HARDTIMES

May 10, 2022

CHARLOTTE N.C. — 35-year-old punk stock trader “Big” Tim Treadwell jumped out of a speeding van’s window yesterday after receiving…

October 11, 2020

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Local realtor Aaron “Shredder” Dukowski can’t wait to show potential buyers exactly where a gruesome quadruple…

May 15, 2020

SANTA FE, N.M.— Bantam Books editor Krista Lowell is reportedly very excited to receive at least one new page of…

April 11, 2020

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local strip club The Devil’s Crutch displayed their commitment to public health yesterday by retrofitting their sprinkler…

March 4, 2020

SEATTLE — Capitol Hill crust punk Steve “Skaggs” Sprewell is far more concerned about the raccoon flu he contracted while…

February 9, 2020

LOS ANGELES — The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced that the recently dead Austin, Texas hardcore scene…

July 24, 2019

SAN FRANCISCO — Local metalhead Eddie “Pitch Black” Keil is worried today that his color blindness may have led him…

March 11, 2019

PHOENIX — City officials unveiled today a new series of homelessness deterrent spikes, created to discourage people from sleeping in…

February 17, 2019

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo has announced they will be releasing a classic edition of their stereoscopic 3D Virtual Boy system…

January 18, 2019

BALTIMORE — Mathematician Douglas Campbell proved yesterday that rapper DMX’s controversial “Dark Man X Theory” is true by demonstrating, by…