Trump Offers Ambassadorship Position to Security Guard Who Licks Sarah Connor’s Face in ‘Terminator 2: Judgment Day’

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LOS ANGELES — President Donald Trump offered the position of Ambassador to Paraguay to Douglas Smith, the security guard seen licking Sarah Connor’s face as she lay strapped to a bed in 1992’s “Terminator 2: Judgment Day,” disgusted sources report.

“This man clearly embodies everything MAGA stands for,” said Trump. “And he’s a great man. A big, strong man. You know, we don’t really see big, strong men like him anymore. It’s a shame, really, because you can see how much he cares for women, and people have come up to me, saying they love how he cares for women, and now he’s the ambassador to Paraguay, which is nice. You know we never got that with Biden or Barack Hussein Obama, do you? Everything had to be woke, with transgender for everybody. Now America is back, and everyone is jealous of us.”

Smith was taken aback by the job offer.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered and will absolutely accept the job,” Smith said. “It’s just that I’m not really sure what the Ambassador to Paraguay even does. Wouldn’t I need to know how to speak Spanish? Oh well. I guess I’ll just trust Donald Trump’s faith in me, and know that I can definitely do the job if he says I can. I’m a huge fan of his, and actually look to him as a role model on how to treat women. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but I’m something of a ladies’ man myself, and everything I learned on the subject came from observing him.”

Political scientist Shanice Cranberry has seen this before.

“Donald Trump has obviously been losing control of his faculties, and we see that with him offering important roles to notable creeps from cinema,” Cranberry offered. “He also wants to give the Ambassador to Egypt position to the child catcher from ‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang,’ and he once tried to give Johnny 23 from ‘Con Air’ the position of Secretary of Agriculture before learning the character died in the movie. One would have thought that the line between fiction and reality would at least be an obstacle in him finding absolute nightmare humans to serve in his administration, but that is absolutely not the case.”

At press time, Trump was also pondering offering a position to the T-800 Terminator, but only if it was the evil model from the original movie.

Call Me A Conspiracy Theorist, But I’m Beginning to Think That They Never Cared About Making Eggs Cheaper

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

I don’t mean to align myself with the rabble of conspiracy theorists and blithering malcontents filling up your feed and detracting from the quality of your doomscrolling. It’s bad enough that we have throngs of people who were willing to shoot up a pizza parlor ten years ago at the mere thought of child trafficking who will now pick up a gun and actively defend a known cabal of rich pedophiles. But I keep looking at the signs, reading between the lines, seeing the messaging within the messaging, and I’ve noticed an unignorable thread — I don’t think that Republican leadership ever cared about making eggs cheaper.

I’ve spent countless hours away from my family poring over innumerable documents and articles. I even have a massive wall in my home bedaubed with pictures and newspaper clippings connected by red strings, linking people and events to one another. They all call me crazy, but I know what I see. I know what they’re trying to hide from us with their cunning trickery. My friends say that I’m losing my grip on reality. I’m losing sleep. I barely eat, and when I do, it’s not like I can afford eggs like I was promised.

So here it is, and this is just spit balling here, but it seems to me like the promise of cheaper eggs, groceries, and day to day life was some rather ingenious sleight of hand that the conservative elite used to shoehorn their party back into power while disguising their true intentions of cultivating a latter-day dictatorship propagated by state sponsored media that’s emboldened due to corporate hegemony being indistinguishable from policy. All the while, this whole charade of governance is being utilized as a thinly worn veneer for advancing a pseudo-theocratic ethnostate benefiting only the wealthiest contributors to the regime that fosters a society that’s closer to an open-air prison or a pyramid scheme than an actual country. One where all money flows to the top, while all of those who actually produce the value of their labor are systematically separated from reaping the benefits of said labor under pain of death from law enforcement officials.So, even though I can’t rightly prove that they never cared about making eggs cheaper, I’m not going to give up. I just know I’m on to something. Hell, if I didn’t know any better, I would say that despite their staunch pro-life stance, republicans don’t care about the average person at all.

Donald Trump to Guest on “Celebrity To Catch a Predator”

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — Long-running pedophile sting show “To Catch a Predator” will be returning to the air next with a special new celebrity edition, headlined by none other than President Donald Trump, sources at NBC confirm. 

