WASHINGTON — A full 100 percent of people in your life and around the country remember that time you accidentally called your teacher “Mom,” a study by the United States Census Bureau confirmed.
“It was one time, and I was six years old,” you reportedly said, alone in your kitchen while reviewing the study. “I can still remember the sound of everyone laughing at me. I just can’t believe it’s still so fresh in other people’s brains. There’s so much happening in the world… I guess I don’t understand why this study was a priority.”
The rigorous review dispelled the myth perpetuated by your mother and mental health professionals that, in the many years since you called your first grade teacher “Mom,” everybody has forgotten and moved on with their lives. The study’s thesis statement made clear that this research was aimed exclusively at you by naming you and your first grade teacher, Mrs. Kerbel.
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“We are on a clear mission here,” said Census Bureau spokesman Thomas Jarvis. “We want to prove, once and for all, that you’re a huge fucking baby, and everyone who was there when you called your teacher ‘Mom’ remembers that you did it, and also thinks you are a fucking baby. The fact that you think people moved on additionally means you are delusional and living in a fantasy land, making you big, whiny baby. Now go change your diaper. It smells.”
Asked whether this research could be perceived as bullying, Jarvis said he hoped it would be.
“If people see this study as bullying, they are absolutely fucking right,” Jarvis said. “But bullying is what it’s going to take to make sure people know that everyone — and I can’t stress this enough, literally every person from Maine to California and beyond — remembers the embarrassing shit you did when you were a kid, and it’s the first, and only, thing they think of when they see you.”
The Bureau announced follow-up surveys exploring whether everyone remembers that time your voice cracked in English class in your freshman year of high school, and whether everyone at work can tell that you masturbated this morning.
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Article by Jeremy Hammond @jeremythunder.