29. Dr. Yap
With that guitar in his office, Dr. Yap wants me to think he’s a badass who also just happens to do dentistry. I don’t know how far he’s willing to go to convince me. Floss or die on his forehead? Sporadic teeth across his left temple like whatever Kat Von D has going on? Or maybe he’d just go simple and have a tube of Colgate really giving it to some Crest.
28. Gayle Genarro
Gayle wouldn’t get a face tattoo… on her own. Look, Mr. Business is getting older, and when the time finally comes for him to show off his pretty paws in heaven, Gayle will be in a very delicate state. If—and I realize this is a big if—somebody were to suggest that a face tattoo of Garfield complaining about Mondays would be a beautiful send-up of that cat, there would not be any hesitation.
27. Mr. Branca
Mr. Branca was the president of his home country. President, dammit! Do you really think Biden has a face tattoo? Do you really think they’re telling us the truth about aliens? Who killed JFK? We need an 8-part podcast series researching the possibility that every president secretly gets a tattoo of a barcode on their forehead so the lizard people can better keep track of them in their backend.
26. Mickey
You might think Mickey would already have a face tattoo if he was going to get one. But even though he’s out of prison and living his life mostly on the straight and narrow, you have to remember: he’s a carnie now. And every carnie I’ve met has always at some point screamed at me: “I’m fuckin’ unknowable and you‘ll never know what I’m capable of next! Here’s your funnel cake.”
25. Gretchen
Remember that time Gretchen seductively licked a meat thermometer in an attempt to seduce Hugo? But what if she wanted to seduce a plumber? I don’t think an extremely phallic toilet plunger face tattoo would necessarily be out of the question.
24. Gus
Whether he’s on the docks or at the go-kart track, Gus always seems to be stuck on the sidelines. Maybe Gus is tired of that. Maybe Gus wants to land Upskirt Kurt’s plane with his penis for a change. And you know what would finally put the spotlight on him? A face tattoo so bad that even Waffle House will ask you to leave.
23. Nat
Nat’s a wild card, which puts her pretty close to the center. I can’t even think of a clear reason why it would come up, and if it did, I don’t think she’d remember clearly why either. It’s like flipping a coin: heads, she never does; tails, she gets a portrait of a ghostly Kermit the Frog with the words “Legends Never Die” underneath.
22. Darryl
You think our lovable nerd Darryl wouldn’t get a face tattoo? Well I’m going to tell you a little story about a young nerd who once found a dead mouse in his computer. When he grew up, he became a musician whose name referenced that dead mouse. He got lots of tattoos, including a small one on his face. And do you know who that young nerd was? That’s right, Sammy Hagar. So we can never be too certain about what young Darryl will do later in life.
21. Hugo Habercore
Hugo seems like a pretty uptight guy. But then he surprises everyone by quitting his job and fully embracing a nude beach-centric lifestyle. That’s why it’s not totally out of the question that Hugo might get a face tattoo send up of what I assume is his favorite movie: the 2006 critically acclaimed film Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector.