PHILADELPHIA — Former President Trump deviated from his prepared talking points to pay tribute to Darth Vader and the countless jobs he created running his empire, confused viewers confirmed.
“Did you hear this? Did you hear the great Darth Vader died? He was a great man and a great father. He would do that thing with his hand and choke people, wouldn’t even have to touch them, wouldn’t it be cool to be able to do that? If Mike Pence was here I’d try that on him and see what happens,” said Trump after being asked about tariffs. “I’d love to have a guy like that running the military. Did you know we actually have lightsaber technology but we just aren’t using it? I know because I invented it. Scientists were shocked, they said they’ve never seen someone harness a laser like I did. That’s why when I’m elected again there will be way more lasers and countries will be like ‘Woah, we don’t want to mess with the USA, they have Trump lasers.’”
Vice President Harris was visibly confused by Trump’s praise of the Sith Warrior.
“I’m not really sure what to say here. We did lose James Earl Jones earlier this week, he was a great man and a humanitarian that did so much for his community, but I’m not sure that’s who Mr. Trump is talking about here,” said Harris. “I want to make this clear to my opponent and to everyone watching; Darth Vader is a fictional character. He’s never been real, if you have a family member who believes Vader is a real person then please get them help. They clearly have a tenuous grasp on reality.”
Debate moderator Linsey Davis admitted that she wasn’t sure how to react to Trump’s praise of Vader.
“I came in here ready to take on the candidates and challenge them whenever they bent the truth to benefit their message, but then Mr. Trump threw me a curveball by talking about how cool Darth Vader’s mask was,” said Linsey during a commercial break. “There was a solid three minutes where he was asking how Vader’s mask worked. He wouldn’t answer any questions about policy, the border, or Russian election interference until someone explained the mechanics. Thankfully there was some nerd there who was more than happy to fill us all in, but I feel like we somehow know less about each candidate now.”
At press time, Trump promised to give Elon Musk a cabinet position to oversee the construction of a Death Star produced here in the USA.