CHICAGO — Local curmudgeon Benjamin Dahl reaffirmed his decades-old “punk is dead” stance shortly after procuring tickets to the It’s Not Dead Fest, according to multiple disinterested sources.
“I’m not going for the music — I’m going to tell everyone the truth,” said Dahl from his basement apartment. “I hate to be that guy that has to break it to everyone, but it’s about time we quit digging up punk’s corpse and making it dance.”
The sights and sounds of Dahl railing against the verisimilitude of the modern punk scene were familiar to those close to him.
“This is literally the only thing he talks about,” said former bandmate Roger McCabe. “In high school, he told me punk died in 1975 when The Ramones signed to Sire… which means punk would have only existed for 18 months. Last time we hung out, I said The Exploited were a street-punk band, and he spent 30 minutes lecturing me on how ‘Oi! music isn’t technically punk.’ Maybe my ear just isn’t as finely tuned as his. Whatever.”
Several others familiar with Dahl confirmed his staunch devotion to the notion of the death of the punk rock movement has outlasted most of his other relationships and commitments.
“It’s weird. I think his entire family is a little messed up. His dad hated disco and always talked about its death,” said former girlfriend Staci Kinski. “I dated him for a few months, but had to stop because of this unhealthy obsession of his. All he would talk about is how much ‘punk had changed’ and ‘sold its soul.’ Like, yeah, I guess it’s kinda lame that gutter punk bands have iPhones, but quit DMing me on Twitter about it.”
Despite the backlash, Dahl remained steadfast in his devotion to spreading the bad news about punk rock.
“I went to It’s Not Dead last year fully expecting to be one of the only people there,” said Dahl. “But I guess there are plenty of people that think punk is alive and well. It’s good that people like me are out here, doing my part to let them know the scene is completely dead.”