CHARLOTTE N.C. — 35-year-old punk stock trader “Big” Tim Treadwell jumped out of a speeding van’s window yesterday after receiving bad news about his portfolio…
SAN JOSE, Calif. — Local realtor Aaron “Shredder” Dukowski can’t wait to show potential buyers exactly where a gruesome quadruple murder happened inside the two-story…
SANTA FE, N.M.— Bantam Books editor Krista Lowell is reportedly very excited to receive at least one new page of George R.R. Martin’s highly anticipated…
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local strip club The Devil’s Crutch displayed their commitment to public health yesterday by retrofitting their sprinkler system with Purell following its…
SEATTLE — Capitol Hill crust punk Steve “Skaggs” Sprewell is far more concerned about the raccoon flu he contracted while dumpster diving last week than…
LOS ANGELES — The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced that the recently dead Austin, Texas hardcore scene will be included as part…
SAN FRANCISCO — Local metalhead Eddie “Pitch Black” Keil is worried today that his color blindness may have led him to purchase the wrong Baroness…
PHOENIX — City officials unveiled today a new series of homelessness deterrent spikes, created to discourage people from sleeping in doorways and bus stops around…
KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo has announced they will be releasing a classic edition of their stereoscopic 3D Virtual Boy system this spring, following the success…
BALTIMORE — Mathematician Douglas Campbell proved yesterday that rapper DMX’s controversial “Dark Man X Theory” is true by demonstrating, by way of variable ‘X,’ that…
He’s really here, isn’t he? Oh sweet mother of Christ, no! Only reason I came here was so I could complain about Morrissey not being…
TACOMA, Wash. — The residents of the “Scab Lab” crust punk house were evacuated last night in response to an anonymous bath bomb threat, according…
Ever since I heard people do these “Scream Like Goku” events on Facebook, I’ve been wanting to get my Super Saiyan and join the fun.…
Listen up, cinephiles: you need to stop buying Criterion Collection movies. It’s nothing but a bunch of overpriced, pussified indie-foreign garbage. I would know, homie:…
WASHINGTON — President Trump pardoned a 5-year old Bourbon Red turkey named Mikey this morning, sparking outrage amongst law enforcement officials who insist the turkey…