitarist Sadie Love swore today that her new button maker will be well worth the startup cost once she hits her break-even…
What did you just say to me? Why don’t you come over here and say that shit, mother fucker?! Yeah, I didn’t think you, so…
VENICE, Calif. — Punk rock was granted near-full custody today of seminal punk/metal band Suicidal Tendencies, with Metal receiving alternating weekends and some holidays, in…
ALBANY, N.Y. — Local single Tomas Hart was stunned to learn yesterday that Marianne Shaw, a goth woman with whom he’s shared three dates, stood…
FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. — Clint Herrera, the songwriter and lead singer for local punk band Dios Muerte, frantically tried to close a Rhymezone browser tab yesterday…
CHICAGO — Local metal fan Tracy O’Brien attempted to use the popular music identification app Shazam today to identify a death metal song while in…
It’s 1 a.m., the party is winding down, most of your real friends have left, and there are just a few stragglers hanging around your…
Hey everyone! I just heard the Walmart over on Chestnut fired some employees because they were talking about unionizing so now they’re picketing outside. I…
THE GHOST NEBULA — While battling the warrior race, The Zardecks, experts on the Spaceship Baychimo, warn that the ship’s shields have dropped to 30%…