Let’s all take a moment to play the world’s smallest violin for first-gen Tesla owners. On the one hand they were able to afford a Tesla between 2008 and 2018 so their life isn’t what you would call a struggle, but a lot of them sincerely thought they were doing a good thing. If you’re the type of asshole that can afford a luxury car you do get SOME points for buying one with a significantly reduced environmental impact, and that’s what they thought they were doing. Then, Elon Musk offset that collective eco-frendliness by launching one into space for no reason, and has gotten crazier by the day ever since.
It’s little wonder why so many Tesla owners wish to distance themselves from the Musk brand without sacrificing their beloved cars. That’s probably why anti-Musk bumper stickers have become so popular with among them. It’s a way to show the world that you had no idea what a dumpster-fire Musk was when you made your purchase so you can have your cake and eat it too. Unfortunately, we recently spotted a Tesla customer who seems to be exploiting the system.
Randall Hapkins is the 32-year -old owner of a Tesla Cybertruck featuring a bumper sticker that reads “Bought it before we knew how crazy he was.” Seriously dude? Who the fuck do you think you’re kidding?
The Cybertruck wasn’t even introduced to the world until 2019. You watched the same demo we all watched, saw Musk presenting that unyielding, PS1-graphics-come-to-life monstrosity saying “Look at how bulletproof this hunk of shit is!” and then effortlessly smashing it to hell with a baseball bat and shrugging. Are you trying to say your takeaway from that was “Wow, what a sane and cool man!”? We. Call. Bullshit.
Okay, let’s say you did. Maybe you happened to suffer a blow to the head and got dosed with salvia that day, whatever. The first Cybertrucks weren’t delivered until November of 2023 my guy. You had four years to cancel your order with a full refund on your deposit. You’re trying to tell us that in that entire time Musk didn’t do anything that raised an eyebrow for you? When he bought one of the world’s largest social media platforms to make it more anti-semite friendly you were like “That’s so sensible I might buy TWO Cybertrucks!”?
What exactly WAS the watershed moment for you? Like, were you on board all the way through him announcing his plan to illegally purchase votes for Trump, but then he jumped up and down revealing his midsection and that just broke the spell? You saw that pale, foie gras and fried songbird stuffed belly and finally realized “Woah, this guy might have a screw loose!”? Or is it just that you can only pretend you enjoy people pointing and laughing at your car everywhere you go for so long? Our money is on the latter pal.
It’s too late for you friend, no one’s welcoming you onto this bandwagon. You made your bed, now drive in it. At least until the next recall. It’s been a few months, we’re probably due for one.