WASHINGTON — Ronald Rowe Jr, acting director of the Secret Service, held a press conference today to announce that he is heavily considering requesting all members of the Secret Service return to the office in person for at least 2 days a week following another attempt on former president Trump’s life.
“As our world returns to normal, we’re requesting that all our agents begin to guard our nation’s top political leaders in person at least two days a week,” Rowe Jr. said. “There’s something special and spontaneous about our work when we’re actually together in person diving on top of a politician. You never know what conversations or ideas can happen down there in the huddle. We know this is a big change for our #SecretFamily so in the short term we’re going to get things going by simply requesting all the human shields on salary begin turning their cameras on during the Zoom calls.”
“We can do this guys,” he added.
Not every Secret Service agent was happy with the plan.
“No one knows this but during COVID I actually took on two extra work-from-home jobs,” one Secret Service agent, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said. “All the other guys use the little earpieces to communicate about which rooftops have been cleared or whatever. I’m usually on a weekly ‘all hands’ call for one of my other jobs doing social media marketing for an organic, sustainable shampoo company. I would keep my webcam off during my Secret Service shifts. It was never a problem until people started pointing guns at Trump.”
Critics of the plan say expanding the Secret Service’s in person work week is impractical and fiscally irresponsible.
“Have you seen the Secret Service bill when Biden goes for ice cream? We’d be better off paying Ben and Jerry themselves to come down and sing some Cold Stone style songs as they mash a Butterfinger into a sundae on the resolute desk. Which oddly enough is something The President has requested several times,” said Jane Loyd, head of accounting at the service. “It’s easy for costs to pile up. Every time the person we’re protecting uses a private jet, we need to rent a jet of the same exact caliber for us to follow behind it – and for national security purposes it’s important the leather is of the same grade and quality. The whole interior, bathroom, everything needs to be on point or these boys just can’t function the way they’re expected to.”
As of press time, rumors were swirling that the secret service would also soon politely ask employees to stop outsourcing their jobs overseas to cheap, suspiciously Russian-sounding freelancers.