Hardcore Tag Archives - Page 616

Nazi Pleads to be Judged by Color of Skin and Not Content of Character

Johnny Mo • August 29, 2017

HAYDEN, Idaho — Local white supremacist Jeffrey Braun is struggling with being judged for his beliefs and actions over the…

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Study Confirms Everyone Remembers That Time You Called Your Teacher ‘Mom’

Jeremy Hammond • August 28, 2017

WASHINGTON — A full 100 percent of people in your life and around the country remember that time you accidentally…

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Supreme Court Overturns Law Requiring Run the Jewels to Appear on Every Festival Lineup

Jeremy Hammond • August 28, 2017

WASHINGTON — The U.S. Supreme Court yesterday overturned a 2015 law requiring Run the Jewels to perform at every single…

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Middle-Aged Marketers Decide to Get the Brand Back Together

Brett McCabe • August 27, 2017

NEW YORK — A group of middle-aged, financially stable marketers put their differences aside late last night and reunited their…

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Homebrew Connoisseur Can Rank Them All from Worst to Somehow Even Worse

Eric Navarro • August 27, 2017

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Homebrew beer connoisseur Ira Rose succeeded again last week in ranking all local homebrews he tasted from…

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Pitchfork Music Critic Calls His Tinnitus Moody and Experimental but Tedious

Dan Kozuh • August 26, 2017

CHICAGO — Pitchfork critic Thomas Coates penned a thorough-yet-harsh critique of his ever-encroaching tinnitus last week, ultimately giving his affliction…

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Dying Punk Begs Friend to Delete Spotify Play History

Dan Kozuh • August 26, 2017

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Darren Freed met privately with his “best friend since junior high” early this morning to ask him…

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Nationwide Dumpster Fire Causing Widespread Crust Punk Starvation

Kris • August 25, 2017

WASHINGTON — Scientists have confirmed that the current nationwide dumpster fire is adversely affecting the national crust punk population, according…

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Animatronic Band Dropped from Chuck E. Cheese Residency After Retweeting Racist Memes

Ashley Naftule • August 25, 2017

IRVING, Texas — The Pizza Time Players, the animatronic band featured for decades at the Chuck E. Cheese arcade and…

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‘Punk Is Dead’ Stance Enters Fourth Decade

Mark Roebuck • August 24, 2017

CHICAGO — Local curmudgeon Benjamin Dahl reaffirmed his decades-old “punk is dead” stance shortly after procuring tickets to the It’s…

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