NEW HAVEN, Conn. — Local punk Pattie “Two Dollar” O’Malley set up a foundation dedicated to researching and curing “coke dick,” a condition that renders victims incapable of maintaining erections after binging cocaine and other amphetamines, confirmed sources.
“For too long the stigma of having coke dick has prevented scientists from getting the resources they need to combat this terrible affliction,” said a visibly haggard and bloodshot O’Malley. “We’re talking about a disease that affects thousands of dudes just trying to have a good time. Not me, but a lot of dudes I know, who are solid. To date the only treatment has been ‘Don’t party so much.’ Maybe that works for some nerd-ass doctor, but not for me and not for my crew. If you’ve been up blasting rails for the last three days and it’s taking everything you’ve got not to cry in front of your chick ‘cause you’re pushin’ rope, know that Hard-Cure is here to help.”
While Hard-Cure’s mission statement promises a future free from coke-related impotence, Chief Researcher “Doctor” Rusty Blaze says the road ahead, unlike the phallus of a cokehead, will be long and hard.
“There’s still so little we actually know about coke dick. What causes it? Why does the straight edge community seem immune? Who actually shot JFK and why, was it the mob? The CIA?” said Blaze. “So far all we really know is I can see God when I try to sleep and these Hims pills don’t do shit. Anyway, who wants to hit up a diner? I’m buyin’! You gotta spot me though, I’m not liquid at the moment.”
Some have criticized the foundation as a waste of resources.
“With everything going on in the world right now, it’s disgusting that this is what Pattie is putting his money into,” said scene veteran Beka Rush. “I can think of way better ways for him to use that money, like donating to the ACLU or giving me back that 60 buck he owes me! If not that, maybe his back due child support or better yet, more coke. That stuff’s expensive and it’s always a wise investment, at least for the next 12 hours.”
At press time, the organization already raised several times its startup capital with a confirmed multi-million dollar donation from Mickey Rourke and the relocation of all EPA funding by President Donald Trump.