DENVER — Self-described “stoner-tech” metal band Great Barrier Reef revealed today their plans to write a song in a 4/20 time signature, which would be…
WINNIPEG, MB – A Canadian passenger train jumped free of its tracks yesterday evening in a horrific disaster that played stunning homage to a classic…
Convicted Murderer Clearly Hoping Testimony Gets Used on Grindcore Album One Day
WACO, Texas — Convicted murderer James Wellington’s bone-chilling confession surrounding the dismemberment of four hitchhikers in 2013 was clearly designed to attract the attention of grindcore bands…
Metallica Adopts Hologram Technology to Replace Perfectly Healthy Lars Ulrich
LOS ANGELES — Lars Ulrich, the founding drummer of Metallica, will be replaced by a hologram on all future live dates despite a clean bill…
Ozzy Osbourne Googles “Black Sabbath Lyrics”
LOS ANGELES – Ozzy Osbourne, Black Sabbath’s long-time lead singer and founding member, used a search engine to try to remember his own lyrics before…
Black Metal Band Sacrifices Animals, Sex Lives
MINOT, N.D. – Winters In Sodom may be new to the Minot metal scene — forming just six months ago — but the band has…
Def Leppard Drummer Would Love to Talk About Something Else
MALIBU, Calif. – A chance meeting outside of a local Jamba Juice with Rick Allen, drummer of heavy metal legends Def Leppard, proved uncomfortable yesterday…
Guitarist, Guitar Solo Going Nowhere
SEATTLE – Fans of local metal band Christ Decay were unmoved Friday night by new guitarist John Hang’s uninspired, meandering solo during crowd favorite “Pissing…
Black Metal Band Lost In Woods After Photoshoot
KERHONKSON, NY — Sources report a local black metal band has been missing for over 16 hours following a “totally brutal” photo session that took…
Man’s Chain Wallet Sole Remaining Link to Nu-Metal Phase
OKLAHOMA CITY, Okla. — Marcus Brooks is a well-groomed, successful software engineer in his mid-thirties. What separates Brooks from his peers is his “bitchin’ chain…
COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. – Stoner metal fan Paul Garry is finding that after years of listening to stoner metal almost every day, sometimes multiple times…
PHILADELPHIA, PA – Fantasy metal band and LARPers, Cloak and Scabbard, are preparing for a week-long tour of the enchanted lands of the upper Midwest.…
NEW HAVEN, Conn. – After purchasing Yngwie Malmsteen’s Trilogy, an album with a cover depicting the musician slaying a three-headed dragon with his six-string battle…
Satanic Ritual Actually Works, Jesus Fucking Shit RUN!!!
HOLYOKE, Mass. – A local metal show took a bizarre and deadly turn last Wednesday night when a mock-ritual performed on stage brought forth a…
Black Metal Vegan Burns Down Church’s Chicken
WETUMPKA, Ala. — Artemis Nyxx (legal name Blake Lambert), a vegan activist and vocalist of local “blackened crust” band Infinite Dvsk, took responsibility for a recent…














