TACOMA, Wash. — Show regular Harmony Smith put the seat down in the bathroom of venue Plaid Pig before squatting and hovering above the toilet and inevitably pissing all over it, sources who appreciate the consideration confirmed.
“It makes me so angry when someone forgets the toilet seat up and I have to touch it and physically put it down myself before I can pee,” an able-bodied Smith stated from the venue’s only handicap stall. “Yeah, ok, I’m definitely not sitting on it cause it’s for sure already covered in someone else’s urine, but I’m a fucking lady. We put the seat down before we spray hot piss all over it. I have decent aim, so when I hover to pee there’s probably only a little splash here and there and it’s not like I’m gross or anything. Like, it takes two seconds, pay it forward.”
Plaid Pig regular and cocaine enthusiast, Lex Monsanto, applauds Smith’s considerate actions, which allow him the use of the stall’s private sink counter and extra legroom without judgment.
“For a while this bathroom was just too clean and made what I was doing feel unnatural,” a highly stimulated Monsanto commented between sniffles. “Folks like Harmony really help set a more welcoming vibe by urinating in, on and around the toilet. Nowadays, there’s the ripe scent of piss in the air and all my toots feel like a fish in the ocean. Plus, most people take one look at the toilet and turn around when they see it, so I could essentially stay in here undisturbed all night.”
As luck would have it, the toilet seat was available for comment before putting in another late-night shift.
“I’m going to be real with you, every night is a war in this stall, and I’ve seen some strong seats crack under the pressure,” the toilet seat commented with a far-off glare in their eyes. “In the end, you just have to wipe up, think to yourself, ‘sure, that’s good enough’ and prepare for what tomorrow may bring, but we all know it’s just a steady stream of hovering asses and piss. Sometimes if we’re lucky some well-meaning soul will put one of those microscopic paper covers down before hovering to piss all over us, but we can’t count on that.”
“Listen, if you touch me, you’re gonna want to wash your hands long enough to at least count to 100,” the toilet seat added.