20. Regular-Sized Rudy
I don’t think Rudy wants a terrible face tattoo. But I think he knows he kind of needs one. Realistically, what does Rudy have going for him? He’s sickly. Sickly Rudy is pretty fucked, so the next thing about him? He’s “regular-sized.” Rudy needs some edge, and I think an inhaler wearing a thong tastefully placed on his face would do the trick.
19. The One-Eyed Snakes
There are two types of midlife crises. One involves motorcycles, and the other involves whatever the hell my uncle is doing with all those Sacagawea gold dollars. I think the new motorcycle gang initiation is going to have to involve face tattoos because stealing, doing hard drugs, or killing doesn’t mean anything anymore. A truly awful face tattoo is the only way we have to prove that during the week, you don’t work for Goldman Sachs. The One-Eyed Snakes have to be this far down because unfortunately, not everyone is going to make it.
18. Teddy
Teddy is a master contractor. Do you really think he’d get some sort of face tattoo celebrating that budget-brand garbage Craftsman? Absolutely not. But a hard-working Milwaukee logo over the right eye? Maybe.
17. Felix Fischoeder
Felix isn’t interested in commoner permanent face paint. That is, unless Calvin tells him he shouldn’t do it. In which case he would definitely get cat whiskers.
16. Kuchi Kopi
Kuchi Kopi is a demonic nightmare. Ever since the season 1 episode “Crawl Space,” I have known that the supposedly inanimate toy isn’t to be trusted. Louise is eventually going to wake up in the middle of the night with this monster in her hand, a pentagram seared into its face.
15. Trev
Trev is incapable of thinking for himself. In fact, remember that episode when we find out Trev is in a Britney Spears-esque guardianship controlled by Jimmy Pesto? Because that is 100% a real episode that I didn’t make up. Anyway, if Jimmy Pesto is getting a tattoo, Trev is too. So where is Jimmy Pesto in the rankings?
14. Jimmy Pesto
Fact: Jimmy Pesto is handsome like Tom Selleck. Second fact: the actor that voices him could be going to prison for participating in the January 6th Capitol attack. I can kind of see Jimmy Pesto doing the same thing. Third fact: the only way that pretty face is surviving prison is if we cover it up with Monster energy drink tattoos.
13. Zeke
Is Zeke the type of guy to have a massive “In Memoriam Gram Gram” decal on his Ford F-250? Yes. Would that truck also be rolling coal? You better believe it. But would Zeke get a hyper-realistic portrait of J-Ju lovingly scrawled across half of his face as a twenty years best buds anniversary surprise? It’s pretty likely.
12. Millie Frock
Millie gives off some serious cult vibes. The big, vacant smile? Cult vibes. That time she nearly murdered a group of kids because they didn’t pledge friendship to her? Cult vibes. A willingness to get a tattoo of sacred geometry covering most of her face to secure the grace of Gaia? Cult vibes.
11. Bob Belcher
Bob is a pill popper. And I may not remember much from DARE, but I do remember the main thing they discussed with us kids: if somebody tries to sell you drugs, create loud noises and make yourself look as large as possible to scare them off. Anyway, what I’m saying is that sometimes we get a Burger Boss tear tattoo because the talking hamburger told us to.
10. Critter
We already talked about the rest of the One-Eyed Snakes, so why are we singling out Critter? Because Critter is a great guy. The type of guy you could get a beer with, crack some jokes with, and if it came to it, fire bomb the rival restaurant across the street with. I’m not saying it would come to that, but after a bonding experience like that, you better believe you’re both getting a stick-and-poke across the bridge of your nose by a guy named Anvil. And Anvil can only draw one thing: very detailed Georgia O’Keefe flowers. Which are actually very nicely done, but it’s still kind of a lot.
9. Tammy Larsen
Tammy already has a Tinker Bell tattoo somewhere on her body. We all know it. As far as I’m concerned, that’s canon. It’s not on her face, but it’s still important because that Tinker Bell tattoo is going to be the gateway drug into the tattoo-adjacent world of permanent cosmetics. Am I saying permanent cosmetics are a terrible face tattoo? Absolutely not. But we all know Tammy’s would be.
8. Logan Barry Bush
Logan is only a bad breakup and a couple Four Locos away from going full budget-brand Travis Barker.
7. Jodi
This little germaphobe strikes me as the type of person who might think of an elaborate way to persuade people to give her a 10-foot bubble at all times. I think a portrait of Christ with the words “repent now, ask me how” would do it.
6. Susmita
Do you honestly believe this eighth grader with a science project about listening to the sun and talking to aliens would grow up to get a face tattoo? Sorry, I asked that wrong. I meant to ask, how many do you think she’d get?
5. Louise Belcher
I think it’s pretty obvious that Louise has some impulse control issues. So, is a “Boo Boo 5 Lyfe” tattoo going to be Louise’s first terrible face tattoo? No. It’ll probably just be the first one that she regrets.
4. Gene Belcher
One might say Gene has a bit of a flamboyant streak. But a larger contributor to his high ranking is that Gene likes to sample things on his keyboard, and I think we all know what that means. You heard it here first: Gene is teetering on the edge of a SoundCloud rapper phase. He’s going to get high as hell every day smoking those blueberries, and making sick beats. One day he’ll just be a sweet little Genie baby, the next he’ll have more doodles on his face than the margins of a 6th grade science textbook.
3. Andy and Ollie
Yes. Someone will accidentally get Sharpie on his face, and before the other can say it’s not permanent, they’ll both have matching tattoos of Papa Smurf smoking a blunt.
2. Calvin Fischoeder
With Mr. Fischoeder, getting a face tattoo is not the question. This eccentric carnival-owner totally would, and everything about it would remind me of Grandma’s house: old-timey and somewhat unsettling. The question is, does it count if you can just laser it off whenever you want? I’m the type of man who won’t put you at the top of my terrible face tattoo list unless you’re willing to live with your dead-eyed Raggedy Ann and Andy tattoo forever.
1. Boyz 4 Now
Yes. All of them. Even Boo Boo. Because these teen heartthrobs have to keep up an image. And if they want to be seen as bad boys in this day and age, they’re all gonna have to go in for face tattoos. But here’s why they’ll be the absolute worst: they’re corporate creations of the record label. Every single one of them will have rip-offs of some other famous musicians’ face tattoos. And we all know there is one executive in the back that’s worried they’re going to scare off conservative parents, so the tattoos are going to be like, “stay in school,” “respect your elders,” and “BUY. CONSUME. DO NOT QUESTION THE STATUS QUO.”