“I’m very happy to announce I will be returning to NBC, primetime baby!” bragged the President to reporters when asked about his rumored cameo. “NBC, I tell ya, they love Trump over there! I get a call from one of their bigwigs, he says to me ‘Mr. President, you’re going to be on one of our programs.’ Didn’t ask me, told me! You gotta respect that. I told him, ‘I don’t know if I’ll have time, I’m the president, I’m a busy guy,’ he says, ‘We already filmed it. These TV people, they’re incredible, aren’t they? The way they work. If Biden worked half as hard as they do, the country wouldn’t be in so much trouble today, I can tell you that. Anyway, I don’t know what it is, I’m sure it won’t be as good as “The Apprentice”, but check it out!” 

Longtime “To Catch a Predator” host Chris Hansen had more to say on the President’s involvement, and the inception of the celebrity-focused reboot of the police sting reality series. 

“We had absolutely no intention of doing a celebrity edition; we just set up shop to do a straight-ahead new season of the show the same way we’ve always done. Then, the president of the United States shows up with a 4-pack of wine coolers for what he believes to be a 15-year-old girl named Maxine. After that, Kevin Spacey rings the bell, all excited to take polaroids of the teen boy he met online. Then it was Steve Bannon, Bill Cosby, Mark Zuckerberg, just a cavalcade of stars, and that’s just to name a few! It’s deeply upsetting, but hey, play the hand you’re dealt, I guess. Celebrity To Catch a Predator, Fridays at nine.”

Special Victims officer Emanuelle Cortez gave insight as to how the show managed to snag a guest as high-profile as Donald Trump. 

“Well, we went onto the same dark web message boards we used in the past, actually, I was showing a trainee how to do it, so I wrote this very basic, obviously fake post. ‘DTF underage girl. Loves disgusting old men. White.’ I think that’s all it said. I don’t know how, but the president was here within minutes. We were unable to arrest him due to the fact that he is a key figure in a much larger criminal investigation at this time. 

Recently leaked internal memos from NBC show that Elon Musk tried desperately to get on the show but was ultimately turned down. 

William H. Macy Insists Way More People Would Have Died on 9/11 if He Had Been on That Plane

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

LOS ANGELES — Actor William H. Macy insisted that, unlike his “Boogie Nights” costar Mark Wahlberg, had he been aboard one of the hijacked planes on September 11, 2001, the death toll would have been significantly higher, confirmed sources.

“I can tell you right now, if I had been on that plane, no one would have made it out alive,” said Macy. “I mean, what was I going to do? Take control of the cockpit? I’d have spent the whole flight sweating through my shirt and stammering for a drink. Or worse yet, I probably would accidentally overpower the hijackers through some farcical turn of events, only to then fail to stick the landing and ironically knock out several more skyscrapers along the way. If it weren’t for me not being on that plane that day, we would’ve had a much more tragic 9/11. You’re welcome.”

TSA agents who have worked with Macy at Los Angeles International Airport (LAX) confirmed that the actor’s presence in high-stress situations often induces more chaos than calm.

“Oh yeah, the shovel guy from ‘Mystery Men.’ I’ve seen him before. The guy is a walking panic attack,” said TSA agent Linda Rodriguez, who asked not to be named for fear of reprisal. “One time, he accidentally set off his own metal detector because he was so nervous about putting his belt back on. Can you imagine him facing down terrorists? Hell, if Al Qaeda met this guy, they probably would feel so bad about how pathetic he is they’d just give up on fighting ‘The Great Satan’ all together.”

Dr. Jennifer Klein, a Hollywood psychologist specializing in celebrity behavior, explained that Macy is actually an outlier in egotistical movie stars.

“Everyone picks on Marky Mark for this one, but the truth is the majority of celebrities fantasize about how if they were suddenly dropped into some great, historical tragedy, they’d be able to save the day,” explained Klein. “For instance, actor David Krumholtz once posted 30 tweets in less than an hour explaining how, if he were on the Titanic, he could have dropkicked the iceberg away from the boat.”

