Face tattoos are the ultimate sign of someone who doesn’t give a shit, or doesn’t realize how stupid a face tattoo actually looks. But which character in the world of “Bob’s Burgers” is most likely to permanently mark up their face because they assume it looks cool? Today we find out.
50. Cynthia Bush
Why would Cynthia get a face tattoo? Can you even imagine what the neighbors would think? No, no, that face tattoo isn’t for her. She’s already confident that the star tattoo on her ankle tells the world that she used to be a pretty bad bitch, if she does say so herself.
49. Peter Pescadero
This kid doesn’t even know what a beverage is and you think he’s going to manage to pick out “Only god can judge” or some other Obama quote to tattoo across his forehead?
48. Colleen Cavielo
As someone who has never been to New Jersey, I can confidently confirm Colleen Cavielo is the most New Jersey. With her baked Ziti, that accent, and I’m assuming mob boss husband, she fits exactly with my preconceived notions based on the single episode of “The Sopranos” I watched 18 years ago. Anyway, she can’t get a face tattoo. She needs to keep her head down while the feds are sniffing around.
47. Mr. Frond
This Patty Daddy is wild as hell. But Patty Daddy wild is getting face paint of a cat tangled in a ball of yarn. Mr. Frond just isn’t cool enough to go for a terrible face tattoo.
46. Speedo Guy
That’s a no. Speedo Guy only wears roller skates and a speedo, that’s it. He just isn’t about covering anything up and when it comes to tattoos he always says “You don’t put bumper stickers on a Cadillac.”
45. Prince of Persuasia
Having a face tattoo limits this guy’s ability to con people in different markets. But I can confidently say he’ll fake a face tattoo for his series on how to get out of jury duty, “Count of Courts.”
No middle school in 2012 would have been complete without a sea of Tina-branded “I’m a smart, strong, sensual woman” t-shirts. But you know who should have been pictured on that shirt? Marshmallow. Does that mean she’s getting a face tattoo? No. If she wanted a terrible face tattoo, she’d probably have it already.
43. Chloe Barbash
Chloe is the worst. Here’s my impression of Chloe: “me me me. I’m so great. Eww, I’m not gonna get a face tattoo.” That’s what she sounds like. She’s only on this list because Rudy invited her.
42. Tina Belcher
As much as I want to say Tina would get a majestic, anatomically correct horse galloping across her face, I know deep in my heart that it probably won’t happen. Unless of course the writers finally green light my genius spec where Tina displays mood swings and a massive character change because of an undiagnosed tumor. Don’t worry—it’s more upbeat than it sounds, and includes a musical number sung by the tumor. Ball is in your court Fox.
Ron looks just like Donald Sutherland in Invasion of the Body Snatchers to me. Do you know what Sutherland’s occupation was in that movie? Health inspector. Coincidence? I don’t know, but I find it more likely that Ron would be replaced by an alien than have his face tattooed.
40. Courtney Wheeler
Courtney’s dad makes jingles, and we all know what that means: he’s in “The Industry.” With all the connections her dad has, this industry baby is destined to be a number one star in the musical jingle world. Her future certainly includes sex, drugs, and songs that’ll make Grocery Outlet Bargain Market look like some hack only put a brand name to music. However, industry babies rarely get face tattoos.
Do I want Mort to embrace the darker side of coroner life and get full Norwegian black metal makeup permanently tattooed on his face? Yes. But would he? Honestly, it doesn’t matter—he’d still be toward the bottom, because this is a list of terrible face tattoos, and I honestly think this would be pretty badass.
38. Jimmy Pesto Jr.
How is J-Ju going to differentiate himself in the competitive world of dance? If you thought face tattoo, you’d be wrong. It’s going to be the tiniest little hot pants. Why get a poorly drawn portrait of Patrick Swayze on your face when you have the raw sex appeal of those big, juicy mounds barely contained in some bright pink spandex?
37. Miss Labonz
I can’t believe it, but Miss Labonz might be a badass. She’s stealing coffee filters and probably other office supplies from the teacher’s lounge. She’s been caught smoking behind the school. Also, I’m convinced teaching was only supposed to be a day job until her band took off. But thirty years later her dreams have been dashed, and so is any hope of her having McGruff the Crime Dog flashing you from her face.
36. Ms. Jacobson
Do you know what teachers are paid? I don’t think Ms. Jacobson could even afford a tattoo. And my unemployed best friend has, like, eight. That’s how little teachers make. Plus, I don’t know if you’re aware, but Ms. Jacobson is ridiculously good looking. Like, wow.
I think we all know the only reason why the staph-infected mats at the Capoeira Center for Capoeira are still in use is because of the Fabio running it. Until Fabio shows up in some Tom of Finland meets discount tattoo parlor romance novel, Jairo probably has to maintain his current look.
34. Sergeant Bosco
The only way this guy is getting a face tattoo is if he’s going undercover. Which is pretty unlikely because, have you seen this guy? That’s like asking Larry King to pose as a high schooler. I don’t care how young your new wife is, you don’t look 17. Bosco is still going to look like a cop no matter how many veiny one-eyed snakes you put on his face.
33. Randy Watkins
While he’s definitely interested in making a statement that people won’t be able to look away from, his dad is totally going to cut him off if he finally gets that face tattoo of a butchered Ronald McDonald that’s says “would you like fries with that?”
32. Edith and Harold Cranwinkle
Edith and Harold are pretty close-minded. So it’s unlikely they would ever try butt stuff. And you know what? They’re missing out on a whole portal of pleasures that the good lord gifted us. And if they aren’t even up for a little taint tickling, they’re probably not going for face tattoos.
31. Linda Belcher
Would Linda straight up get a face tattoo? No, probably not. But would Linda audition for a local theater production as a streetwise gang banger and get one of those “made to fade” tattoos of a Bazooka Joe on her face because she asked for a tattoo that “y’know, a gun guy” might get, but the artist heard “gum guy,” and find out six months later that for some people those tattoos actually don’t fade as much as one might hope? It’s not out of the question.
30. Mr. Ambrose
Mr. Ambrose is the librarian we all wish we’d had: a gossipy bitch that doesn’t give a fuck. Mr. Ambrose also practices witchcraft, and if you ask me, that puts him awfully close to going in for some tasteful Wicka symbols around the eyes, but ending up with large Will Ferrell Bewitched-inspired tattoo because the artist found out Mr. Ambrose had been talking shit.