Lamb of God is a groove metal band from Richmond, Virginia. The classic line-up—vocalist Randy Blythe, guitarists Mark Morton and Willie Adler, bassist John Campbell,…
Every Trivium Album Ranked Worst to Best
If there’s one state you can count on to give you prime quality every time, it’s Florida. From their world renowned tourist attractions to their…
Arguing Over Which Metal Bands Belong to Which Subgenre Now Recognized as Own Metal Subgenre
WEBSTER, N.Y. — Leading music experts unanimously agreed that arguments between fans over which metal bands are considered to be part of which subgenres is…

Ten Underrated Albums From Roadrunner Records to Listen to While You Pretend to Train for a Marathon
Nickelback (yes, that Nickelback), Slipknot, Turnstile, Theory of a Deadman, and various other rock and roll for your body, heart, soul and MySpace acts that…
New Study Shows Playing Tool for Your Newborn Causes Them to Grow Up Thinking They’re Smarter Than Everyone
DURHAM, NC — Researchers at Duke University recently discovered that playing Tool for your newborn will cause them to grow up thinking they’re smarter, deeper,…

Jay Weinberg Booted From Slipknot After Lying About Ability to Hook Up Band with Springsteen Tickets
SIOUX CITY, Iowa — Slipknot announced they parted ways with drummer Jay Weinberg after it was revealed that he exaggerated his ability to use his…
Unpaid Child Support Increases by 50% After Godsmack Announces Tour
LAWRENCE, Mass. — A new government report shows that unpaid child support rose nearly by half following the legendary butt rock band Godsmack’s recent tour…
Metallica Sues Bootlegger for Printing Coolest Looking Metallica T-Shirt Made in Past 35 Years
ST. LOUIS — Members of Metallica, the biggest and undoubtedly most financially successful metal band of all time, are suing a 27-year-old fan for producing merchandise…
Metal Singer Practices Screaming Simply By Trying To Have Normal Conversation In A Bar
SALT LAKE CITY — Local Metal Singer Caleb Blackburn recently found that the secret to honing his screaming skills is to attempt to have any…
Primus and Puscifer to Co-Headline Unbearable Tinder Date Convention
COLUMBUS, Ohio —Notoriously weird bands Primus and Puscifer announced a joint headlining show at an upcoming Unbearable Tinder Date Convention which expects to draw thousands…
Type O Negative Albums Ranked Worst to Best
Subcultures tend to take themselves way too goddamn seriously. That’s why Type O Negative’s sarcastic take on gothic metal was and is so vital. The…
Woman at Dream Theater Show Just Happy to Not Have to Wait in Line for the Bathroom for Once
MOLINE, Ill. — Local Dream Theater fan Beth Hillebrand enjoyed unfettered access to the venue’s female washroom thanks to being the only woman in attendance,…
Doom Metal Band Announces First Song Will Also Be Last Song
ALLENTOWN, Pa. — Local doom metal band Don’t Wake The Dwarf decided to make an announcement at their show this weekend that their opening song…
CHICAGO — Area metal band Blood Fuel was left reconsidering their group’s future after hearing a man adjust his chair in a coffee shop at…
Every Hatebreed Album Ranked Worst to Best
Hatebreed formed in 1994 and initially spread their brand of baggy-pantsed metalcore from Connecticut all the way to the western end of Connecticut. Shortly after…