At press time, Macy is avoiding air travel and quietly preparing for his latest role in which he’ll be playing a sentient block of silken tofu.

Brave! Man Struggles To Sing Both Eddie Vedder and Chris Cornell Parts of “Hunger Strike”

Posted on by Kyle Donley

Seattle may have been the grunge capital of the world back in the ‘90s, but this Tuesday morning, Rockford, Illinois resident Carl Prather will be attempting the unthinkable feat of handling both Eddie Vedder’s and Chris Cornell’s vocal duties on “Hunger Strike” during his morning commute to work.

For years, the 1991 anthem has served as the perfect singalong for men bonding during a camping trip or a friend’s funeral, the varied vocal melodies and countermelodies serving an embarrassment of riches for a chorus of beer-drunk voices to fumble, hum, and vamp their way through the emotionally raw paeans to partially chewed bread. Attempting the duet solo would surely require months of training with a ponytailed vocal coach and, at the very least, a few tallboys to gather the necessary courage. Prather will not have the luxury of either, explaining that he can’t really drink before work anymore due to an ongoing custody battle and that he doesn’t know what a vocal coach is.     

Critics fear the local refrigerator repairman may be punching above his weight, considering it took two Seattle grunge rock legends to record the original, and Prather only knows roughly 20% of the lyrics. Adding insult to injury, the only formal training Prather has is 7th-grade chorus, which he received a C- in. It’s hard to imagine how he could possibly capture the throaty baritone of Eddie Vedder and the four-octave range of Chris Cornell all in one single breath, but Prather remains unconcerned, telling us, “Who gives a shit, I’m just driving to work. No one else will even be in the car. Just let me do this, ok?”

As if the level of difficulty wasn’t staggering enough, Prather is already working on vocalizing the guitar breakdown and a few of the more memorable drum fills, which he will literally play with his fingers on the steering wheel! Prather has also not ruled out the possibility of eating a breakfast sandwich throughout the performance, which could really make things interesting! So if you happen to be on I-39 this upcoming Tuesday morning, keep your eyes peeled for a silver Toyota Camry with a caterwauling 41-year-old man inside and know that grunge rock history is probably being made.   

Aging Punk Woman Solemnly Vows to Reject the Siren’s Call of Rockabilly

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Nearly 40-year-old punk woman Allie Gerard recently made a solemn vow to resist the urge to become rockabilly, sources close to the matter report.

“I see it happen every single day. Women my age slowly realizing that maybe gross ratty t-shirts and studded vests aren’t the most flattering or whatever, or that they think old people aren’t allowed to dress cool. Then suddenly I’m at a gig and every woman there over the age of 35 is in some bodycon dress with red lipstick on and I’m like, where the fuck am I? A Southern Culture on the Skids show?” Gerard said, wearing a very stained men’s 2XL Fishbone shirt. “For fuck’s sake, ladies, you don’t have to become a pin-up tattoo of Elvira the second you start to visibly age. But I’m telling you right now, if I ever start buying leopard print stuff, I want you to shoot me. I’ll try my best to avoid that outcome.”

One of Gerard’s friends, bassist Elena Wheeler, explains how she ended up in the punk-to-rockabilly pipeline.

“Look, I’m not proud of the fact that all I listen to now is surf rock covers,” Wheeler said, touching up her eyeliner in a hand mirror. “But you’d be surprised at how quick this shit catches up to you. One day you’re complaining about your knees in the pit and buying earplugs, and the next you’re looking for fit-and-flare dresses with fringe on the collar online. It was too late for me, being a female bass player and all, so I’m just getting the word out for the women who are 32 right now and thinking they want to ‘try out a more vintage look’ like that British TikTok lady with all the traditional tattoos. You’re not her and you can’t afford to be.”

Fashion historian Alexis Loft lent her expertise on the matter.

“The phenomenon of once-cool, hip young women being drawn towards an objectively kind of tacky look as they age has been around for millenia,” Loft said, gesturing to several illustrations hanging on the wall of her office. “Even the cave girls of long ago were seen ditching their badass spears and furs for weird zebra print togas as they aged out of the scene. We need more punk women like Allie to spread the word and stop this wiggle-dress takeover from happening once and for all.”

