SAN JOSE, Calif. — Local man Timothy Kroeger reportedly lost his shit again despite bragging about how little sleep he needs on a nightly basis, confirmed sources.
“Thomas Edison famously only needed four hours of sleep a night and that guy invented lights or something. But anyway, it would be nice if everyone stopped driving so goddamn slow and quit screwing my day up. Hell, bro, I haven’t had my alpha wave or my aminos today, do you know how dangerous and downright feral I feel right now?!” Kroeger gesticulated while rubbing his temples. “If I don’t hit all the life metrics I’m set up for on my board, I am a total failure. And if that means getting a small handful of hours of shut-eye to be considered one of the greats, then fucking so be it! Also, I threw away my pillow because I heard on a podcast that it hinders creativity.”
Kroeger’s friend Aaron Abrigo confirmed this is not the first, second, or even third time that he has nearly lost his mind over a lack of sleep.
“Yeah, Tim’s just a really intense guy who just so happens to need six Monster Energy drinks a day to function,” said Abrigo. “It kinda feels like he’s competing against no one, or like a phantom ‘better version’ of himself? Regardless, that man can’t get through a single day without going off on a 7-Eleven cashier for running out of Taquitos. I heard he was on adderall for awhile, I remember him being a lot less insufferable, but apparently it was ‘stifling his chi flow’ and he didn’t like ‘some bitch with a stethoscope’ telling him what he could or couldn’t put in his body. I almost miss this version of him.”
Sleep expert Dr. Dahlia Patel couldn’t stress enough the importance of slumber.
“People that obsess over optimizing their productivity always end up sacrificing sleep for more output. But that always backfires and leads to a thousand creative projects that go unfinished, not to mention chronic health problems,” said Dr. Patel. “The bottom line is this: everyone needs sleep. Some people need seven hours, others need nine, there’s really no marker for who needs how much after a certain threshold. But there’s only one kind who claims to need less than four hours, and those people really shouldn’t be allowed to socialize with the general public.”
At press time, Kroeger’s boss complimented his productivity despite him falling asleep at his desk several times a day.