Heavy Metal and music videos have a long history of going together. With the attention-grabbing visuals of their album covers and energetic stage performances, it…
Five Finger Death Punch Fan Spends Entire Paycheck on Airbrush Stenciled Pocketknives Again
CHIPLEY, Fla. — Diehard Five Finger Death Punch fan Aaron Stummerer recently squandered all of his weekly earnings on shoddily-made knives with tacky, patriotic designs…
10 Best Fictional Metal Bands For People Too Afraid to Experience Music in Real Life
Fictional bands in movies and tv shows are subject to heavy scrutiny. It’s a mixed bag, quality-wise. Some are notable stinkers, while most fall somewhere…
Every Deftones Album Ranked
We really wanted to challenge ourselves, so we’re going to rank every Deftones album from worst to best. Though this is no easy feat considering…
Every Slayer Album Ranked
FUCKIN’ SLAAAAYYYYYEEERRR have been a staple in the metal community since their debut album in 1983. And since then, they have existed as a band…
10 Satanic Classic Metal Songs of the 1980s That Will Make You Pledge Allegiance to the Dark Lord
Heavy metal is the devil’s music. It’s written in the Bible. When you die (and if you try hard enough, when you’re alive) and you…
Kirk Hammett Fears it May be Too Late to Rejoin Exodus
LOS ANGELES — Thrash metal legend and rhythm guitarist for Metallica Kirk Hammett admitted he has serious doubts that he’ll ever be able to rejoin…
Aging Metalhead Feeling Pathetic After Hearing Darkthrone’s “Summer of the Diabolical Holocaust” in the Grocery Store
ARLINGTON, Va. — Ryan Trent, a lifelong metalhead in his late 40s, is having a crisis of identity after hearing Darkthrone’s black metal scorcher “Summer…
FUCK: Selmer Just Released a Flying V Oboe
ELKHART, Ind. — Legendary orchestral instrument manufacturer Selmer announced plans to edge into the metal musician market with the debut of a Flying V-shaped oboe,…
Concerning: Dentist Just Put On Speed Metal Before Root Canal
AUSTIN, Texas — Local dental patient Peter Thomas was in a state of panic recently when his dentist began absolutely blasting speed metal before beginning…
Death Metal Vocalist Accidentally Slips Into Customer Service Voice Onstage
POMONA, Calif. – Liz Gore, lead vocalist of local death metal band Afterbirth, reportedly slipped into a strained and high-pitched customer service voice onstage last…
10 Essential Albums of the New Wave of British Heavy Metal Movement to Listen to Next Time You Shop for Leather Pants
Arguably one of the most important explosions in bands in heavy metal history, the New Wave of British Heavy Metal movement, or NWOBHM (or to…
Every System Of A Down Album Ranked
System Of A Down is one of those bands that has a near-universal appeal and everyone, whether they want to admit it or not, has…
Son, There Comes a Time in Every Metalhead’s Life When They Must Start Sewing Patches on Their Vest Themselves
Listen, Barth…err I mean “Agramon,” your mother and I love you very much. We are both so proud of the kvlt metal staple you’ve become…
Drone Metal Zumba Class Burns Four Calories
EAST LANSING, Mich. – Attendees of Fit4Life Athletic Club’s Thursday night Zumba class featuring a drone metal playlist burned a total of approximately four calories,…