As of press time, Gerard was seen looking at vintage cars on Instagram.

Experts Say Newly Discovered French Cave Etching Is Likely the First Known Ragebait

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

BORDEAUX, France — Archaeologists at Les Cavernes de la Haute-Vézère discovered what experts believe may be the first known example of ragebait in human history, confirmed sources. 

“It is a truly startling discovery that makes me deeply irritated whenever I look at it,” said Dr. Lucien Moreau, professor of archaeology at Université de Bordeaux. “We suspect this was drawn by a Homo neanderthalensis sometime between 45,000 BCE and 40,000 BCE, to troll Homo sapiens when they were first arriving in Europe. From fossilized foot traffic in the area, it appears the etching had high engagement and drew unusually large crowds of early humans, most of whom were extremely outraged upon viewing, as witnessed by the handful of negative comments engraved into the cave wall as a response to the etching.” 

Local punk Mathieu “Scud” Leclerc said he saw a picture of the etching online and immediately thought it would make a “fucking sick” stick and poke. 

“When news first broke, everyone was trying to be coy about it,” Leclerc said. “I don’t really know much about early humans, but I do know there was a time when Neanderthals and Homo sapiens coexisted. And I bet those incel Homo sapiens showed up offending the shit out of everyone. If I were a Neanderthal, I’d want to let those fucking sapiens know what’s up too. That’s punk as shit. My buddy Pierre is on tour with his band Putain Magnet but he does stick and pokes. When he gets back, I’m going to hit him up.” 

B. Walker, admin of the popular Instagram account RealTruthReels, said he found the discovery personally meaningful. 

“I have tens of thousands of followers who don’t even realize how mad they get when scrolling through my content,” said Walker. “And it’s easy. Too easy. I was actually thinking about calling it quits. There’s already so much hate in the world, so much anger, so much rage, and I’m just adding to it. But then I saw this and thought, if cave people were doing this and others were traveling just to get mad, maybe it isn’t a modern sickness. Maybe it’s baked into us. So I feel good about it again. I have a renewed sense of purpose.” 

At press time, scientists reported discovering another nearby etching, believed to be an early Homo sapiens symbolic marking, which researchers say loosely translates to, “I’ll probably get cancelled for saying this, but…”

How To Determine Your Self-Worth by Checking How Many of Your Instagram Friends Are Tied to Semi-Well-Known Public Figures

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

You’ve been doing everything right. You’re hitting the gym. Eating better. Getting outside for walks with the dog. You’re cold-plunging, occasionally. You’re making connections on LinkedIn. Climbing the corporate ladder. You’re reading Brené Brown. Watching Mark Manson videos on YouTube. You even gave a Tara Brach audiobook a try once or twice before deciding it was “good but maybe not for me right now.”

You’re trying so hard. And yet, you still feel incomplete. Like something is missing. Like you are, deep down, a fucking piece of fucking garbage that no one loves or will ever love. 

The hard truth is, self-worth isn’t tied to how good you look, or how smart you are, or how much money you make. You know that. But let me tell you something. It is 100% unequivocally tied to the number of Instagram friends you have who are connected to semi-well-known public figures.

Finally, a way to empirically measure yourself. 

You’ve been wasting all this time trying to feel good. You signed up for Headspace. You listen to the Huberman Lab. And you still feel like shit. Well, why don’t you go, right now, to Instagram and start scouring your followers? Better yet, go look at the people you vaguely know from high school who got kind of big in Chicago improv. Or the ones who manage a handful of fashion models, or photographers, or whatever. Look at who follows them. Wow. Feel that? That’s you feeling better.

You’re on the periphery of the periphery of semi-fame. And that’s where self-worth is cultivated, my friend. That’s where you build the foundational blocks of high self-concept, self-esteem, and “you are enough” energy. Not in the gym. Not with a six-figure salary. On Instagram.

And if you keep scrolling, keep orbiting, keep brushing up against the warm glow of proximity to relevance, you might just convince yourself, briefly, beautifully, that you matter.

Five Finger Death Punch Slated To Play University of Phoenix Commencement Ceremony

Posted on by Steve Packosky

PHOENIX — American metal band Five Finger Death Punch is tapped to perform at this year’s commencement ceremony at the University of Phoenix, sources report.

“Five Finger Death Punch really embodies the spirit of this institution, so it’s an absolute pleasure to have them play at our graduation,” said University President Chris Lynne. “I personally am a huge fan of theirs, and I just know that the whole of our student body appreciates their work every bit as much as I do. It’s going to be incredibly exciting watching them play ‘Wash It All Away’ while our recent graduates line up to receive their diplomas. We will of course be filming the ceremony, too, which will provide excellent footage for our next commercial. I predict our enrollment will at least triple in size once that begins playing before their music videos, as well as Staind and Breaking Benjamin, on YouTube.”

Lead singer Ivan Moody reflected Lynne’s level of enthusiasm for the upcoming performance.

“I think every member of my band has at least a bachelor’s degree from the University of Phoenix, so this is an absolute honor,” Moody said as he adjusted his flat-brimmed Monster Energy Drink hat. “I myself have a B.S. in Business, which is awesome because I really didn’t do anything to earn it, and I can tell people I’m a college graduate when they say my band writes stupid music. We’re really going to show the world we’re the real deal when we open the commemoration with our awesome cover of ‘Bad Company.’ That’ll show everyone who called our catalog ‘dipshit music for lobotomy patients.’” 

Student Kyle Huebner reacted to the news.

“Oh fuck yeah, Five Finger Death Punch is playing graduation?” Huebner exclaimed. “I definitely need to go to the ceremony now. I had honestly forgotten I was still enrolled at the university until I got an email that I would be earning my diploma in a few months, which is surprising because I can’t tell you the last time I attended a class. Now I have a B.S. in Sociology, even though I’m not sure what that is. Whatever. I can’t wait to throw down and start a pit while they’re playing. There aren’t any rules against vaping while wearing your cap and gown, are there?”

At press time, Lynne announced he was planning on awarding the entire band honorary doctorates.

Millennial in Midlife Crisis Looks Into Getting Healthcare

Posted on by Brett McCabe

NEW YORK — Local 41-year-old Brooklyn resident Teri Kraft entered what her friends are calling a “midlife crisis” after requesting information on healthcare plans from her job, confirmed sources.

“Health insurance has always been a dream of mine since a few weeks ago, but, like, what am I? Richie Rich?” said Kraft, referencing a cartoon character whose relevance in this century is only by name. “When my mom was my age, she owned a home and had three kids with a full-time job that insured all of us. Meanwhile, I live in an apartment with three roommates, not including my husband. Anyway, I find myself up late at night on the Kaiser Permanente website reading about healthcare plans, and I even requested dozens of informational pamphlets from Blue Cross Blue Shield. Yeah, I think I have a problem.”

After applying for Medicaid, waiting a month, submitting additional income information, waiting a month, and then submitting more requested verification, Kraft is hopeful that she’ll be able to see a doctor sometime next year.

“Yes, she’s been working full-time for the past four years but, under the paperwork she signed, it’s considered contract work,” explained Kraft’s boss Richard Alberta. “Classifying workers as employees is not a smart business decision because then we would have to provide them healthcare packages and I am not about to look destitute driving to the country club in the same exact sports car as last weekend. We believe she is going through a phase. A midlife crisis, perhaps. Instead of bugging us about needing to see a doctor, we’d prefer that she dyed the grays out of her hair or had an affair with a younger man in Costa Rica. That will get it out of her system.”

Kraft’s friend Milton Addams has been guiding her through the steps he took before acquiring “Obamacare” created by the Affordable Care Act.

“The company I work for hasn’t paid me in four months,” said Addams, copywriter for Mesopotamian Records, who began looking for healthcare after a new nipple piercing got infected. “They stopped responding to inquiries about missing paychecks even though they’re still publishing my work. Fortunately, it qualifies me for Medicaid. It’s great to have one less thing to worry about as I move my belongings from my apartment into my Subaru Hatchback. Though I wish it was a sports car.”

At press time, Kraft’s midlife crisis took an unexpected turn when she all of the sudden got really into the idea of owning a home one day.